Casual hookups

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Casual hookups
35
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 3:28pm

Some of the members on this board are concerned that I'm trying to "manipulate" girls into sleeping with me, which completely baffles me. How is it anymore "manipulative" than a girl putting on some make up, doing her hair and a revealing outfit to snag a guy? How is any more "manipulative" than all the articles in Cosmo and Seventeen and so forth that say "10 Secrets to Keep Your Man on His Toes" or "The Benefits of Playing Hard to Get"? You ladies are constantly studying secrets and techniques to get what you want out of guys, so why is it wrong for me to try and learn secrets and techniques on getting what I want out of girls?

If you're concerned that I want to be the type of guy who tells a girl he loves her then sleeps with 1 or 2 other girls behind or back, or the type of guy who lies about himself to sleep with her, I'm not. I don't want to be that type of guy, because those types of guys hurt me too, not be cheating or lying to me, but by taking all the girls I want interested in growing up. Even though I was the one putting any real "relationship" work by taking the girl out, getting to know her, providing emotional support and validation when she needed it, it was those guys who reaped all the sexual benefits, and it made me unbelievably frustrated, jealous and bitter.

I don't want to be those types of guys, but at the same time, I don't want to be the guy girls never touch yet still come to just to spill their problems to and get validation from. I don't see why that is wrong.

Eitherway, if it still concerns you that I'm trying to "manipulate" girls, then maybe you can help me get what I want without "manipulation." How do you find girls who're interested in purely casual, no-strings-attached sex? How do you get girls who may not be interested at first interested in casually hooking up? I've tried going to clubs and parties but I haven't found any success anywhere.

I really appreciate the advice some of you have given me here, but at the same time, I'm a little bit frustrated that most of that advice is geared towards building "meaningful" and "successful relationships." Why should I have to put all the time, work in effort into building a serious relationship when there are guys hooking up with girls they just met 2 hours before at the local party house off campus every Thursday night?

So basically, all I'm asking is what does it take to casually hookup? And if some of the women here ever had casual sex when they were younger, what did the guy do or say to get them interested?




Edited 2/9/2007 3:45 pm ET by redonculous

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 4:03pm
Okay,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 5:15pm

I'm not going to mince words but half the battle is being very attractive, whether it's having a attention grabbing personality, great looks, or a good guitar player. Second, you have to be a great flirt, Stacey explained part of that already, and that takes a lot of practice. Chemistry is key, once you have it with a girl you'll know it. Also, you must know what kind of girl you are trying to attract, so if you can't dance, I wouldn't suggest you go to a club to find a hookup. God has a sense of humor and gave women this power, but also has a good sense of humor when man invented alcohol.

Tom

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 6:07pm

It has to be a mutual agreement. If you feel that the girl needs persuasion then I would suggest moving on to the next. If you meet a girl who is open to such you will know it, trust.

P.S. Never use a guise, we can smell those coming a mile away.




Edited 2/9/2007 11:26 pm ET by cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 6:41pm

<>

This is true. Biologically, women, and female animals in general, have been selected for choosiness because of their inherently lower maximum lifetime reproductive potential and higher cost of reproduction. Sperm is very cheap and males experience very little cost by being promiscuous. However, our female ancesters were selected because they were very choosy about when they reproduced in order to maximize their reproductive potential. Therefore, women tend to be more inately choosy about sexual partners than men. This is illustrated by a recent study that found that most women had higher standards for a one night stand parnter than for a marriage partner. Men, of course, had the reverse results. This reflects the fact that a relationship commitment will reduce a man's reproductive potential because he can only reproduce as fast as his partner (assuming he is not cheating with is a pretty big assumption). The advantage is that the man will ideally be able to supplement his lost reproductive oportunities by helping to raise his children thereby increasing their success (and his total reproductive potential). This is a risk and sacrifice in evolutionary terms which is why men are selected to make serious commitments only when the conditions and their partner is very favourable relative to his ability to reproduce without said commitment. Obviously the above statements are generalizations that don't hold true in all cases. Still, I think that it helps explain most of the observed differences between men and women.

The take home message is that in order to hook up a lot you have to be very attractive both physically and at least superficially socially attractive. For most of us guys, the plethora of willing women beating down our doors will never arrive, and no amount of lines, techniques, and tricks will change that. Just be thankful that you are not an elephant seal. Most of those males will never mate. Those that do, get that opportunity by brutal combat and they keep that opportunity by vicously attacking rivals constantly. They spend more time fighting than fornicating. Many males die during these fights without ever getting a chance at a female. The females never get a lasting relationship and many of the pups get crushed to death during the struggles. Or you could be a large mouth bass who is abandoned by the female while he fertilizes the eggs and is left to care for the whole mass of hundreds of bratty fry by himself (I cannot say for sure that they are bratty, but I suspect it is so). Even worse, you could be a male angler fish. The male is tiny and swims up to the female (who is round and ugly) and then latches on. His tissue is incorperated into her body so that he becomes nothing more than a set of gonads and a sperm shooting appendage. Even worse than that, are Banana slugs that start off as simultaneous hermaphrodites untill a partner gnaws of their penis during mating rendering them functionally female.

