men being cruel in breakups

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
men being cruel in breakups
4
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 1:59pm

A friend of mine is going through a break up right now and i'm shocked by it. They have been together almost 4 years, she's 29, he's 30. He told her that he is no longer attracted to her and has been feeling this way for months. She thought they'd be together forever...they live together, it seemed like things were going in the right direction, but it was pretty clear to me the whole time that she was more into him than he to her. He could never come right out and tell her, yes i want to marry you. He'd say things about their future, but that was pretty much it...and anything he did mention about their future, she'd really hold to and talk about it all the time...it was almost like she was obsessed with marrying him or trying to convince herself that it was going to happen. SHe is a great person, but everytime i got together with her, she'd talk about, when they get married. I wish things had worked out for them because she was so hell bent on marrying the guy....he just didnt feel the same.

Why does it always seem to work this way with men and women? SO many times it seems to be the woman getting dumped because the guy isnt ready or she is not the right one. Why is the woman always ready? Why is the guy always so set on breaking up...there was no going back with them...he mentioned it on sunday, said he thought it would be best if they broke up and now he's moving out. It's scary...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 3:26pm

I feel for your friend. Unfortunately, these things happen in life. No one can predict the outcome of a relationship. It's a gamble you take. Your friend has no recourse but to pick herself up and move on.

This isn't something that just happened. He didn't just decide over night he wasn't attracted to your friend and decided to move out. He's felt like this for quite some time now. I would bet you anything he has someone already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 3:27pm

I think it goes both ways, quite frankly. I feel that women are more verbal about their wants with marriage and children, so it comes off as it's always the women who want this and end up getting dumped.

Personally, any couple where there is one person more into the other seems to be headed for a disaster. When there is not a mutual attraction or feelings, one of them usually gets freaked out and runs when marriage is discussed. I really feel that what's not said, speaks so much more, when it comes to future goals. Anyone who cannot confirm whether they want to marry somebody should really pay attention to those cues.

With your friend, it is possible that he was simply not ready to get married. Sometimes it is easier to break up with somebody then to tell them, "hey, you're not the one". He might have felt that if he stayed with her, those feelings would develop. Also, anyone who has gotten to the point of obsession kind of knows some where deep down that something is off. If she were confident he would marry her, then why obsess over it? Just my opinion.

Just be thankful that her guy was able to finally open up and be honest with her. It seems harsh and hard, but she is better off finding somebody who really adores her, even if it seems like a curse right now.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 6:28pm

I don't think he was being cruel at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 6:36pm
I feel for your friend. Who knows why this stuff happens. It does though and I guess that's just life and it's very hard to find someone you click with who likes you the same way back (at least it's been very difficult in my experience). Hopefully she will find someone who adores her just as much as she does him.