Is this bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
Is this bad?
4
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 7:40pm

Need Advice!

I went out with a friend from college last night and she was really depressed about her personal life. I was hoping you ladies could give me some advice as to how to make her feel better. I don't think I made her feel better last night despite my attempts.

Dana, 23, now a grad student (I am too but we go to different schools), we were great friends throughout college. She is depressed about the fact that she has NEVER been in a serious relationship. She dated a little in high school (very little according to her) and did not date anyone in college. She isn't dating in grad school either. She is severely physically disabled (can't move arms/legs, in wheelchair, requires help with everything, etc). She is a great person - very smart, funny, loves to have fun. She had a lot of friends in college and I expect she does in grad school too. She is incredibly active - parties, concerts, rigors of school, etc. She doesn't have a problem getting to know guys (believe me!) although she is kind of shy and everybody loves her. Nothing has lead to a guy going out with her. She kept saying "I just have to find a really special guy that will accept me and look beyond what I physically can't do..." throughout college whenever we got on the subject. It seems like she has given up on that now. She is such a special person and I know she will do amazing things in the future. She is so depressed and I feel horrible about it. Everyone should experience dating, relationships, sex, etc.

I don't know if this is contributing to her feelings or issues but...she has to have someone with her everywhere she goes. One of her assistants is 25 and very attractive (and married). She has a flirty personality and several of Dana's college friends often commented on how they thought she was hot. I know she didn't mean to get that kind of attention (well, except to feed her personality) but I wonder if that took a lot of attention away from Dana.

I don't know what to tell her. I feel so bad that she is down on herself. Do any of you have any ideas? Please! Anything!

TIA
Jessica

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: skyline69
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:37pm
Is she comforted at all by others who have found love despite of their disabilities? It happens all the time. I just saw a news piece about a woman in your friends situation who fell in love via an online dating site and they eventually married, conceived, and are raising a child together. She's still young, don't you think that she will eventually find what she is looking for?

For a quick pick me up, I once sent flowers, anonymously, to a heartbroken girlfriend. She beamed for weeks on end and I think the mystery just added to her giddiness.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: skyline69
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:49pm

That is really a tough situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2007
In reply to: skyline69
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 11:43am

I don't think she is comforted much by the stories of others. She hasn't had any interest for so long and I think she is almost to the point of accepting that she'll never have a guy in her life. That makes me sad because she deserves a great guy and a great relationship. The flowers idea is interesting...but do you think it will lead her on? Like thinking someone is interested? I'll think about it though.

How would she do that? I think people do have misconceptions about her. That might be exactly what she needs to do. But...how??

As far as men finding her "sexual" - I doubt they do. She has a couple of things about her body that would probably turn guys off but they are relatively minor in my opinion. Other than that, she is your typical college/grad student...jeans, tennis shoes, T-shirts, sweatshirts, etc. Most of her guy friends know she is aware (aware is not the right word) of dating/relationship/sex issues because they come to her for advice sometimes (at least they did in college).

As far as does she let guys know she is interested in dating/sex/etc - no, not directly. We all used to talk about it and she always contributed but she never actually told guys that she was interested in dating. A big issue here is that she has to have someone with her all the time. In order for her to go on a date, someone else would need to be there to help her. In order to have sex, someone would have to help her take her clothes off and lay down...unless the guy was comfortable doing that. There is nothing physically or medically that would prevent her from dating or having sex. I can't imagine having to deal with having someone with me all the time. I mean, she has never even masturbated on her own because she can't. I can't imagine! Not to mention the fact that she just can't go to a guy's apartment because of accessibility issues. She lives with her parents so she can't go home.

She likes a guy she goes to school with. I offered (and have offered in the past) to go with her on a date with him. She just needs someone to be there and not be there - and I think I can do that. I helped her several times in college and it isn't really a big deal. But she won't ask him out because she knows he'll either say no or go out with her as kind of a friends thing. Plus she doesn't want to ruin their friendship. I also think that she believes he would go out with her out of a kind of pity. She hates it when people treat her differently. One professor in college told her how inspiring she was to everyone. She was humiliated. She just wants to be like everybody else.

What do you all think?

Jessica




Edited 1/20/2007 2:24 pm ET by skyline69
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: skyline69
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 12:46pm

Hi,

Let's be honest here. Most of us women would not go out with a guy who was handicapped to that degree, so your friend is right to fear that most men would not be attracted to her in that way.

However, it really isn't hopeless because there are men who, for one reason or another, are willing to consider a woman in a wheelchair with a few physical problems an object of love and lust. She just has to keep looking and make it clear she is available.

A friend of mine who was severely handicapped (polio) did find two men to love her (one of them married her). However, both of the men had "flaws" of their own. Her first lover was schizophrenic. Her second lover, the man she married, had only one arm as a result of a childhood accident. I think that these men were able to see the real beauty of my friend because they themselves did not consider themselves "perfect."

Back to your friend, I would suggest that meeting men online and flirting with them via e-mail would be very good for her. If she relaxes in her relationships with men who can't see her (she doesn't need to lie, she can admit that she's in a wheelchair), she may feel more relaxed in real life and she might begin to project herself as attractive.

Also, you mention that she can't masturbate. Would you be able to help her locate some kind of vibrator that she can use? Some of the tension/depression she is feeling may be connected not just to the prospect of no affective relationships but to the sense that she is being cheated by fate of a fundamental human experience. (Though celibacy doesn't bother a lot of people.)

Lastly, I wonder if your friend could perhaps find a social group of other handicapped people. She might meet a guy through such a group. (Not necessarily another handicapped person, maybe someone who likes to work with the handicapped, or a sibling or good friend of another handicapped person, who would not be so intimidated by her handicaps.)

I know she just wants to be normal. I just want to be thin and young. I am neither, so I look for love and so forth among men who don't mind that I am not.

Just some thoughts.

Elsa