Ditch and Wine Friends
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| Thu, 09-07-2006 - 7:33pm |
When I think back on my college years, the first year living in the city, and surviving being single in a couple's world I always think about my friend "Jane". We have been through a lot together over the years. We've been friends since college and I have always valued our special frienship. I would listen to her when he was upset. Many times I just *knew* she needed a shoulder when she didn't even have to ask. Most of the time I just called at the right times when I got that little feeling. So one day she starts dating this guy. I could tell there was something different about him from the beginning. He seemed to really like her for just being herself. Not just wanting to get some easy action, which she was well known for... In the beginning of dating him, she tried talking herself out of liking him and I reminded her to give him a chance. Six months later, she was in love and I was so happy for her, although a little freaked. Our friendship changed that winter and it was hard because we were the "single girls" forever to remain single and have fun. Think Sex in the City. The next year she gets married and I find it funny that I really didn't know too many detials of her wedding. Nothing really. For many, that is the time when you actually want to talk to your girlfriends about wedding stuff..... I gave up, realizing that we may never be the same friends again, but push come to shove if we needed each other we'd be there for each other. That is the type of friend I am. Then I quit my job and I call her crying. Quite obviously I am upset, because it is not often that I let others see me do it. She calls me not the next day or the second but five days later with a lame excuse. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Since she works in HR, she promised me she would find me a head hunter in the field I am getting my masters degree in. That was two months ago and I still have not heard from her. I gave up. Mad beyond all belief that I keep letting myself get disappointed by her. Knowing that we made a pack together in our single years never to become "that girl" who ditches her friends. Now, she is worse then most girls I have known. Then she forgets my birthday. Two weeks later, I get a card from her saying she's sorry.
In my opinion, that is a weak attempt to try to fix things. She could have called or at least emailed to make it more personal.
Now, I am the type of person who usually lets a lot of things go. And it usually takes a long time before I get mad. But once I get mad, there is really no going back. I am beyond feeling that way right now. I have good friends who regardless of being married, still retains that friendship. It can be done. Really.
So my question to all of you is am I wrong for wanting nothing to do with this girl anymore? She has already admitting to being a bad friend since she got together with Dan. But my thing is, if you can recognise it and you really want to change your behavior, you will.
I don't plan to break off our "frienship". But I really do not care to continue allowing her to get to me by completely blowing me off twice in within one month when I really could have used a shoulder to lean on. I mean fair is fair. I was there for her when she needed me and I even pushed her to continue to date her husband when she did not want to.
Am I being closed-minded here?? And please do not think I am mad because she is married and things change. I recognized that two years ago when she became ingaged. I know when friends get married, things do change. But you're not supposed to imediately become a bad friend.

I can completely understand your feelings in this situation. It's a good idea that you don't want to end your friendship, but I would agree that it is best to not actually put so much of your emotional trust in her anymore. It sounds like you do have other friends (married and not married) that you can still rely on, start putting more of your efforts into those people. If she notices that your friendship is dwindling and wants to do something to change that, then she will, but in the meantime remember that you can't force her to make your relationship a higher priority if she doesn't want to.
Sometimes long-time friends do just drift apart. I have a friend that I've known since we were infants (literally). Growing up our houses were right around the corner from eachother in the same neighborhood. We are both now 28 and we've seen eachother 2, maybe 3 times since we graduated from high school.
Best of luck, hope everything works out well for you.