really hating myself, can anyone relate?
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| Mon, 09-04-2006 - 8:58pm |
hi there-
I don't know if this is the right board for something like this, but here goes: A little over one year ago I broke up with my verbally abusive boyfriend of 4 years. It was the hardest process, but we have been apart for about a year. I still miss him though, his companionship and personality (when he was good!). However, what I am struggling with now is ME. After breaking up with him, I definitely rebounded so to speak. I have essentially doubled my numbers in terms of the amount of people I have had sex with and I am not happy about it. But its a problem and I feel like it isn't stopping. I dated a crazy weirdo for about 3 months but I wised up and ended that-but that was the most "stable" relationship I've had since then. I have done a lot for myself, including moving to a new city with the hopes of a fresh start, new career etc. Unfortunately I am still searching for the right fit and am waiting tables in the mean time. I think of myself as independent because I have done a lot solo. My problem is that I find that I am drinking more, because I am bored and after work its fun to go out and unwind. Its not that I am getting black out drunk or anything, but probably inhibitions are gone in some situations.....this happened in my old town as well. Anyway, right now I am "kind of" seeing someone whom I am VERY attracted to, we have a lot in common, but its pretty casual at the moment. I worry that now that we have had sex (very early on) he probably disrespects me in some ways. I also fear because I have had sex with people this year and with certain people I didn't use a condom, including this most recent person. I know it is awful and irresponsible (I am 29, I don't need a lecture on safe sex), but it has happened in the heat of the moment. Granted I haven't really hooked up with anyone I didn't know-so its not as if these people are strangers, but it certainly doesn't make it any better.
Anyway, I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this after getting out of an abusive relationship? I want to settle down and date someone fairly seriously again-really like this one guy but I feel like he is a bit of a "player" if you will-which worries me. I am just having a moment and am paranoid, super scared of getting tested but know that I need to, and want support and not to be judged. On another note I think someone I work with and care for and have spent a lot of intense time is starting to really fall for me though I don't think I feel the same way. I am already judging myself, I just need advice and support and didn't' know where else to turn, since so many of my friends are happily married or in serious relationships and can't fully understand.
Thanks.......

I think what you're going through is probably very normal.
Confusedaboutmuch,
I think what you are going through is normal. When I left an verbally abusive relationship, it took four years to get his voice out of his head and all the nasty things he said to me. I look back at the things I did and cringe but I was at a bad place in my life. You may remember his good side but the bad outweighs the good. Someone has battered your self esteem and it takes time to build that back up again. Instead of giving yourself a hard time, pat yourself on the back for having the courage to leave him and being brave enough to start again in a new city. You will get yourself back on your feet soon enough.
Feisty