Can't Believe It

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Can't Believe It
6
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:58am

Yesterday I had a fight with my mom. I was telling her of the thing she did which harmed me. I was not accusing her of bad intention because I know that she was trying her best, but I would like her to take some responsibility so I can have closure and move on.

For example, central to my rejection anxiety was the fact that I never learned how to deal with failure. In grade school, I was a model student and must have stellar grades, not just decent. So in fourth grade, when my grades slipped and my ranking in the class went from number one to about the twenties, I was sent to a tutor who, in my opinion, was a witch. When I became older, my mother explained that I was sent to a tutor because she could no longer take care of my school work and that it was not a punishment. Now, I accept the explanation, but is it surprising that at fourth grade -- at 10 years old -- I assumed it to be a punishment? Once, I boasted in front of my relatives that my standards are really high and any grade under 90 is unacceptable. Whenever I think of the boasting, I feel disgusted. I never really learned how to deal with failures, and do you see that while it improved my grades, the tutoring experience did much damage to my emotional growth?

My youth was filled with poisons like this, and I wanted to talk to my mother about these things. Yesterday I wanted to talk to her about the tutoring experiece and have her understand that she made a mistake, but she made up her mind to have none of it. Perhaps I should have lower my tone, but I stand by my words. Before I can take care of others' feelings, I need to take care of my own.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 12:12pm

I think you need to go to the library and check out some books on perfectionism.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 1:08pm

FWIW:

I am both a mother and a daughter. I've been where you are, and I am now where your mother is. So please understand that what I have to say comes from a lot of thought and is not said without empathy.

You have the right to be angry at mistakes your mother made that have hurt you. You may even have the right to tell her how she screwed up. But you do not have the right to blame her for being hurt and angry when you tell her.

You say that this is not the time in your life for you to be sensitive to her feelings. Fine. But why should she be sensitive to yours then? Why are you asking from your mother something that you will not give to her?

I understand and respect your need to communicate to your mother "the thing she did which harmed" you. I understand your need to have her "take some responsibility." But I feel that you are asking too much. (Even though I gave it to my daughter, I do not feel she was entitled to it.) What you are really asking is that your mother validate your reading of your life story at the expense of her reading of her own life story. That's a lot to ask.

Yeah, your mom hurt you. And someday you may hurt your daughter. And maybe you will be like me and admit it, or maybe you will be like your mother (and mine) and deny it. So what? In the end, all of us do our best. And all of us have the right to be angry when we are told that we screwed up on something important to us.

We mothers and daughters need to have compassion for each other. Don't ask of your mother what you cannot offer her.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 1:35pm

I can see where the hurt comes from but I do agree with the post from Elarisa.

I am not a parent, but I'm someone's child of course. My parents did a lot of dumb things with me as well, as does any parent. But parents are just people and, most of the time, they do the best they can with what they have and what they know. I can see WHY they did the things they did and why they did them. They didn't know any better! Children are not born with instruction manuals!

So, yeah, I can see why your mom was pretty mad. You have the right to be upset, but at some point you really have got to let go of it and get on with your life. You yourself said you NOW realize that the tutor thing was supposed to help, but you're still operating under that 10-year-old's view and emotional hurt. Why are you carrying that around?

People (and that includes parents) all make mistakes and they all do dumb things with their kids. Some worse than others. There are SOME mistakes that can't be forgiven, but this does not sound like one of them to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:48pm
My grandmother treated my mother like crap, and sometimes still does. (Because of that, I resent my grandmother a lot.) Although I do not know the details, I always have a feeling that they play a big part in how my mother has treated me or why she married my father for whom I have little respect .... Perhaps you are right that I am asking her to acknowledge my interpretation of my life at the expense of her interpretation of her life, and that I was too naive to think that since we are talking about my life, my mother has to listen. I never expected that she would refuse to listen to me to spare herself the pain. I guess that she is not as strong as I thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:57pm

"You yourself said you NOW realize that the tutor thing was supposed to help, but you're still operating under that 10-year-old's view and emotional hurt. Why are you carrying that around?"

I never realized how much the tutoring experience hurt me as this is the first time that I saw how it contributed to my perfectionism and my approach/rejection anxiety. Moreover, I am not one who brushes aside hurtful experiences, and I thought that my mother's acknowledgement can be helpful. However, if she is not willing to give it, I have to find closure in some other way. I do not know if I should apologize to my mother, but I will not talk to her again about these things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 11:25pm

RE: <>

One of the things that we discover as we grow up is that our parents aren't as strong as we thought. It's partly because, as we become stronger ourselves, they seem weaker by comparison.

I know where you are coming from. Once upon a time, I had to tell my mom a few truths too. It didn't change her view of anything, but I got it out of my system. In time I understood why she hadn't been able to give me the validation that I craved. How could she agree to a definition of our lives in which, by her standards, she had failed?

I've tried to use that insight in dealing with my own daughter, but I'll tell you, it is very hard. I have my own emotional investment in this. I wanted her to validate me, just as much as she wanted me to validate her.

You say that you thought that "since we are talking about my life, my mother has to listen." But the problem is that it wasn't just your life; it was hers also.

It's a real shame that you and your mom can't talk about this. But it sounds as if she isn't in a good place to respect your insights into the mistakes she made. You seem to have a choice of confronting her and making her angry or keeping quiet. I think you should do what you think will meet your needs best.

Hang in there.

Elsa

P.S. Edited to add that I don't think you need to apologize to your mother. If you decide not to touch on the subject again, that will be sufficient respect for her needs. You really are stronger than you think. And you will be fine.




Edited 2/4/2007 11:28 pm ET by elarisa