See it could be worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 8:47pm

WOW...I'm impressed. I'm a biologist and a chemist and I never heard that about the angler fish or the banana slug. The ultimate worst is a praying mantis or black widow spider where the male mates then becomes lunch. Makes me fortunate that I have 2 arms, 2 legs, and a highly developed brain instead of a walking sperm assembly line.

But to redonculous, the other suggestion is join a fraternity or get some friends that engage in this behavior. But watch these guys because I have come across many of these types of people and they just suck as friends, roommates, and people in general.

Lastly the irony in this whole thread is that most of the women and me included here are giving advice on how to promote a behavior that we're trying to avoid in our lives. Just an observation, no offense intended

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 11:45pm

Yeah, not to mention the male fig wasp, mantis, and black widow ; ) I mean, the fig wasp doesn't get eaten like the other two, but his one an only purpose in his short life is to cater to the female fig wasp and her brood. As soon as he is subjected to sunlight, he dies.

I wonder if any male insects eat it's counterpart?

I had heard about the elephant seal, but not the banana slug. Ouch!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 12:41am

"P.S. Never use a guise, we can smell those coming a mile away."


cfk_3 - You forgot to mention bathing!


Guys, if we can smell you coming a mile away with your guise AND your funk, then just don't bother.



Pooh1972


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Edited 2/10/2007 12:42 am ET by pooh1972

summer 2010 sig by Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:35pm

In response to cl-countrygrlupnorth and tst07

>>>flirt, see if there's chemistry<<<

>>>Second, you have to be a great flirt<<<

I’ve asked this a million times before but no one is answered. How do you flirt? I really don’t know how. All I know are how to say things like “what’s your name? what’s your major? I like your hair by the way.” Things that indicate I’m interested but I’m just talking normally. How do you flirt? What are some “flirty” things you can say? How do I create that chemistry?

In response to tst07

>>>half the battle is being very attractive, whether it's having a attention grabbing personality<<<

So how do I develop that attention grabbing personality? I’ve asked several times how I can mold my personality into one that’s attractive to girls, but all I keep getting is “be yourself.”

In response to cfk_3

>>>P.S. Never use a guise, we can smell those coming a mile away.<<<

Then why do so many girls end up being cheated on and lied to?

In response to phatgenes

>>>The take home message is that in order to hook up a lot you have to be very attractive both physically and at least superficially socially attractive.<<<

So how do I develop that strong “superficial” social base? I only have a few friends in college and they aren’t the most popular or socially fluent guys. Most are on the same boat as me in the dating game.

In response to feisty01

>>>Yes, but given that, you're still happy to give advice instead of standing up for your beliefs and morals or better still, ignoring the post altogether. What do you think that says about you and others posting on this topic? I'm really disappointed at the low depths that this board has reached lately. It's getting redoncolous, sorry ridiculous.<<<

WHAT IS IMMORAL ABOUT WHAT I’M DOING? WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS THAT OFFENDS YOUR BELIEFS?

You still haven’t answered my questions. How is this any more manipulative than all the things YOU do as a woman to get what you want out of men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 12:03am

I chose to respond to this post for the same reason I go out and vote, even though I might not like any of the candidates. Even if you look though the actual content, it can also be kind of a sociological observation (I like to people watch). After all, it's the Single Life and some people like to hook-up when they're single (There are several boards for people who hook up in marriage too) instead of looking for an emotional investment. Everybody is different.

If I choose to respond to a post....any post, I have the freedom to do as I choose within the rules of the board. One of my mottos is "whatever floats your boat but doesn't rock mine." It is my *moral* that *I* might not wanna hook up but it is not my *belief* that everybody else should either. I don't impose my morals on other people. This is why the middle east has been a god awful mess for thousands of years. And if you look at TV lately there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of people who are willing to ignore their morals for personal gain.

What direction would you steer this board if you were the CL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 12:12am

Redonculous

We could try to explain this for months. It's like you asking me how to play the guitar so you can play too. I could explain to you all day about key, major, minor, and barre chords, arpeggio, harmonics, sounds engineering to change the way the notes come out, but you will never learn unless you do it yourself.

Tom

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