need some emotional support

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2005
need some emotional support
5
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 5:24pm

ok I have come full circle with my sexual sebatical for one year decision. ITS NOW UP.
I am moving out of my moms home as well, after 6 months of looking for the right apartment and town.

I gave myself this sebatical so that i could emotionally, mentally, and psychologically recover from a sexual assault 2 yrs. ago, and relationships bad break up.

i have encountered visual sightings of my EX and the DD along with a new chick with them. Course my friend who hears the dirt on him has told me that he is just playing the field.
I was about 9 feet away from him at an outdoor concert. After i got to my car i lost my emotions and just cried. I cried because the sight of him gave me a rush of mixed emotions about me not telling him that i loved him even though i was leaving and because seeing him made me again see my attacker. I have recently admitted to my gf that i still have loving feeling for him, but i am comfortable with my life as it is now...single. I made the right choice of leaving him. I have recovered a lot from my attack and from my relationship with my then X-fiance. I know i have a long way to still go, but now i have owned my feelings and am able to feel that it is now time for me to move along in my life.

I am a bit scared in beginning to date again. I am even scared to have sex again.
I am not totally sure why i fear these normal events, but something inside of me is fighting with the vixen in my. i guess the OLD MAID and VIXEN are at war inside of me.
I know i am a beautiful woman, smart, strong and now highly opinionated.

I want to know how to be approachable ...and how to approach men without scaring them away.
I know one thing i must work at is not telling them in the first 6 months that i was assaulted. i do not want to spook them away before they relaly get to know me before they know my past. How do i train myself to stop telling strangers(even women) i had been assaulted. I do not do it often. it seems to come out after the other person tells me about something they have gone thru that was a hardship for them in life.

ALSO...i do not want my kids to be threatened by a new person in my life. I want them to feel comfortable and i also want to know...how soon is too soon to introduce my kids to a person whom i may eventually meet and think i may want a commited relationship with someday.
For right now in the next 6 months i do not feel i want to find a person to commit to...i just want to date...juggle a couple men.(and not hide it from either of them). kinda let them know I am not interested in a manogamous commitment at this time for private personal reasons. i have a few boundaries in mind that i plan on implementing with every person i date. No smoking and no sex untill i say so are top two.

Gosh. i feel like i am confusing myself even more by writing this out. IF anyone can understand me ...and help me out here...i'd appreciate it. oh by the way I am almost 40 yrs. old.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 11:28am

I don't have any profound thoughts, but I just wanted to send along a BIG HUG for support.

I think getting over any traumatic event is a process of two steps forward, one step back. It will get better with time, especially when you don't have to see the guy - I can't imagine how hard that must have been.

Are you still seeing a counselor? I think that can be a great emotional release during the times when the memories and stress come back on you.

Good luck, and hang in there.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 12:59am
You been thru a lot and need to give yourself TLC and Time to heal...6 months is still a short time to get over what you went thru! Give yourself time and do things you enjoy and stop dewelling on your Ex so much and think about yourself for now. When the time is right I don't think you will scare guys off but if you don't heal yourself first body and soul you will run everyone off..Take that from someone who knows and been there.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 4:10pm

First of all I want to say that I view you as courageous and strong for taking care of yourself like that.

My sense from what you shared on your post is that you are not ready for any kind of dating. That does not mean you won't benefit from getting out and doing group/social activities. There are many ways of doing that and people have posted a multitude of suggestions in this and other forums.

I have heard from therapists that one should not introduce your children to someone until it will be a for certain long term, committed relationship otherwise there is that attachment and the subsequent trauma of the breakup (again). Common wisdom is that you should in in an exclusive relationship for one year as a minimum to ascertain whether or not it will have "legs."

It sounds you need to (if you have not already) to continue therapy, if nothing else to have a skilled professional to process such things with.

Take care,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 5:26pm
thanks sinnamon for your kind words, advice, and support. I will do that. YOu are soooooooooooooooooo right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 5:32pm

Thank you so much for your advice and support, Mark. Taking my time is what i intend on doing. I have already done that. I have had a guy tell me to "call him tomorrow" and I well...am not gonna do that. WHY? because i feel that if i do then he may think that i am fair game to control and order around. I want to let him know that NO ONE, even he, cannot control who i talk to, when i talk to them, etc.