feeling bitter

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
feeling bitter
9
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:07pm

do you ever feel like you are the only single person around? I feel like this constantly. everyone in my family is in a RL, my friends are all in RL's, their friends friends are all in RLs. I'm really the odd woman out. It's hard...I sometimes feel like there must be something wrong with me. I have sort of alienated myself from friends because i got so sick of hearing about them talk about their boyfriends, who is getting engaged or married now, etc. I started to feel like they were being rude or inconsiderate towards me, when in reality they probably werent thinking anything. It just BOTHERS me that the people i all know seem to be in this mad dash to the alter. I wish i had more single friends i could relate to. I'm not in a hurry to get married, but i admit i would like a boyfriend. now, if i had cool single friends to hang out with...i dont know if i would feel the need to have a boyfriend right now. i feel undesirable, feel like no one wants me...and why are all these other people finding RL's but i'm not?

Ive started doing online dating...it's ok. I've gone out with a bunch of people, but no one that i've really felt like i like...

anyone else experience this? How to learn to ignore what every one is doing as far as relationships go so you dont end up feeling behind, left out, like a loser, etc?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
In reply to: corbeach
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 2:11pm

I know how you feel...all my friends are either engaged, married or in a long-term serious relationship. I'm single for practically the first time in my life and for a few months I was bitter. I tried online dating but NO ONE peaked my fancy and the couple guys that I did go out with were nothing special. I'm not a big dater in general though, I'd rather meet someone, have a couple 'normal' interactions and then develop a crush. It takes patience though doing it my way, haha.

There are many times I wish had more single friends who were able to go out but I just don't. Somewhere along the line in the past month or so I was just suddenly 'okay' with everything. I'm happy for my friends, good for them, but I haven't found the right person yet and I'm not going to settle. Plus I get to learn from them, their mistakes, how they handle things, etc etc. I'm doing things for me right now, making the life I want and if a guy comes along, I'll make time for him in my life. I think you really have to personally be okay with being single before you're not irritated by all the 'coupled' people. Being single doesn't mean there is something wrong with you! Everybody's been single at some point, and those people you think are perfect and always in relationships, they have flaws too! We all have flaws but you can't view yourself that way....focus on the positives, what makes you a great person, be content with yourself and then others will be drawn to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: corbeach
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 2:48pm
I agree with ivil sephora on this one. I have felt the same way as you but I do have a couple of single friends. Only a couple though and I know that one of these days it's possible that those friends will be with someone and I'll be the only single one. YOu just never know. It's tough living in a world that's so obsessed with the idea of marriage and you are trying to be single and happy and not settle. I guess that feeling of thinking that you are the only one and feeling out of place does pass after awhile when you get used to being single. We all go through our moments where we feel left out and we worry about what all the other people are doing because we are only human, but if we can do our best to talk ourselves into focusing on our own lives and not others when you find yourself thinking that way it will put you back into perspective and make you feel better. When you find yourself thinking "why am I not worthy of love and why are these other people so happy in r'ships" tell yourself this instead "I am worthy of love, I just havent' found the right one yet and I'm going to be happy as I can be in my own skin and when I know I can do it on my own then I will be able to be in a healthy r'ship with the right one. Besides how do I know that all these people are happy, they go through their struggles with their SOs too and probably wish they were in my shoes sometimes". It helps to see the reality of things and reverse your thought process when you get bitter and negative because sometimes what we are thinking and believing is distorted from actual reality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
In reply to: corbeach
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 1:25pm

corbeach,

Embrace your single life! There is a lot to be said about coming home to a clean, quiet place...just the way you left it, getting to eat whatever YOU want for dinner, getting to watch whatever YOU want on television, not having to have sex because you just don't feel like it. Ahhhh....to be single!! It's a statistical fact that 9 out of 10 people marry at some point in their life. Chances are you won't be single forever. Enjoy it while it lasts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
In reply to: corbeach
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 9:46pm
Yes, it seems that way to me too. I just had a friend of mine get married a few weeks ago and although I am happy for her I have as yet gone over to her house with flowers or sweets. I just feel left out and it is tiring to always be alone.
Have you ever been accused of being a lesbian just because you have no date?
I was working for this company a few years ago where we had to sign the Christmas party list so the company would know how many people would show up. When some people saw my name on the list they asked me why I would want to go. I worked with these people. Some of the women were married and I suspect were having an affair with the boss. The boss's wife was really a nice lady. I think she suspected her husband was cheating.
So, it's kind of a mixed bag out there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
In reply to: corbeach
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 10:25pm

Oh yes, this seems to be the story of my life right now, and for some reason, it really has me in a big funk today. Usually I will just tell myself "well, look at who they are with, maybe they are just with that person so they aren't alone" and for some of my friends, it's true, but I truly feel as though ALL of my close friends are in relationships. A friend of mine just started seeing someone and I am happy for her, and she mentioned that her new BF has a friend, and we should all go out, so I got excited about it, the prospect of meeting someone NOT online, but now when I bring it up, she doesn't say anything about it.

