Should I try harder or forget about him

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Should I try harder or forget about him
11
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 10:52am
Ok well my problem is a confusing one, two years ago my sister introduced me to this guys and we kinda hit it off right away after the second date I slept with him and after that we ended up seeing each other alot. We only saw each other during the night because I have kids and I don't think its right for them to see me with other guys unless its a serious relationship. So, we would see each other pretty much everynight and I really liked him the only thing was that he in a way I was ashamed to bring him around my friends he was a different race than me and he was more of ghetto which is what really attracted me to him. So I was with him for a while but I couldn't bring my self to get serious with him after about a year of dating i went to the club and saw an old friend i ended up hooking up with him the next day my guy came over and caught the other guy in my house, he broke up with me because he knew I had cheated on him. At first I was devastated because I felt like after that he was never going to be with me I kinda begged him to forgive me after a couple of weeks of apologizing he decided to give me a 2nd chance so now I tried but my kids father came back into my life after 3 years of not hearing from him my kids father said he wanted to work things out with me so I told my guy that I was going to leave him because I thought that it would be better for the kids.
So there goes heartbreak no. 2 after about 2 weeks of me being with baby daddy I found out he was with another girl and she was pregnant so of course i broke it off with baby daddy and decided i still wanted to be with my guy well everything was good he forgave me once again and even wanted me to move in with him. I told him no because the kids don't know him and it might just confuse them so i told him lets just continue seeing each other the way we have well he was always telling me that I don't respect him and I just use him and he wasn't sure if I really loved him honestly i wasn't sure myself I felt like I did but I never brought him around any of my family and I feel like i was embarrassed of what they might think to me he is not ugly I love his personality and style. So we were toghter again and guess what I met another guy who I thought was my soulmate and yup you guessed it i left my guy once again this time my guy got so upset he locked me in the bathroom and didn't let me come out he got violent but I don't know if i can blame him after all i cheated on him 3 times basically to his face and i didn't look like i cared. Well my soulmate wasn't my soulmate he actually left me for his baby momma my thing is I have been trying to tell my guy that this time is different and I really want to work things out and I want everyone to know he is with me and I am crazy about him but now he says that i have to show him that i am serious but i don't know if i am I think i am i am constantly thinking about him.. But I need advise is this my soulmate and I just haven't realized it or should i stop hurting him and let him go please help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 11:23am

Leave ALL OF THESE MEN alone. You sound very young and don't know what you want. You need to think about ways of bettering yourself and leave the guys alone for awhile. You're not ready for a relationship yet.

You said, "really liked him the only thing was that he in a way I was ashamed to bring him around my friends he was a different race than me and he was more of ghetto which is what really attracted me to him."

Huh? You like someone because they're ghetto?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 11:58am
Ok yeah your right about me being confused but I am a single mother of two, I have a full time job and right now everything in my life is ok except for the relationship part. Since the last guy I was with left I haven't been with no one else and its been 2months already and all I can think of is my guy I have spoken to him about how sorry I am that I hurt him and I want to work it out and I am willing to wait for him because he says that if he jumps back into a relationship with him I will end up hurting him again. So I have been waiting and I want him more now than ever. But my thing is do I want him to prove to myself that I can change and be with him or am I just playing with him and as soon as he takes me back I am going to hurt him again. That is what confuses me? And about me saying that him being ghetto attracts me to him...Well what I am trying to say is his style, his talk, his personality , the way he dressess he's like a Jay Z the rapper and I love that about him. I just think I am begining to realize that by him being the way he is I have let that affect my being in a relationship and that is why i never really commited but now I want to and he really is confused so should I keep pursing him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 12:07pm
Like I said before, leave this guy alone. No, do not pursue him anymore. You don't know what you want and you'll just end up breaking his heart again. You have 2 kids, why don't you focus on them and yourself? Are you in school now? How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 12:40pm

