need some help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
need some help
5
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 4:05pm
ok so i need some advice.. Do you think it is really wrong of me to contact and maybe meet up with a man who has big history with one of my best friends? she is with someone else and says shes not interesed but what if i dont tell her i am either and she really wouldnt like it if i was? they met at college but have not been together since he moved to another State. just been a sort of history and strong feelings- seeing each other occasionally 3/4 times a year. please comment... (note: i did not initiate the contacting, he did.)
Thank you, LATAIAXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: lataia2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 4:50pm

In most situations, with most women: Yes.


Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: lataia2006
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 1:51pm
It would be different if these two had one or two casual dates years ago but as you indicated, there are still feelings there and not only that, but they continue to see each other a few times per year. I would definitely not go there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
In reply to: lataia2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 3:49am

Hey, Lataia.

I don't think there is any problem in you going after the guy. Your friend is not with him, and last time I checked - nobody owns anybody in our day and age. Unless she still really cares about him, which she apparently doesn't, he is free to see who he wants and so are you. Even if she gets mad at it, I don't see how you can feel guilty about it.
To show extra courtesy and consideration however, you might want to simply inform your girlfriend of your intentions to make a move.

Thanks.

Arkady Itkin
www.PracticalHappiness.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2006
In reply to: lataia2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 5:07am
Thank you. im glad at least someone has come back with a different more positive view! i think i will follow your lead and meet up with him. i never just go for things and this could be exciting! its true that she SAYS she doesnt care but i know that she is just saying that to me because she suspects something. But about informing her.. i know that that is the right thing to do and by not doing it, there could be major consequences. BUT, i am worried and dont think i could because she would flip outt. At least if we both keep it quiet i can asses what i want and how i feel, right?! i know full well that this is the wrong thing to do but i feel if i want to see him it is my only option if i want to keep my friendship alive right now as well. When i wrote this original post, our friendship was good and fine. It still is, but i felt that it would be a big betrayal on my part. In recent weeks however, we havnt been speaking as much (me and my girlfriend)and ive felt betrayed (only in a very small way compared) by her on one occasion. Although this should not make any difference to my actions, because i am always thinking about my situation, our relationship is effecting my attitude to going ahead. Right, anyway, i think i need to stop all this talking and thinking and just do it!
thanks again,
Layxxxxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
In reply to: lataia2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 3:14am

Good deal, Lay. You put it well. Sometimes thinking and analyzing too much is an obstacle to what we want and should have. Focus on enjoying the process and don't worry about the ego thing. Regardless of the outcome of your actions, it will be an interesting experience.

Thanks,

Arkady Itkin
Unique, practical, proven to be effective dating and relationships advice at
www.PracticalHappiness.com