Just need to vent a bit

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Just need to vent a bit
8
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 5:58pm

Hey everyone, I hope you don't mind me posting this here. I've been lurking around here for awhile, never really posted regularly, but I guess every now and then things just get built up, and you need to vent!

I've been single now for almost 9 months now. I admit, I am not over the whole thing. Not so much the relationship aspect, but just what exactly happened. I feel 110% that he was not the right one for me, and I was not the right one for him, but the part that I cannot get over is how he acted towards me in the dying month or so of the relationship, and some of the things he did/said during the relationship which should have made me get out of it sooner. I guess I'm fighting with myself on a regular basis, wondering why I didn't leave when I felt that bit of doubt, or why I totally convinced my mind that I was the one with the problem.

At any rate, I know he has someone new now, and I'm so far away from even thinking about wanting to date anybody right now. I just don't have it in me. I'm not jealous of him or her or anything, I just can't understand why he acted the way he did towards me, but never really thought anything of it, you know? He could come off as super duper sweet nice guy, but then be a complete jerk as well. And just some of the things he said....I don't know, I could never be with someone like that for the rest of my life. However, being in the situation I am right now, it's made me miss the times we had together, even if they were miserable. I sometimes wonder if things could be different if I changed, or acted differently, but I know that is not true. I am who I am, and if I didn't like something, or wasn't comfortable with something, that's just the way it is. I remember how horrible it was to try and convince myself I was the one overreacting, so I refuse to do it again.

Anyways, I'm happy now, but I feel very akward. I'm 28, but back in school full time. I am surrounded by people a good 8-10 years younger than me. Don't get me wrong, I have a few good friends in my classes that are that age, but it's such a gap. I'm very serious about my schooling, and I spend the majority of my time focusing my efforts on that. I do have a feeling that me going back to school and being in debt for school had an effect on the last relationship falling apart (I know this because he did make mention on how he did not want my name in association with his because of all the debt I'd accumulate from school) but it is what it is. This is my dream, my goal, my life. I have to do it, and now is the time. I love the education I'm getting, not so much the campus life, but I keep looking to my future a few years down the road, and I'm excited to be there someday, living my dream.

So lately the thing that has been bothering me is that I'm getting a lot of attention from guys who I have absolutely no interest in. I don't want to sound rude, but I think a few of you can relate, at least I hope you can. There was a guy who my friend kind of pushed in my direction to get him off her case, and while he's a nice guy, there's just nothing there, and he's extremely annoying (sorry, I couldn't think of any other way to describe him). The most recent ones are a few guys at school, one in particular, who is just starting to annoy me to no end. Like, I don't want to be mean, or sound like a terrible person, but in spite of me trying to sort everything out from the last relationship, and not wanting to get into a new relationshp, plus having my attention focused on school, it is just starting to frustrate me! There's absolutely no physical or emotional attraction, I can't explain it.

Anyways, that's my vent. I'm sorry, I just had to get it out! I would really appreciate any words of advice. Basically, I love life right now, and I'm happy and comfortable being me and doing the things I love, it's just that there are a few obstacles or bumps in the road I'm trying to overcome.

Autumngirly




Edited 2/3/2007 6:07 pm ET by autumngirly
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 9:22pm
I've been single for over two years, you'll get into the groove. The thing that helps me a lot is planning ahead for weekends and such. It kinda sucks a little to be sitting at home alone on the weekends and whatnot. Plan, plan, plan. Good luck! Hope this helped a little!
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 7:09am

Hi Autumn,

Let's see:

1. You're in school right now, really into it and excited about your future
2. You got out of a relationship that was unfulfilling
3. You're taking time out to sort through your feelings before becoming involved again

I'd say you're one of the healthiest women on these boards! I say whatever you're doing keep doing it.

It has been my observation that men get involved again more quickly than women. I think men tend to be less introspective about their relatioinships and use the new one to distract them fom thinking about it. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Just because he's involved with someone new doesn't mean it's a good relationship or that it is any reflection on you. And having a full life and being happy is very attractive: you just can't help but attract men when you're happy.

As to the annoying men...send them my way! (LOL). Seriously, you really could just say to them that you are focusing on school right now and that you aren't ready to get into a new relationship. Most men will get it, but then there are some who will see this as a great challenge. I know you want to be kind, but sometimes you just have to be a little more direct.

Hey, keep up the good work. Gloria Steinem would be very proud of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 8:18am
Hi waving hands, 5 years here. LOL

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 9:54am

Thank you all! That's just what I needed. After I got dumped by my ex, I couldn't imagine how my life would be without him. Not that I was happy, but it's just routine, you know? Now, when I'm doing "my things", such as studying whenever I want, wherever I want, or just picking up and going shopping for the day, I can't imagine having him in the background, calling me saying we are going to his parents for supper, or just spring little things up on me so my plans would be squashed. Independance is kind of fun!

Anyways, thanks again. I'll be sticking around :)

Autumngirly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 5:24pm

I'm in the exact same boat as you! Been single for just over a year after a really difficult break-up. Honestly, my mind is still a little screwed up over everything, but slowly things are picking up for me.

I'm also in school full time and its currently everything to me. I've realized that I can't rely on others to really be there for me, so I'm making sure to take care of myself and build an awesome career. I'm finishing my degree in April and have the most important interviews of my life coming up, so I've decided that I don't necessarily want to be "looking" to date people at the moment. Went out with a couple of guys and they just ended up jerking me around, which I really *don't* have time for. So I'm looking out for #1 right now :) Sure, I get lonely sometimes and can't help but remember the good times with my ex, but he's gone, I need to move on and make good things happen for myself.

But yeah, its really great just being able to pick up and do whatever you want, whenever you want! No need to build your schedule around someone else and their crazy family, haha. I've also had guys approach me that I"m not interested in, and I actually feel guilty about turning them down sometimes. But if the chemistry just isn't there, brush them off in a nice way.

Good luck with everything and lets make the best of the single life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 2:56am

I was single for 7 (count 'em - 7!) years before I got into my present relationship 3 years ago. It took that time for me to:



  • get over the ex and realize that he was a player with a capital P;

  • figure out what I wanted from my life and GO FOR IT (this involved moving 1/2 across the country for 3 years);

  • learning how to be comfortable in my own skin and take care of ME because nobody else

summer 2010 sig by Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 2:51pm
I think you should count your lucky stars that this guy is out of your life. If he couldn't support your decision to better yourself and follow your dream and be happy for you, regardless of the debt (which we all have while going to school) then you should have given him the boot before he did to you. Sounds a bit too self-centered to be boyfriend material. I think you are on the right pathway and doing great. You deserve someone that is going to support you every step of the way and in not being with this guy you are opening yourself up to that possibility. It takes a little while to find that in a lot of cases and the chemistry thing is complicated and doesn't come very often (at least for me), but in the mean time focus on your goals, friends and all the positive things you have in your life. Good luck to you with school and everything.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 3:05pm
Ha, Ha, I'm well on my way to catching up with you ; )