Why is it so hard?
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| Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:56pm |
I'm just in a funk these days. I really don't want to give up but yet don't want to try so hard. Why can't love just happen with reasonable effort? I thought that if I have things going on in my life, if I keep myself presentable, be kind, fun, and have a few interesting thoughts in head, that someone will want me and yet here I am 10 years after I realized I wanted someone in my life, back to square one. No one to be there for me when I just want to kick back, talk about my day, accompany me to social events, or just spend a quiet evening in. A shoulder to put my head on, a warm body to snuggle up to and feeling secure and loved at the same time.
Pretty, nice, smart, and funny? Isn't it what most people want so why don't they want me? I go through phases. Recently was feeling positive b/c what else can I do but at times, it hits me that I haven't had a RS in years. I've been telling myself, it'll happen but why can't I see any light at the end...

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Hi White Satin,
Well, I absolutely know what you mean! When we are feeling like this all of the couples seem to pop out of nowhere, you can sense the connection they have and want it all of the more. But, ya know what, they say that when we are not looking or expecting it, that is when it will happen, outta the blue that person will walk right into our lives.
I try and remind myself that I am better off alone (hopefully temporarily) than I was in a loveless marriage. Not much of a consolation I know , but hey it helps, sometimes. : )
I am also told that I am attractive, smart, funny, and nice. Nice seems to be a deterrant these days, not sure why, have you heard that too?
Hope you find that special someone soon.
Suzie
Hi suziekitten,
I feef the same as you when I read questions about relationship problems. At least people have RS. I have no relationship. In fact in the past 10 yrs nothing ever came close. I wonder sometime if finding a mate is like going to school, you go in steps, 1st get dates, then go steady, then engaged, married. If I can't even get past the first few dates how can I even go anywhere or is it like when it happens it can happen fast. I don't know.
At times I feel hopeful. Recently I did. What other choice do I have? But at times like right now it seems so frustrating. I read some other posts about online dating. I've tried it too w/o much success. My feeling about it is it's so hard to connect with someone you meet online b/c most people are not serious about finding someone. Secondly I find it hard to connect b/c you don't start out with common grounds. For instance, if you meet someone at work/school or through other social avenues where you have time to get to be friends, you have time for feelings to grow whereas online you meet someone and since you don't already have connection, it's so easy to just let things slide.
I don't know, I'm still old fashioned and have romanticized idea about meeting someone and becoming friends first. That kind of RS is so much stronger and closer.
I relate, white satin.
I don't think it's old-fashioned at all to want friendship first. I have also tried online dating with similar results: you just don't have enough in common, and the whole thing is incredibly awkward. Of course people have met this way...but I think it is the exception, and I think one must be very thick-skinned to do it.
Unfortunately, there really is no magic way to meet someone special, and I know you know this. I'm sure you have done all the things I have done: volunteer and professional groups, singles vacations, parties, bars, outings with friends, etc. etc. Yes, 10 years is a long time to go without a relatioiship, for all the reasons you mention. But if it makes you feel less alone, I have gone 18 years without one. Gosh, I kind of gasped when I typed that. But when I got divorced, I promised myself that I would never stay in a bad relationship ever again, and I haven't. Perhaps that is cold comfort, but I have kept myself available for a healthy relationship to come along.
In the last six months, there has been a shift in my thinking about why I'm not in a relationship. As a result of a meditation CD and book by Kathy Freston ("Expect a Miracle") I really zeroed in on "what was keeping love away." In a nutshell, for me, it is low self-esteem. I also concentrated too much on what was lacking in my life, therefore attracting more of the same ("That to which we pay attention in ours lives grows stronger.") I haven't met anyone as a result of this new thinking, but I really feel so much better and hopeful, and I think it has brought more positive things into my life. I feel it is only a matter of time. And if I never do find a great relationship, at least I will be feeling more positive about my life.
I know that this may sound like "it's all your fault," but that's not the case. Not at all. For me, this shift in thinking has been incredibly liberating.
And, I think that luck is underated. Some people would argue with me over this. But the fact is, if you haven't met anyone, it could just possibly mean you haven't been in the right place at the right time. Having said this, I also feel that "luck favors the prepared mind."
You sound like you have your head on straight. I don't think you should try to compromise your ideals or standards. Know that there are a lot of women, just like you, who have gone a really long time without a RS. In this sex-saturated culture we live in, some people think to even go 3 months without a RS is a long time.
Another incredible book I would recommend to you is "With or Without a Man." Especially useful in this book are the descriptions of the cultural messages women get growing up about "finding a man."
Anyway, take care and good luck.
Perhaps your standards in men are too high. A lot of girls complain about how the media creates an unrealistic standard in beauty for women, but how hard do you think it is for guys? It seems like these days, girls only want guys who are handsome, smooth, cool, edgy, popular, athletic etc. Unfortunately, not every guy can be captain of the lacrosse team.
Atleast you're a girl. It's much easier for a girl to get a guy than it is for a guy to get a girl. All you have to do is doll yourself up oneday, look a guys way, smile and say high, and I guarantee you, 90% of the time he'll be yours.
"At least you're a girl. It's much easier for a girl to get a guy than it is for a guy to get a girl."
