Question about saving it for marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Question about saving it for marriage
25
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 1:39pm

On The Bachelor series, there is this woman who is 23 and told the Bachelor she is saving herself for marriage. She seems to believe this will enhance her value in his eyes. He told her he never would have asked her if she was a virgin or not, in the first place (it didn't matter to him).

Do men these days really care? Do they want that woman who is saving herself? DO women want a man who is saving himself?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 6:45pm
Not everyone saves themselves for another person. Remaining celibate until marriage is something I do for myself - it saves me from all the problems sexually active single women have. If I were to find someone that I wanted to marry and he saw it as a good thing that I was celibate until marriage - so much the better. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 7:56pm

It's obviously a personal choice and there are some people who are looking for a partner who is saving sex until marriage.

Personally however, a healthy sexual relationship is important. Relationships are holistic, personality, values, goals/dreams, sex, communication, etc etc. You'd never marry a guy who had great values, similar goals, was great at communicating and who you meshed with sexually but had a personality that completely didn't work with yours right? So why would you marry a person who you were polar opposites from on the sexual scale?

Differences in your sexual lives will eventually spill over into the other areas of the relationship; case in point - you love to change things up, be sexually adventuresome while he prefers the missionary every night with the same foreplay pattern. Eventually you're going to feel dejected, like there's something wrong with you, or that you're not 'doing it for him' and your communication will strain.

I don't think that not meshing sexually means a relationship can't work, because you can work on anything if you're willing. But if you're on different ends of the spectrum it might be incredibly difficult.

Sex in my mind is healthy. You can choose what you want your sexual life to be. Random one night stands to serious relationships or marriage. You can choose to use multiple forms of protection or nothing at all. As in anything, you are the one in control.

I say to each his own...whatever works best for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 7:49am

..are you prepared to take the risk of finding out that you are completely sexually incompatible after you're married and live with it for the rest of your life?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 9:02am
Humans have been marrying for centuries without finding out whether they are sexually compatible first. Somehow the human race has survived. Besides - since people have become sexually active BEFORE marriage the divorce rate has gone up. I think what is going on is people are mistaking sex for love. Also- sex is very affected by life situations - what meds you are on, your hormones, how much stress you are under. Just because you are sexually compatible with someone when you are 25, that doesn't mean you will still be compatible at 45. A marriage is about commitment and working through problems - not about always getting what YOU want, or what HE wants. Just my take on the sexual compatibility issue. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 10:05am

I apologize but what you are saying does not make sense to me at all. You haven't yet had the experience of sex, is this correct? That is clear from your every word - it's a bit like listening to a person who has never been to say, Japan, talk at lengh about the country in a very opinionated way. Sexual compatibility is E X T R E M E L Y important for a couple, especially for a couple who decide to 'attach' themselves to each other for the rest of their lives. Do not assume that because it used to be the norm in the past, sexually incompatible couples lived happily ever after - people had no other option but to stay together so they did - and suffered in silence. You will unerstand when your time comes, that is all I can say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 11:12am

>Do not assume that because it used to be the norm in the past, sexually incompatible couples lived happily ever after - people had no other option but to stay together so they did - and suffered in silence.

This is true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 11:26am

While I am not saving myself for marriage, I do want to say something in support of you... I think you can get an idea of your sexual compatibility with someone without actually having sex.

Case in point, I dated one guy who was a terrible kisser (tongue jammed down the throat and wouldn't let me breathe). Later, we slept together, and we didn't "mesh" at all that way. The kissing should have been my first clue.

Also, waiting to have sex (whether for marriage or just later on in the dating relationship) can be a great way to truky get to know the other person without the hormones getting in the way right away. Nothing wrong with taking things slow.

It is absolutely a personal choice whether or not you decide to have sex before marriage. I do recommend at least making out with the guy first to get an idea of what the future might bring, and might I suggest avoiding the tongue-jammer types. ;) Sex is really important to a relationship -- and not just the sex act itself -- but sex as a way of creating intimacy and connection with your partner and a way of showing your love for each other. I think it is essential to a happy relationship.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:06pm

Sex is really important to a relationship -- and not just the sex act itself -- but sex as a way of creating intimacy and connection with your partner and a way of showing your love for each other. I think it is essential to a happy relationship.>>

This is your opinion and you are entitled to it- but sex means different things to different people. It's importance varies among humans. Some people live their whole lives without sex (happily, even) and some people are promiscuous their whole lives. Most people are probaby some place in between these two extremes. If two married people agree that sex is not the #1 factor in their happiness, they can be as happy as a married couple that believes sex is the #1 factor influencing their happiness. But like I said - people's sex interests & drives change throughout their lives and compatibility at 25 does not equal compatibility at 45. Experience doesn't make for a stable marriage either - just look at the fact that people who live together before marriage are MORE likely to divorce than people who don't live together before marriage. I think marital stability is about commitment, compromise, communication and a bit of luck ! Iri




Edited 10/19/2006 7:26 am ET by iridiumite
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:11pm

>>This is your opinion and you are entitled to it- but sex means different things to different people. <<

It goes without saying that this is my opinion. Everything we post here is our opinion - not black or white truth. I think that's what makes the board so worthwhile - the variety of life experience and opinions shared.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 12:57pm


'I think marital stability is about commitment, compromise, communication and a bit of luck !'

Agree - except you are missing out a very important part of it - sexual compatibility. Committment, compromise, communication, a bit of luck and most definitely sexual compatibility.

Can I ask you how old you are?

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