I wish I could offer some positive words, but I'm really down about my own single state right now and I feel like I'm going to be alone for a while as I haven't been asked out by a guy or even approached in a while, but please know that you aren't alone, and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling a little bitter about it.

ETA: I just went back and read the other responses and it's so nice to come here and hear so many supportive and kind words to everyone!




Edited 9/24/2006 10:28 pm ET by rebainmi
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
In reply to: corbeach
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 12:21pm

'When some people saw my name on the list they asked me why I would want to go'

well that is just really rude! I guess with stuff like that all you can do is laugh on the outside...i mean really the fact that they asked why you'd want to go just because you would be alone is ridiculous

i just feel like people are soo fixated on being with someone. I have basically withdrawn myself from my roomate over the past 2 months. She had been dating someone for 2 years-very unhappy with him the last 6. She kept saying that she planned to meet someoen else and then break up with him...well she did. I didnt say much about it for the first few months, but it has now bloomed into an actual relationship and she is with him all the time. I'm sorry for sounding childish, but the situation irritated me. It's like, oh how nice that she went from one guy to the next to avoid being miserably single right? It's not like either guy was great, she has admitted that she doesnt want to be alone. Knowing all this, it's just been hard for me to spend time with her. Even going out to eat with someone or for drinks with someone in a relationship has gotten tiresome for me these days. Seems like they always have to rush off to their SO, call their SO, will be sitting there sending text messages and giggling to their SO, etc.

Seeing all these people in RL's makes me feel like i have to be in one...when to be honest, im not sure i'd want a RL? i mean i do, but i'm sort of focusing on myself right now...but this constant chatter of marriage, engagements, pregnancies, does get to me. Like i said i've tried online dating this past month...but everyone i've gone out with, i just havent felt a spark with. However it has been nice going out with other people who are single and in the same situation as me. It would just be nice to have some single girlfriends to relate to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
In reply to: corbeach
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 7:55pm

Amen!! I have lived alone for the last five years and absolutely love it! The way I feel now, I don't want a man in my life, and messing up my home, or trying to take control. I love my emotional and physical freedom. And like you wrote, being able to do what I want, when I want. Being able to freely decorate my home the way I want it to look. Coming and going on my terms. Doesn't matter if I feel like staying in my pj's on my day off until whenever, or doesn't matter what I look like.

I can come home from work and cook, or not cook...it's all up to me. My life is truly mine.

I have been married twice before and don't miss it at all. Will I ever be with a man again? Who knows? All I do know is that for me, right now, going solo is perfect! :)

Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2006
In reply to: corbeach
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 6:05pm

Ohh, just like you, I am trying not to feel bitter either about all my friends being in a relationship, except me.

I learned that I had to change friends and cut ties with those who are bitter with love and life in general. I have said NO to: friends who are in relationships and friends who are bitter about being single, with the exception of my married-with-children sisters. My sisters are happy for me that I am still single and they are always telling me "Don't get married, stay single as long as you can." (They are even more jealous because I am able to travel more and can afford to pamper myself).hahaha

My last serious relationship was three years ago and all I have been doing is dating, which sometimes is fun and other times it just plain sucks. I don't like to hurry things and I really believe that things fall into place for everyone. Though sometimes I have felt stupid when a gay man asked me, " You are young, thin, pretty and smart, so tell me why you don't have a boyfriend?" I couldn't believe it, even gay guys have more luck than me! But life is weird that way.

My advice is to stop searching for that one man, avoid people who are in relationships as much as possible and go live it up! So when the right man for you comes along, you will already be fulfilled and happy with the many single girl experiences you've had.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
In reply to: corbeach
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 4:10pm
Sometimes I do feel as though I am the only living single person, but then I think of all the relationship "stuff" that I don't have to deal with. I can do or not do any darn thing at all and not have to worry about someone getting jealous, upset, left out, ignored, etc. etc.