Would you date a person with an illness?

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Registered: 09-27-2004
Would you date a person with an illness?
7
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 3:57pm
I had a different dating experience last night. I was set up with a man who is in a wheelchair by a dating service and I thought that maybe he was in a wheelchair due to an injury from being retired from the military. He seemed very nice on the phone and he was cute but I had no idea why he was in a wheelchair and wasn't about to ask until I met him in person. Well, turns out he has MS and I was thrown for a loop on that. I honestly don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to date someone with a degenerative illness like that. His wife left him after he was diagnosed 10 yrs ago and he seemed very meloncholy and depressed and rightfully so. I didn't know what to say to him on the date because what do you say in a situation like that except that it's horrible that this happened to him. I felt so sad for him and at the end of the date. I was trying to keep things light hearted and cheery but it was so hard for me. I know he probably doesn't need or want people to feel sorry for him though and he's trying to live his life the best that he can which I commend him for fully. I gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek but will be honest that this is just too much for me. I'm still kind of feeling sad today because of this. Would any of you guys date someone who had a serious illness such as this one? I know I would never leave my husband if he was diagnosed with MS, that's just a horrible thing to do but I know I can't start any situation with someone I'm not emotionally attached to already.


Edited 9/14/2006 4:04 pm ET by biochic2004
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Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 6:11pm

This is a really difficult one.

My mom has MS, and it can be a real challenge for my dad some days. She's not in a wheelchair yet, but likely will be in the next few years. She can't walk more than a block right now. If she gets a fever, she can't walk at all. She falls down, has memory lapses, etc. It's very scary, heavy stuff and take a great deal of patience, love and compassion from my dad and the rest of my family. My mom is also very strong, and strives to be as independent as possible. She's my hero.

I think if you have been with someone for years, it is natural to do everything you can to stay by their side and take care of them if something like this happens. But starting a new relationship with someone with a serious illness would be a challenge. It doesn't mean you're not compassionate - but you do see how it would be a roadblock to developing a relationship.

That's not to say that people with illnesses can't find love and be happy. It's just a question of being emotionally strong enough, as you said. I'd say listen to your heart and gut on this one. If the guy seems like someone you would fall for if he didn't have MS, maybe give it another shot. If he doesn't have the basic qualities you are looking for outside of his illness, then don't feel guilty about not pursuing it.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 6:56pm
Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure if I see myself with him minus the illness. I don't feel like I know him enough for that and he was kind of quiet for the most part on the date, nice and mellow and considerate but very quiet. I'm thinking the best thing for me to do right now is to not pursue it. I'm not sure if he's interested in me either. I just know that it would be so difficult for me to develop a relationship with him and there will be a lot of challenges and hurdles to overcome. It amazes me how independent he is with his illness and it's refreshing to see someone try to be the best person he can be as a result of this. At this point in my life although it seems to be difficult to find, I'm looking for something that flows for the most part and is simple. I've had my own emotional hurdles to overcome and I want to strive for a more simple life therefore looking for a partner who I can be with with ease. I prayed for him last night that he be taken care of and for him to find someone that will be good to him. I just don't see myself as that person. It's hard for me not to feel the guilt for not wanting to pursue something but I have to remember I need to take care of me first and foremost and if I want a simple life then i have to try to obtain that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 6:56pm
Frankly no I would not get involved. I would not want to start a relationship in which I was my spouse's caregiver. However, if I was married and then my husband fell ill I would not leave him- I'm not that heartless.
Now there are some people who are into being the caregiver - just like there are women who marry convicted serial killers in prison - there are probably also men and women who like the idea of marrying someone who "needs" them for basic care. If this guy keeps looking he might find someone - or at least a woman who also has health issues that make it difficult for her to find a mate. I think it was very wrong of the dating service to set you up with someone who has a degenerative illness! Iri
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Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 7:07pm
Well, they claim that they didn't know that he had MS. They thought he just had an injury because they claim that he never revealed that to them. I'm not sure if I believe that since they've messed up several times before by giving me matches that don't fit with me really. I paid a lot of money for this service so their messing up angers me. I dont' think I'm going to pursue this because although I consider myself the caregiving type, I'm trying my best not to be the caregiver to the point where it takes away from my happiness. I can help people and I like doing that but only to a certain degree and only for certain people. I am starting to look after myself now more since I haven't looked after number one since I was young and I realized it was due to my codependency. If I was married to him or in an LTR then it would be different and I would no doubt stick by his side, but I'm not, so I have a choice now. I'll be honest with him but I'll be honest in a caring way and I do hope the best for him.
Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 10:30pm

My no-thought answer is no.

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Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 12:18pm

>>At this point in my life although it seems to be difficult to find, I'm looking for something that flows for the most part and is simple. I've had my own emotional hurdles to overcome and I want to strive for a more simple life therefore looking for a partner who I can be with with ease. <<

So am I. I sometimes feel like maybe I should let go of some of my requirements (i.e. he shouldn't have kids), but I still really want and hope for something that "just flows" like you said.

Don't feel guilty. There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want. I think if he were the right guy for you, your instinct would have told you that and you ould want to pursue it in spite of the MS. Instead, your instinct is telling you he's not the right guy. I think it's best to follow that in any situation.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 1:30pm
I completely agree with you. I thought about dating guys that have kids too but in all honesty I think it would be very difficult to take on the responsibility of other guys' kids and if things don't work and you get attached to their children it would be hard. I would make an exception for the right man who also wanted more children since I want my own, but most guys who already have kids don't want anymore.
Thanks for bringing up the intuition thing. It does help to hear that and to realize that it's the best way to go, to listen to what really feels right and it seems as if things with this guy didn't feel quite right. I don't think he really is in a place right now to start a relationship because he has so many things going on and probably just trying to keep his head above water which I totally understand. I'm not sure if he was that into being on the date anyway, his mind seemed to be elsewhere. For some reason, I don't think I'll be receiving a call from him anyway. I was really sad yesterday, kind of depressed after hearing his sad story and I really did feel for him but I ended up telling myself that I'm not his higher power and god will take care of him and he'll be fine.
ClShywon, I also see your point in wanting a man who can physically be active with the children and who is capable of living a long healthy life for the children's sake.
At least this experience ended up opening my eyes and seeing things in a different way. If anything it made me realize how lucky I am to be super healthy even if things get lonely or rough someimtes.