I agree with lolitalovely,
You sound very young and well, too immature to even think about pursuring a guy that you've let go of a couple of times. You say have two children, why not let them be the focus of your life instead of chasing a Jay Z wanna be? I don't think you need to be chasing guys right now, you need to be focusing on you and your kids. Besides, it's unbecoming of a woman pursuing a man anyway. When the time is right, you'll meet the right guy, but right now I agree with the o/p, you don't know what you want and when men or women don't know what they want, they end up making problems for other people involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:19pm
I am 25 yrs old and no I am not currently in school. I actually work from 8:30 to 5:30, after that I spend time with the kids do homework, eat dinner and than its bed time by 8:30 and like I said everything is great with them they don't know about any of my situations. I make it a point not to let them know of my personal life. But thank you for the advise i know I am very confused and most of my life I have never really made the right choices I just kinda felt that maybe if I tried it one more time things would be different and it would actually work. But I know that all I am going to do is end up hurting him even if those weren't my intentions. I really am not the type to pursue any man I am a beautiful young women its just I sometimes feel that by me being the way I am i am not going to meet that Mr. Right and if I ever do than I am going to mess up I think I am just destined to be alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 2:02pm

OH STOP THAT!!! You're only 25 years old! You have time, lots of time!! You have two little ones right now that depend on mommy and mommy needs to be there for them right now. There are so many stories in the news with single moms making wrong choices with men that they bring into their lives it's disturbing. You might not understand where I'm coming from because you want to meet Mr. Right and Right now, but when you get busy with life and not focus so much on men, that's when they come. You're only 25 and you make yourself sound like you're running out of time. Nothing can be further from the truth. And don't think that because you have kids, men won't want you, that's not true either! You just need to focus on you and your little ones who love you and need you right now. You'll never be alone as long as you have them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 3:12pm

Agree with ivil_mami25. You have lots of time for relationships. Right now your two children depend on you. You're a beautiful woman, there will be men and lots of them. You're probabaly focused on this guy right now because there really isn't anyone right now since your "soulmate" left you for his baby's mama so right now, "Jay Z" looks pretty darn good. But I don't think he's what you want right now, that you're settling so you don't end up alone. Lots of times when we settle, we still end up alone or miserable.

I would leave this guy alone because I don't think you're into him and you'll only end up hurting his feelings. Do him a favor and just walk away. Think about it, you wouldn't want a guy to do that to you would you? Just focus on yourself, and your children, maybe the three of you have a family outing or do something really special with them. That should cheer you up.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 3:27pm
Ok I know I can be hard-headed sometimes and make excuses sorry. So, I am going to try it out and see how it goes but he isn't the only guy there have been a lot of guys who ask me out especially since I decided to wait for him and not be with anyone else. But I guess if he didn't come back to me he just realized that its not worth it. So again thank you ladies for all your input I really appreciate it.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 7:15pm

This is my absolute honest opinion.


You're being very selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 10:16am
Wow well thanks for the honesty. And I just want to get one thing clear no my kids have never even met this guy for the simple fact that unless I know for a that a man is going to be in life with good intentions and we have a relationship than that's different. The reason why I wanted ya'll opinion was to see if I should just stop being selfish and try to work it out with him and if things went good in the future yes I would have introduced him to them if we were to get involved. I am not saying that I haven't made mistakes but I sure did learn from them. And one thing i can say is that I believe I set a great example for my kids they don't need to know what I do with my personal life I don't let guys know where I live and yes I am very honest with the guys that I meet about the way I handle my babies I have taught them how to be strong, independent, smart, loving, and grateful for what we have. I don't feel I am teaching them wrong because like I said they don't see what I do I make sure if i go out on a date, club etc that either they are at my sisters house or if they are being watched at my house that they are in bed before I start getting ready and they haven't seen me go out with no one except for there dad when he moved back and that I will admit was a mistake because i should have known that he wasn't going to change. You say that kids know well your wrong they only know what you do infront of them or what you tell them I am sure once they get older they will begin to know more ofcourse but by then my kids will be ok because they will know that there mommy sacraficed her heart and soul to give them everything they need and i can say one thing I gave birth to my daughter when I was 17 and my son 18 I have done everything by myself its been 7 years and I have never received one penny of child support I have been through alot and when the only thing I can't suceed at is a relationship than yes I feel like I have failed myself.

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