I don't want my great boyfriend!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
I don't want my great boyfriend!!
10
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 4:32pm
I met a guy over the internet in May of 2004. We've been together since then and it was great at first, while it wasn't serious. He seriously is in love with me and lately, I've just felt so suffocated by the whole relationship. I was very much in love with him (but never felt the "forever" kind of love, I don't believe in "forever" when it comes to relationships, anyway), but I think I've fallen out of love with him, yet I love him (as in I care very much about his well-being, etc). I live alone, I have a full-time job, and I also go to school, and I pay for everything for myself. He lives in his dad's house while his dad works in another country, his dad pays for his college and gives him an allowance and he hasn't held a job for very long ever since we've been together (he's 26 right now). He has also changed his major about 4 or 5 times since I've known him. Other than that, he's a really funny, sweet guy, but it's just gotten old between us. His jokes aren't funny anymore, they're annoying. A lot of the time, I dread seeing him on the weekend like we always used to do. He sometimes gets into the habit of calling me every night even though we don't have anything new to talk about (which I've asked him not to do in the past) and now I dread every night because he might call AGAIN for no good reason. I know it sounds so bad. I should feel so annoyed and smothered, especially since he's just ALMOST the guy I've always wanted...but not quite. I haven't told him about this stuff yet. I don't know how to tell him. I feel at home with myself when I'm single, so I tend to leave behind perfectly good (but not perfectly perfect) relationships. Even now I can't stop dreaming of being single and not having to constantly maintain a guy's ego or food cravings. I like being alone, I was alone a lot as a kid, it's home to me. I just don't know how to tell my guy about all of this. Any suggestions? I'm leaving the country for military purposes at the beginning of February and won't be back until the beginning of March, I was thinking about using that time to distance myself from him. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 7:08pm

He sounds like a great guy, just not the one for you. Love is one of those complex emotions that has different levels. You can love someone because you truly care about them without having romantic feelings.

Your backgrounds seem very different, which obviously isn't a problem unless you wish they were more similar. To me the ability to hold down a job and prove financial responsiblity is important, and it may be important to you as well.

Also people that are content being alone can be easily smothered but feel bad about speaking up! It's okay to need time to you and if you don't want him calling all the time, just let him know that once a night is fine.

I say don't force yourself to stay with someone just because you feel like your reasons for wanting to break up aren't valid. You have some excellant points and I think you should explore the possibility of seperating from him. However if you don't want to throw in the towel just yet, talk to him about how you've been needing a little more personal space. I know that when I get a little bit annoyed, EVERYTHING is annoying, haha.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:50pm

I wonder if there is a link between being comfortable alone and growing up alone as a child as it pertains to being with a significant other. Both of my siblings were significantly older than I and were both married and out of the house by the time I was 15. From age 15 on, I had to adjust to a quiet house. My sister married in '86 and my brother, in '87. Even before they each married, they were always at college or were working. I like yourself am quite comfortable being alone.

If you are actually dreading spending time with this guy, I say, cut him loose. There is no reason to waste anymore time with him. Make sure this is really what you want, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:34pm

Even if a guy is the greatest guy in the world, that doesn't mean he's right for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 12:42pm

Having been on the other side of this kind of relationship (I was madly in love with him - he loved me in his own way, but wasn't 100% there), I can tell you to please do him a favor and end it now if you truly don't return his feelings. It is one of the most painful things in the world to love someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, especially after years in a relationship.

From your perspective, don't stay with someone simply because you "should" love him. He may be perfect on paper - but not necessarily perfect for you.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 3:06pm
I read your post and it made me do some serious thinking!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 5:49pm
I just broke up with my boyfriend today, over email (he made me tell him what was wrong over email because I'm at work). I feel like such a bad person, I feel so guilty for doing this. But he keeps telling me that he knew it wouldn't last either, he knew we weren't headed to the same place. I feel relieved and at the same time, I feel sad, I just hope that it won't be the end of my talking to him, after all, he's been my best friend for over two years. :( I've got a lot of healing to do over this, but I know it's all for the better in the long run.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 12:12pm

It's probably best for both of you to not have contact for awhile. It will help him let go and not harbor some false hope that you will come back.

Before that, though, you might have to have a few final, in-person conversations for closure - if that is needed for either of you.

Hang in there.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 12:27pm
Don't feel like a bad person, or feel guilty (easier said than done, I know) - you did the right thing for you, and that's sometimes not easy to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:13pm
please don't keep talking with him. my bf has broken up with me twice, but he gets in contact with me again, perhaps with feelings similar to yours, and we get back together, even though i know it's not the best thing to do. i love him so much that i just can't be the strong one to break off contact. you have to be the strong one. please. i wish my bf had done that for me sometimes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 12:46am
We said our final goodbyes last Tuesday (I guess 7 days ago, seems like it's been longer than that). I told him I couldn't see him or talk to him anymore, it would just hurt too much to keep contact with him. Since then, though, I have felt very good about the whole situation. I'm embracing my foray back into singledom, and I'm loving it! I can't wait until I can really get the hang of going out and doing things by myself, but it's still pretty early, I've got plenty of time. I agree that no contact is the best way to go. It makes the healing process go by faster instead of constantly reopening wounds.