Why is it so difficult??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Why is it so difficult??
3
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 2:01am

Hi, I'm coming out lurkdom to post this question. Why does dating have to be so difficult? I'm seriously about to go nuts with all of this. There is so much give and pull, like a tug-of-war rope going back and forth and it is so aggravating.

I've been dating this guy for a few weeks. He's amazing. He's charming and funny, but he doesn't seem to get that I like him. It's like he's expecting me to bolt. Yet, I'm worried that I'm reading the signals wrong and maybe he doesn't like me, so I'm afraid to do anything to reassure him that I do like him, for fear that this isn't what he really wants. Yet, he wouldn't continue asking me out, right?

A few nights ago we went to dinner with his friends and I'm afraid I blew it big time. I have social anxiety disorder, but you'd never know it if you met me (LOTS of therapy). However, certain situations trigger an internal shutdown, such as eating dinner with the new guy I'm seeing (who hasn't even kissed me yet) along with eight other people who I've never met. I did not have a panic attack (woohoo!) but I did stay very quiet and any attempt I made at conversation was lame. He kept asking me if I was having a good time and I assured him that I was, but I knew he wasn't buying it. The thing is, I like his friends. I thought they were great, and the social anxiety thing aside, I'm just a quiet person.

Anyway, when he walked me to my doorstep he gave me a friendly hug with a pat on the back! I felt like his little sister.

Can I recover from this? I want to email or text him "thinking of you" or something like that to make sure he knows that I want to be with him, but what if he has already decided that I'm too socially inept for him (he's very outgoing socially)? Should I explain my social anxiety? Should I reassure him that once I get to know his friends I'll be fine?

I don't want to sit back and wait for him to make a move, because what if he's just not sure about my feelings and he's waiting on me? On the other hand, I don't want to bug him if he wants no part of me.

Ugh I hate dating :P

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 12:40pm

I suffer from social anxiety as well. If it were me I would keep it as, "I'm shy". I have found that some people are uncomfortable with labels. I don't think that you should be ashamed of it, nor am I, but some people just aren't sure what to do with certain information especially, early on in a relationship.

This is a bit of a personal question but has he kissed you at all in the weeks that you've been dating? I think you are correct in that, if he wasn't interested at all, I don't think that he would continue asking you out.

You know what you could do? Why don't you plan a meal at your residence with only one or two of his friends. This way, it would be a smaller group and it would be in the comfort of your own surroundings. Perhaps you could read up on some interesting topics to discuss over dinner before your guests arrive. This helps me with my own anxiety. Also, you could plan a game to play after dinner or, do something which involves everyone such as, chocolate fondue and fruit. Would you feel comfortable taking something like this on? Let me know if you need some recipes : ) I have many simple yet sophisticated ones!

Cooking dinner for him (whether you include any of his friends or not) would show him that you care and I would guess that it would also make him feel special : )

One more tip, if you decide you want to do this . . . being prepared and planning out the evening carefully will leave you feeling less stressed. Have as much done as possible before they arrive and most importantly make sure that you are ready, house is ready, etc. well in advance. Have some jazz or music of your choice, playing in the background. Maybe light a few candles. Also invite a friend of yours to come and ask him or her to come early so they can help : )

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:11pm

All I can say is that I'd be really bored with a guy who I'd been dating for weeks that hadn't kissed me yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 12:29am
I concur that he likes you. When a guy continues to ask you out, it's a definate thumbs up that he likes you. Unlike some of us women who continue to go out with men we're unsure about, men make no bones about dissing chicks they don't dig. So, why he hasn't kissed? Maybe he thinks you're really shy and don't want to be to fast (I know kissing after a few dates isn't fast) but when a man really likes someone or he really doesn't want to mess things up he would be extra cautious. I know b/c I went out w a guy like that. I didn't know he was really into me but he kept asking me out. YOu could try looking at your guy as if expecting a kiss or plan a intimate dinner for just the two of you and see how he reacts. When you talk to him, try to complement him or smile alot..you know just flirts with him to encourage him to go the next step. You have it easier now that you're dating at least you know he's interested. I have hope for you.