lonely and codependent

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
lonely and codependent
4
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 8:20pm

I am 39, divorced and successful in my career. All of my friends and family look at me as this attractive, got-it-together woman. I have a beautiful five year old son. We recently relocated to a new area in December and I purchased a beautiful home. I've seen a therapist and we discovered that I am codependent - so I've been working on that and have gotten better.

I enjoy doing so many different things and everyone sees me as outgoing with this awesome personality.

The problem is because of my codependency I seem to always end up in the wrong relationship. I've recognized this and feel like I've gotten better but am afraid of getting involved for fear of being hurt.

I've met a really nice guy who happens to be a psychologist (not mine) and we've become really good friends. The problem is I feel safe with him and I've been wanting more and this is the first time I can admit it. I'm not sure though if it is because I'm lonely or because I really would like a relationship with him. We've talked about relationships, etc and he is the kind of person who takes things really slow. There's no ex-wife, no kids and his reason was because he was schooling all the time. Now he wishes he would have done things different.

I get feelings of anxiety if I don't hear from him and it almost as if every time that happens I do hear from him. I'm confused but I really want to keep my friendship with him regardless of what develops between us. I am so scared of entering a relationship though, I have problems with intimacy and showing how I truly feel. I think he senses it.
Just needed to get all of this off of my mind.

Peace!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 11:31pm

From what you said, "I get feelings of anxiety if I don't hear from him and it almost as if every time that happens I do hear from him." It sounds to me that there is a co-dependency aspect there.

Rather than label it I would like to view ourselves knowing that we can be happy with or without the people around us and happier still if we are with the ones we love and like. Anxiety is an indicator of stuff you still need work on don't you think?

Insofar as practicing strengthening your sense of self, why don't you create friendships with men and women (i.e. no romance)?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 1:53pm

Mark - thanks for your post to the OP. I am not codependent, but your line about 'anxiety is a sign of stuff we need to work on' is so true. I needed to hear that today.

To the OP - it's a good sign that you're recognizing this tendency in yourself. Continue to talk to your therapist about this, and continue developing a friendship with this man while trying not to NEED him. Sounds like a great opportunity for you to show yourself that you can be all right alone, so that when the right relationship comes along, it's one you both WANT rather than NEED.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 7:58pm
Thanks for the encouragement. I am working on the codependent stuff. It's been difficult but I know I've come a long way. I decided this weekend that I will continue to enjoy his friendship and let the pieces fall where they may.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 8:40pm
You may want to check out a book called Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. It gives some really good insight into the causes of some anxiety, like repressed emotions stemming from childhood. It's good that you are seeing a therapist, and not just treating the anxiety, but trying to get to the root of it. Shame can cause us to be anxious, depressed, compulsive, co-dependent, have feelings of low-self esteem, feelings of inaduecy, etc. Not saying that your this way, but it may be beneficial for you and your therapist to look into it. Hope everything works out for you.