Not obsessing over not meeting Mr. Right

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2007
Not obsessing over not meeting Mr. Right
6
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 12:58am
I always hear people saying you will meet him when you are not looking. I just broke up with someome and it's not that I think I made the wrong decision but I am back to being single and I'm remembering everything I didn't like about it and overall just having a tough time coping. I hate to admit it but even if you're in a wrong relationship (I don't mean abusive or anything like that, but rather with a guy that's not right for you), you still are with someone, it is to a degree satisfying, it fills some kind of a hole. At least for me it does. It's like boyfriends fill some kind of a void for me, they are usually my best friends, someone I feel very comfortable with and maybe that's why I end up feeling so cracked when a relationship ends. Does anyone experience something similar? And I am not normally this clingy and pathetic. I am a very independent person but somehow I get so used to being with someone, caring about the other person, I miss the emotional intimacy even when I don't want to be with them.
Does any of this make sense to anyone?
Is it unusual to break up with someone and not be happy about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 10:10am

I think that it is natural to miss the emotional intimacy of being in a relationship. But I also think that is is unhealthy to be in a relationship with someone you know is not right for you because you'd rather do that than be alone.

Even a great relationship has problems at times just like being single is problematic at times. It's never going to be perfect. But being with someone that is not a good match for you means that you are missing out on the good parts of being single as well as the chance to meet someone with whom you are compatible.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 1:14pm

Hi pretty,

I'm sorry you're going through a bad time. And yes, I can relate to all of your feelings.

Have you ever noticed what a contradiction it is when some people say you have to get out there and find a man and others says "You'll only meet him when you stop looking"? Have you ever noticed how men aren't made to feel incomplete when they don't have a woman in their lives?

First of all, if you've just broken up with someone, even if it wasn't right, you're still going to have to grieve and process. So be sure to give yourself time to do that. Then I think it's very useful to look at how you ended up with someone not suitable for you in the first place. I think much can be learned from that (I am speaking from experience).

I think it's totally normal and healthy to want a relationship in your life. But I think women need to feel good about themselves even when they're without a partner. You can live a life of dignity and meaning, even if what you want is a wonderful realtionship eventually. Becoming too fixated on having a relationship leads some women to unstaisfying realtionships. I say hold out for a good one.

And finally, a fantastic book you may really enjoy right now is "With or Without a Man" by Karen Gail Lewis. You can get it on Amazon.com.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 6:56pm

No, it's not unusual and I understand. Change is always difficult, even if it is a change for the better. For me, I do have a period of feeling loss after a relationship ends, but eventually get used to my "new normal" without having a guy around.

I think once you get used to the "new normal," you have a chance to think more about who you would really like to share your space and time with. It gives you some perspective to break up with someone, miss him or miss having *someone*, and then think about what if that *someone* were the *right someone* and how much better would that be?

Does that make sense at all? It does in my head, but not sure if it's coming across in words. In short, I understand, and time to heal is what makes the difference. Hang in there!

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 6:57pm

Off topic:

Welcome back, Jules! :) I hope everything is going well for you and your family.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 7:13pm

TGC!!!!!!!!

How have you been?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 12:48am

I completely relate to your feeling. IT takes a incredible number of compatibilities to make a RS work. So even when you don't have a whole lot in common, you can still have something in common to keep you in the RS for an amt of time. So you bond over the course of time b/c of the few things you have in common and loss of such a RS can leave a big emotional void. The good news is it won't take you as long to get over as you would have had he been close to the man of your dream. In fact you probably feel a sense of liberation from not being trapped in a dead-end RS. YOu will also not want to date for a while while enjoying your new found freedom.

I remembered when I broke up with my first bf who was completely wrong for me. He was nice but we didn't see eye to eye on many things. I knew it was the right thing to do but I still felt sad from not having his friendship. BUt I soon got over it and until this day has not regret a thing about that breakup. At this time it would be best to get support from friends, go away for a vacation if you can, do nice things for yourself. I was glad i had people to do things with and places to go after I had that breakup, it helped me.