OK girls, do you agree with this? Sorry, but from where I'm sitting, I don't think so. In fact, I would say in one respect it's easier for men: they get to do the asking. Yes, yes, I know, it's supposedly OK for women to ask men out now, but I think the overwhleming number of men want to do the asking and are frankly put off by women who ask them out--even thought they claim they love it. Having said this, I think it's equally hard for either sex to find a special person.
"Perhaps your standards in men are too high."
OK, this is another cultural myth, same as "You're too picky." (Read the book "With or Without a Man") Could it be that "picky" just means you're looking for someone you actually have things in common with and that there is chemistry? If it didn't matter, then a person could walk out the door any day of the week and hook up with someone special.
Frankly, I wasn't "picky enough" when I got married.
>>>OK girls, do you agree with this? Sorry, but from where I'm sitting, I don't think so. In fact, I would say in one respect it's easier for men: they get to do the asking.<<<
That doesn't make any sense. That just proves how hard men have it. We have to do the work.
Do you know how nerve-racking it is for most guys (myself included) to approach a girl and ask her out? And just because the guy asks her out doesn't mean she'll say yes, so coupled with that, there's the fear of rejection and humiliation. It get increasingly harder the prettier the woman is or how long you've known her. Plus, to get a girl to say yes, the man has to play this whole game; he has to say the right things, ask the right questions, make the right amount of eye contact, have the right kind of body language. This is why so many men complain about players and bad-boys getting the majority of quality women; because that small minority knows how to play the game.
>>>Yes, yes, I know, it's supposedly OK for women to ask men out now, but I think the overwhleming number of men want to do the asking and are frankly put off by women who ask them out--even thought they claim they love it. Having said this, I think it's equally hard for either sex to find a special person.<<<
Now see, we men don't think like you do. We don't say one thing and do another. We don't say, "I want a nice guy" and then go have sex with a tattooed, pot-smoking bass player who's slept with 30 or 40 other women.
When we say we love something, it means we REALLY love something. We love to get approached by girls because it take so much of the pressure off us. If a girl asks a guy out, it means he doesn't have to work up the courage to approach her, it means he doesn't have to concentrate on saying the right words or making the right moves to get her interested.
The reason it is percieved that so many men are turned off by a woman approaching is because of 2 reasons.
1) On the rare occasion when a woman approaches, she'll usually go after the most attractive man in the room (like I said, a minority of men getting the majority of women) which makes all the other men bitter or jealous or depressed and turns them off to the idea to women approaching. And...
2) Most of the women who go out of their way to approach men are unattractive. They approach a guy because other guys wouldn't approach her.
However, if the girl takes the time to make herself look good (and I stress "takes the time," because I believe the vast majority of women could make themselve gorgeous if they take the time to stay in shape, do their hair, dress well, etc; I've seen MANY girls that guys would wrench and crack jokes about behind their backs turn into bombshells when they applied themselves to it) she can say just about anything to a guy and he'll play along. Unfortunately, the vast majority of women, attractive or not, don't approach.
Thank you for your thoughtful post. It's good to know that I'm not alone in this long drought for love. I personally don't know anyone who's gone as long as me w/o a RS (actually 2 gf but they are not ready and don't seem to want it) unlike me. The problem is not being single by choice. The problem is being single but not wanting to be.
I'd like to respond to your points about positive thinking. Ironically the man who introduced me to this concept is the same man I'm hopelessly in love with who doesn’t return my feelings. This situation also brings up so much sadness and the importance of the luck factor. I can only tell you I’m in a very painful place right now and it is the reason I don’t feel like trying too hard to meet men. I want it but my ego and emotions are just too fragile right now to risk being broken down again. One day soon I’ll be over it and when I feel strong enough I’ll venture out again. These days I deal with it by working and when I can go out with gf’s to just have fun.
I found the book “expect a miracle” and will have a read soon. Along this line I’ve been exploring the concept of the power of thought and have been working on making myself believe in good things despite the circumstances. It’s hard to try b/c my experiences told me otherwise. In the past at times when I thought something wasn’t going to happen and it did. Likewise I had thought something was going to happen and it didn’t. So my experience told me it didn’t matter what I thought. On the other hand, the worst feeling in the world is being hopeless and I don’t want to be in that place. So I tell myself positive things and intend to do so until I actually believe. I’ll try to visualize things. The example I was given was a simple one, suppose I wanted a new car. Go to the dealership and sit in that car, experience it, drive it, and imagine you have it. Write it on a board to remind yourself of your goal. I can think of ways to apply this to the goal of being married or in a RS. It’s going to require some work but if I want to change my life I have to be proactive.
White satin,
You say you're grieving right now, so I think it's very important to honor that and wait to tackle dating until you're feeling stronger....which it sounds like you're doing. I think it can be hard to make yourself be overly positive when you're hurting.
But when the grief does subside (and it will) it can be like a fresh start for you.
All the best.
Just know you're not alone. Here in the U.S., the number of single women outnumber the married women. I believe the stats were 51% single compared to 49% married. Of course I don't believe the numbers to be that accurate. I believe the statistics are microcosm.
Don't feel to bad. You're not alone.
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