How to say 'no'

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
How to say 'no'
16
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 4:28pm

I have been recently admonished by a coworker for accepting dates from all the wrong men - it's her theory that I am just way too nice and end up dating guys who are not right for me because I don't know how to say no.

I think she's right. At a networking thing a couple of weeks ago, a man much older than me asked me if I would ever like to have lunch with him. I was not interested in him at all, but said, "yeah, sure" anyway. In these situations, I always end up weasling out after the fact.

So, in the moment, how do you say "no" politely?

Some of this stems from my old-fashioned mother who told me to accept a date from any guy who offered when I was growing up, because "you just never know." At the time, though, all the guys asking were at least in my remote age range and I was nowhere near wanting to find a mate for life. Now, I'd rather go out with people who have that potential. Attraction is also a good start. So, help me learn how to say 'no' and stick to it. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 10:17pm

Huh? What? Who? I don't understand.


Excuse me..I need to use the ladies' room.


(Weasley, I know, but it works!)


Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:59pm
After they ask, hand them your card and say, "my schedule is really hectic lately but feel free to give me a call or shoot me an email". This way, you don't have to say yes or no. If you're lucky, he'll read between the lines ; )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 11:49am

It's SO HARD to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 2:22pm
Good question :-) I'm the same way in that I am too nice and don't know how to say no either. What I usually said in the past is that I have too much going on in my life to date right now and focusing on other things. Which was not totally a lie because I was busy, but I would have made the time for a person that sparked my interest and seemed right for me. It is a flattering feeling though no matter if you like the person that's asking you out or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 7:43pm
If you do not want to say "I am not interested", you may say, "I already have some one else in mind."
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 9:39pm
You say, "No, that's not at all possible, but thanks for asking" with a regretful smile. You do not owe any stranger an explanation or excuse. You don't even owe that to an acquaintence. The above answer is very polite, yet firm. And it's much better than giving a guy hope, having him call and then weaseling out. Doing that really isn't being very nice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 12:23pm

Believe me, I know it's not very nice to weasle out later, that's why I asked for advice. I just had to do that with the guy in question, and he was very gracious about it and thanked me for my honesty, but I still feel like a schmuck.

I told him I was too busy with work and personal things for a relationship, which is really true right now. Yet, like biochic, if the right guy came along - I would make time.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. I just need to learn how to handle these awkward situations head on and not feel guilty for saying no.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 12:25pm

>> If you do not want to say "I am not interested", you may say, "I already have some one else in mind." <<

LOL (and, ouch). Yeah, I did - his friend who was also there that night.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 4:09pm
Hmm, I did not realize that the other person was that close! Actually, are you asking about what you should say or how you can have to guts to say no? If my impression is right, your problem is a variation of what a guy should say to break the ice with a girl.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 5:10pm

I prefer the woman say "No thank you" PERIOD. I can understand it is hard but I value honesty. Don't you? I work on living my life by the Golden Rule, i.e. do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. I hear women all the time that they want honesty from men and in their relationships. Doesn't it mean in all situations?

Mark

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