What makes a person cheat?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
What makes a person cheat?
6
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 2:30pm

Do you think that it is situational, simple weakness, lack of morals/a good up-bringing, reflects on the person who was cheated on, or is it a result of insecurities/emotional scars deep within the cheater?

Also, do you have any theories on why this seems to be such an epidemic in our society? Are you a believer in the theory that we were never meant to be monogamous creatures?

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 3:21pm

I think boils down to values, plain and simple. If you highly value monogamy, then you won't cheat, no matter what. If you don't value it over everything else, you will, at least under certain circumstances.

People give all sorts of "reasons" for cheating but I think they are just excuses.

As to why it's an epidemic--selfishness and feelings of entitlement are rampant and many people value those things more highly than monogamy and/or having empathy for their partner.

No, I don't buy the biological imperative to cheat--if there is one, it can be overcome by placing a high value on monogamy. And if you don't value monogamy, then you shouldn't vow to be in a monogamous relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 10:23pm
Amen to that. People use lame excuses all the time such as "I cheated because I was unhappy". If you are so unhappy then freaking tell the person already and try to work things out and if you can't work things out and have tried your best and are still unhappy, then LEAVE before it gets to the point of cheating. Some people just don't respect the ones that they are with to be monogamous.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:10am

I think it's definitely not a one-size-fits-all answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:12am

I think it is different for each person. I think with my son's father it was situational weakness. I think with my last bf it was insecurities.

I think that the more it happens the higher the statistics go and I think the statistics are being used as an excuse. Oh well it is something that happens.. look at the statistics..

I think we all want to be monogamous. We all dream of that closeness/oneness. Then the statistics get in the way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 4:58pm
I have never been married, but I've known plenty of married couples who do not know what they need from a mate or they do not know themselves well enough to be able to know who they need to marry-I hope this makes sense to you all. So, some years, and in some cases months, down the road, they have problems. Then, they finally develop an understanding of what a marriage entails. Ding, ding, ding, it is far too late because you're already married. There are so many factors to be considered, but I find this situation to be very common.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:11pm

My two cents would be, "all of the above".


I think ppl that cheat, do it for different reasons. Yes, it can come down to values, but at the same token, I think it's more than that. Allowing your values to go to the wayside is one thing, but the reason you're allowing them to do that is what? And it can be anything you said above.


I have been cheated on and have cheated myself. I'm sure my xh cheated on me because I was a nagging overweight wife and he found someone else to entertain him on all levels. Other x's have cheated because there was opportunity and they just followed their hormones. Me, I cheated because it was me proving that I was wanted (meaning I had some huge insecurities issues).


As I have grown up and matured, I have the same thoughts most people do, if you value yourself and the person you supposedly love or married, give them the respect of leaving them PRIOR to cheating. I really really hate the ppl that say I love my wife, even though I'm cheating on her, but it's only physical (or whatevers). If you loved her so dang much, you wouldn't be cheating. You'd be expressing yourself to her and getting the two of you into counseling.


One thing you have to realize though (you in general terms) is that strangely, people value MARRIAGE more than they do MONOGAMY. It seems as though people would rather stray, and even spouses that know their SO is straying will allow it....to have that marriage stay in tact.


To me, that's sooo unhealthy. I'd rather be divorced, single, and alone....than to be cheated on and/or allowing it......or cheating on