Help! I Think I Want More
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| Mon, 02-05-2007 - 5:46pm |
My friend (guy) and I have recently started a friends with benefits type relationship. We have both made it very clear that we are NOT dating and we are totally fine with the other seeing other people. This point has been emphasized over and over again. We haven't know each other terribly long, but we are pretty close considering (I think that he is probably my closest friend in town and I'm his). Surprisingly, our friendship is really foremost, with the benefit side of it being secondary.
Not surprisingly, however, is that I am starting to develop real feelings for my friend. I am willing to take it slow (as he has said numerous times that he is not in a place to have a girlfriend as he is currently between homes and jobs -- he just moved to the area), but I think ultimately I would like to actually date him. Is there a way to broach this subject without ruining our friendship? Has anyone ever heard of Friends with Benefits situation that has actually developed into a real relationship?

Thanks for the info. I am usually a very unemotional person, so it kind of took me by surprise that I was interested at all in dating him. But yeah, it does seem like he has too much on his plate right now to actually date someone seriously.
I'm really worried about having the conversation, as I can't see a lot of positive things coming out of it. Do you think it will be possible to stay friends even after everything sexual ends?
If you decide to cut the sex out, here are a few things to seriously consider and ask yourself before you jump back into the friendship thinking that you can handle being just friends. I have been on both sides of a FWB relationship, so maybe you can benefit from my experiences.
I can tell you from personal experience that there are only few things in life that are more torturous than being in the company of someone you want to be with but can’t, and watch him flirt and date other women. You need to ask yourself honestly whether this is something you want to impose upon yourself for the sake of this “friendship”. What’s more important to you? You own sanity and well-being, or this friendship? In my own experience, it was an ex-boyfriend who I continued to be friends with and slept with after our breakup, thinking I could handle it, or even make him change his mind about our breakup. I drove myself crazy with analyzing everything he said and did in hopes of any sign of him wanting to reverse our breakup. When I found out he started dating other people and saw him with my own eyes with another girl, I can tell you, that feeling was 10x worse than I felt when we initially broke up. You need to ask yourself if you can handle not analyzing everything like a crazy person in hopes of any sign of him changing his mind, and worse, seeing him with another girl when you go back to just being friends. You need to think about whether the pain is worth your need to hold on to him and the friendship.
If you decide to continue the friendship nevertheless, you need to keep yourself in check with sarcastic and mean comments. I can assure you there will be moments when you feel like sticking it to him with nasty comments here and there to make him feel guilty or rethink about his decision to date you. The comments will poison the friendship and drive him away. I was on the receiving end of sarcastic and mean comments when I entered into a FWB relationship to get over the aforesaid ex-boyfriend. He had feelings for me, but I was in no shape to be in a real relationship. I was still too raw and hurt from the breakup with the ex. We were friends first and we both made it clear that it was nothing more. I made it clear to him more than once that I can’t date him or anybody else for that matter because I am not in a position to, but I wouldn’t mind his company and the occasional benefits. At first he was happy with the arrangement, but eventually, I would get comments like, maybe I should get plastic surgery to look exactly like your ex so you would date me cuz apparently he is the only one good enough for you. I know that he made those comments out of hurt and resentment, but you can imagine how long I stuck around after that, and no, our friendship did not survive.
If I were you, I would cut out the benefits and chill the friendship for a while, so that it will give you the time and space to heal and get over your feelings for him. That way, you won’t have to endure any unnecessary pain, and possibly destroy the friendship. When and if you get over him completely and resume the friendship, you would be in a better place, and who knows? Maybe he would be in a better place by then and ready to date. Maybe he has moved on already. Maybe you have moved on. But that’s life. He is not the only fish in the sea. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. But first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself and do what’s best for you.
I have a slightly different take on this than the others, if I read correctly, that is ; )
I don't think you should tell him how you feel. I think you should slowly end the physical relationship, make up excuses if you must; "I'm so busy". The reason I think that you should keep the crush to yourself is, one, he may already be suspect and two, if he had the same feelings for you, he would find subtle ways of letting your know, if not coming right out and expressing himself.
If it were me, I'd rather maintain as normal a friendship as possible being that I have been intimate with this person without complicating things more by divulging my romantic feelings. You know? You've already got one strike against you (you both have) so why add to that? Ask yourself this: are you telling him how you feel because you are hoping he feels the same or in order to rid yourself of this secret? If your answer is you are hoping he confesses his adoration for you, I just wouldn't do it. If he were interested in you, he would be dating you.
Now, if you don't care whether you can maintain the friendship, go ahead and tell him, but it seemed to me that you would like to keep him around ; ) Good luck with whatever you decide.