Writing him off too soon?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Writing him off too soon?
3
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:31am

Okay, I posted this past weekend about being let down with the new guy I had been seeing. Now I'm starting to wonder if I'm trying to write him off too soon!

He's a lot different than the guys I've dated or been with in the past. He needs a decent amount of time to do his own stuff, hobbies & what not. So he's not the type to make plans a week in advance and hang out ALL weekend together. A bit more by the seat of his pants. He doesn't call alot, isn't a big talker, etc etc. I think this is just his personality and that it's something I could accept should we talk and he says he wants to keep dating or whatever. I don't think he's as outwardly affectionate as I'm used to either but I've certainly seen his ability to be passionate.

The big thing that worries me and has caused me all this hesitation is that he's 28 and doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. He's kinda all over the charts. Sometimes he says he doesn't want to live in one place...just drive around constantly working odd jobs and then the next week he wants to have a steady job even if he doesn't like it to earn money and spend time with his wife.

I'm frustrated that I really do like him but I'm just not sure where he stands...is dating for 3 weeks too soon to ask "what are we doing here?". I feel like I need to clarify that with him before we talk about other stuff...

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:07pm
I think I may have responded to your other post, I'm not sure. If this is repetitious, I apologize. I usually "know" by the second or third date. I think it all depends on your time line. Why don't you pick up an extra guy on the side assuming that this relationship is not yet exclusive? Keep looking while you are having fun with guy number one. If you don't jive with the juggling act then I suggest moving on, unless you don't mind wasting a few months or, don't mind the possibility of wasting a few months.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:16pm

Yes, 3 weeks is far too soon to ask what is going on with the two of you.

What you can and should ask early on is, what is he looking for in a relationship, in general, to see if the two of you are on the same page. If you are looking for the same thing (which isn't at all clear that you are), then you would continue to date to see whether you're compatible.

But it sounds like you *aren't* compatible, so I guess I'm not sure why clarifying what you "are" is going to make any difference, even if it weren't way too soon for that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 3:54am

Hello.

Certainly 3 weeks is no time to make any conclusions about a guy. I am sure that your view of him will change dramatically as time goes by. At this point you can do a great favor to yourself: STOP PERCEIVING EVERY RELATIONSHIP AS AN INVESTMENT AND YOU WILL BE MUCH HAPPIER IN ANY INTERACTION.

Lets face it - there is no insurance or collection agency when it comes to dating. Any relationship can go sour and break at any moment - that's just how it works. Thus, instead of looking too far ahead, enjoy your time with the guy and take it as a learning experience. At the same time, if you are not sure that he is the one for you - be open to seeing and spending time with other guys. This will allow you to understand both men and yourself better and come to a more informed conclusion as to who you want and who you don't want.

Thanks,

Arkady Itkin
www.PracticalHappiness.com