Really Last Question
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| Mon, 01-29-2007 - 11:19pm |
A few days ago I talked about how when I meet some one I am interested in, I would tell myself, "Perhaps I should not bother her," and discourages myself from approaching.
Yesterday I stumbled upon one of Stanley Milgrim's essay in which he discussed how, to protect himself or herself from over-stimulation, a city-dweller carries an unfriendly, impersonal appearance, and disregards what does not deserve his or her attention. Moreover, he mentioned that these norms of non-involvement are so powerful that people are unwilling to break them. As as New Yorker, every day I experience and practice these norms of non-involvement.
The essay made me think that, although I do have rejection-anxieties, perhaps I am less uncomfortable with approaching the woman than with doing it in front of other people. For example, once when we were alone, I told a girl that I had a crush on her with full knowledge that she would turn me down, but at other times, when we were in front of others, it felt so nerve-wrecking to even make small talks.
If it is the case that I am afraid of approaching a woman in front of others, why am I telling myself that she does not want to be bothered? Do you see how I can put those ideas together?

Non-involvement is so common these days. Has it always been like this? Maybe to a certain extent, but with cell phones, ipods, and other similar technology, I see this personal isolation everywhere - it's not contained by urban areas.
Myself, for example, when I go to the gym, I put on my headphones. I may or may not be listening to anything. Usually I am, but at other times I just don't want to be bothered.
I have also heard of women being on a cell phone when out, say, in a coffee shop; sometimes she is talking to someone and sometimes she is just pretending so she is not approached.
I don't live in a high-density urban area, but eye contact, and contact in general, between people even here is rare.
How do you silence that inner voice? I dunno. I guess each circumstance would have to be different and read differently. But if you see a woman wearing headphones, wearing sunglasses or has her nose stuck in a book - my inner voice would probably tell me she doesn't want to be approached either. Maybe our voices would be incorrect, but that's what my gut tells me, because that's how *I* act when I don't want to be bothered.