Communicating in a relationship
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Communicating in a relationship
| Sat, 12-30-2006 - 1:23pm |
When you have a problem you need to talk about with a guy (or gal), how do you go about it?
| Sat, 12-30-2006 - 1:23pm |
When you have a problem you need to talk about with a guy (or gal), how do you go about it?
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I will sometimes type out an email and save it as a draft. Then I will go back and revisit it several times, imagining myself as the recipient instead of the originator. Nine times out of ten, it will not be sent.
Unfortunately, I am passive aggressive. Most times, I will sit on something until the appropriate moment to address the issue has passed then, several weeks later I will retaliate by either being cold, evasive, or unavailable. Of course, by this time, the person on the receiving end has absolutely no idea what is going on. I didn't realize that I was like this until one of my girlfriends married someone similar. He would do this sort of thing to her and one day she exploded on me exclaiming: "He is just like you!!!"
I am in awe of assertive individuals. I wish I could change. Whenever I try to be more assertive, the words don't always come out right and I feel as if I am coming across as an angry, irrational person. Granted, I see some people who take this trait to the extreme at times, but generally, I think that it is more healthy than being passive. Keep in mind, I have no data to back that theory up ; )
I'm also passive and wish I weren't.
I'm new to this board but not to the village.
I agree, NYE is/should be an automactic date nite if you are coupled up.
I too have a similar problem with a guy that I've been dating for a year. We get along great when we are together but he isn't strong in the communication department. Like if I don't call him, he rarely calls me first. We saw each other last Friday before Christmas and he said he would be over for dessert on Christmas day, but never showed, never called. This is very typical of him. He will claim that he forgot, or he had to work (he is in law enforcement and sometimes keeps crazy hours with the felons he deals with) or the best one is he left his cell phone in a transport vechicle. Now I know these are all excuses and I should call him to the carpet for this but like you guys said, I just can't seem to be assertive enough to initate the conversation.
Here's the real kicker-in my career I am a Project Manager and am very assertive at work with my staff and co-workers. So what gives?
I'm sitting here at my computer this NYE morning paying bills, checking emails and waiting to see if he comes online! DUH! And of course I'm saying that the next time I talk to him I'm going to finally give him what for, but secretly knowing that I probably won't.
So that is one of my New Years goals, to be more assertive in my private life. But like you said it's a fine line between assertive and bitchy. Then again I see so many bitchy women that are down right rude to their better halfs and they seem to get everything they want and then some?!
Just my 2 cents this morning, thanks for letting me vent! LOL!
e
I can't stand that no calling crap.
I bring it up at the next appropriate time. I try to make it as conversational and non-confrontational as possible in order to maximize the chances of having a good talk about whatever it is. I find that whether I have trouble getting the words out is a good indicator of whether the relationship is a good (or potentially good) one for me. If I can talk to the guy about the hard things, then that's a good sign. I'm not saying that it's always easy to have those conversations, even in a good relationship, but if I don't feel I can even bring tough things up, that's not a good sign.
Sheri
Cl-Shywon,
If I was in a serious relationship, then I would expect to spend time with my partner on NYE or at least have a discussion about our plans. If I was at the start of a relationship, I wouldn't neccessarily assume that this was the case. Some men may be clueless but surely spending NYE with someone you care about is a no brainer. The fact that you couldn't bring up the topic naturally without feeling some anxiety shows that perhaps you're not at that serious relationship stage with T as yet.
Feisty
Well, how did it all turn out? I am assuming that you two are not yet exclusive, I apologize if that is incorrect. However, if I am correct then you are free to date other people. If this had been me, I would have done everything in my power to make sure I had a date (even if only a friend) for NYE. I've done it in the past and it works almost every time.
I haven't won any prizes for my communication skills but I would handle "the talk" the same exact way that I would have handled NYE. If it isn't going to go anywhere, he will not react when he "accidentally" finds out that I am dating someone else. If he does want the relationship to evolve, then he will step in and claim his woman!
I realize that this probably isn't the healthiest, most sane way to go about this sort of thing, but it does work. Usually.
Everything turned out fine.
I always feel anxiety when I have to bring something up that I'm upset about- even with friends, my sisters, my mom even.
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