How do I do it??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
How do I do it??
1
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 2:20pm

Whenever I start to develop feelings for a guy, I tend to get attached and end up hurting. It makes it a lot worse I guess because #1--I have a huge imagination, so as bas as it is, I start to think about the future with the guy. I'm not talking about wedding bells, but just about things we can experience together, how great he will get along with my family, etc. Also, #2--I've had very few great men in my life. My dad just recently walked out of everyone's lives, after being with my mom for almost thirty years. All my relationships tend to go sour before they really go somewhere great. It's just such a disappointment, so when I meet a really great guy, I'm like "Wow, this one's really different, I like him so much" and then the attachment begins.

I know better than to get this way. If any of my friends were in this position, I would dish out advice telling them to not think so much about the guy, but it's so much harder when you're in the situation. I am just tired of being disappointed in the end. I've become so skeptical about guys and cynical about love. I really dont want to be so bitter.

I was just wondering how to deal with this. I've just come to the extreme realization that there is no guarantee that someone will stick around, and to me--thats so painful, it literally makes my heart hurt. How do you go on without getting too attached to someone? Is it possible after spending so much time with someone? I am in college right now, I go out with friends, I have my own life...but those things don't help. I think a lot about the guy I am dating right now. We have been dating for quite awhile, but we haven't really put a label on it. We aren't "together" and I guess because of that I always have this tiny worry in the back of my head that one day I won't hear from him anymore. And even if we were together, what difference would it make? If my dad could leave my mom after almost 30 years, how could you ever feel secure with someone, knowing there are no guarantees?

I know the answer to that is to be more secure with yourself, and I am really working on that. In fact, I think I am very secure with myself for the most part, but once a guy steps in, I can't seem to develop the attitude that goes something like "oh well...f*ck it...I don't need him anyway."

And people say, 'well there are plenty of fish in the sea' but truth is--im tired of all those fish. It gets draining after awhile to meet a new guy, really get to know him, and then have it all end and have to meet someone new. I don't want to meet anyone new. I just want something good and solid in my life. At least for a little while.

I'm not the type of person that needs to be in a relationship all the time either. I've actually only been in two relationships, and then have been dating a lot. I guess I've just come to a point in my life where I really want security, and sure as hell can't find it in men. I don't know what to do about it. I know I shouldn't look to men for security, and I really don't, but it's the feelings of disappointment that just hurt me so much in the end...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 4:15am

I think your feelings are pretty normal and make a lot of sense. I've felt a lot of the things you describe, and still do. And I can imagine what happened with your father could shake your faith in a lot of things. I'm really sorry about that.

Honestly, as far as dependency, imagining the future and getting attached to guys go, I've changed more in my behavior than I have in my feelings. I've learned that acting needy and attached is a killer to most good relationships, so I play the part of secure-in-myself and not-too-attached.

That probably sounds pretty crappy, but I think it's taught me a couple of things. One is that my emotions don't have to control everything I do. It's good sometimes to act how you *want* to feel, instead of how you do - and it can get you to feeling how you want in a little roundabout way.

It's also taught me that I think I will always have these feelings to a certain extent, and that maybe these feelings are part of something good. Part of wanting something, or someone, is a longing and the feeling that your life would be better with that thing, or person. And it's natural, if you get that thing, to have a little fear of losing it. If you didn't worry about losing it, you'd probably stop wanting it, too.

Nothing is a guarantee in a relationship of course, but again, that's part of what makes them worthwhile. A completely sure thing is often less interesting or exhilirating, and also less of a challenging, learning experience. And sometimes losing someone, despite all the pain, turns out to be a really good thing. I look back on my serious relationships from college (I only had 2), and I am amazed to think of all the opportunities I would have missed or passed up if I had stayed with either of those boyfriends.

So anyways, I don't think you really have to rid yourself of feelings of attachment or fantasies about the future, just maybe grant yourself a little more optimism - that you will find someone to be secure with, even if it's not this one, and that you'll be all the stronger in your life for having dealt with some of the heartaches of love.

Gosh that was long! I hope I said *something* in there that was worthwhile! :)