Purposefully being unapproachable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Purposefully being unapproachable?
7
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 10:57am

This hit me the other day...I think I'm purposefully being unapproachable! I have always been able to connect well with everybody, making new people feel comfortable, especially in business situations. I've been single for 6 months now maybe and struggle with determining if I want to find a serious relationship or just be single. I may answer my own question though...

Over the past couple months I will completely introvert myself if I see an attractive nice guy. I won't make direct eye contact or smile and I'll remove myself from proximity as soon as possible. Grocery store, in the office building, parking lots, the mall, etc etc. I know WHAT to do to be approachable, but I just don't do it. Is that out of fear or rejection or because I don't want to be approached at all? Although I hate dating, I know that if I want to meet a great guy, I have to do it.

I've met a couple of people I've been seriously attracted to but it's started out more as friends, with multiple interactions so I've been able to develop some level of trust (co-workers). However I don't work or interact with many 'new' people these days so my options are 'drying up'.

Wow I'm babbling, can anyone decipher why I'm acting the way I am?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:47am

Fear??

That's just a guess because I'm going through that myself. I'm even seeing someone, and I go back and forth between being open and approachable and a little standoffish with him. In my case, I know it's fear brought on by past rejections and hurts. I really like this guy and don't want it to end like so many of my past relationships.

The thing is, fear hurts us more than it helps, doesn't it? It keeps us from the things we really want in life.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 12:41pm

You make a good point, I fear going through all the stress that I went through with prior relationships. I could fall for someone that I trust a little, but not a complete stranger. Of course after you go out a few times you're no longer strangers. I'm just kinda content doing my own thing and I don't want to upset it by dating people I don't know and are unsure about.

Am I being unrealistic about dating because I want to have a few interactions w/someone before accepting a date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 1:20pm

I don't think so. I think wanting to know someone a little better first makes perfect sense.

It does seem like so many people want to fast track relationships these days, and I just don't think they CAN be fast tracked. Each relationship must develop at its own pace.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 5:31pm

I went through the same thing after college.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 11:00pm

Well, I'm doing the same thing but I was told my confidence left me and I'm afraid ALL my relationships will be like the one before.... You may need to consider counseling ..
It helps ya in MANY ways!
I'm still very single. I seem to draw drunks, druggies and users.... So I just quit for awhile until I get MYSELF back into the swing of living..

Living single and loving it....
Women do not NEED a man to survive, having a man in your life can be wonderful when the guy that mirrors you comes along.

It happens when your not lookin' I've heard...

Good Luck..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:34am
I find my self doing the same thing. I just got out of a 2 year unhealthy relationship. I am fine now because I was going to counseling during the last year of the relathionship in which I had already started separating myself from the ex. I am fine, a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders, no longer getting sick, and happier single because I was lonely in the relationship. Prior to the relationship I used to go to Starbucks daily to meet new people and socialize with the locals. I have started my Starbucks routine and find myself being unapproachable like I don't want to make eye contact to the men that look at me. I keep asking myself why I do this because I would like to meet a man. All I can think of is that I don't want to be asked out by someone who I am not interested in because I have been approached by a few older men and I am not sure how to tell them I am not interested when I see them all the time and they know that I am single. I always dated older men and this time around I don't want to no more, because my last few relationships the men were getting ready to retire and did not want to make love as much as I wanted it. I would say someone closer to my age would be more compatible with me as far as interests and places in life.

Anna

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 3:35pm
It's called self-preservation. I should know, having artfully mastered it after walking out on my BF in June! It's a natural reaction to safeguard your heart, but don't worry; when the right person and situation arises, you'll welcome it.