I want to date - what's wrong with that

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
I want to date - what's wrong with that
8
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 11:10am

I have been in an on and off tumultuous relationship with a man for the past year and half. We love and care for each other very much, unfortunately, we got involved as the result of an affair when I was married to my now ex-husband (big mistake, I know). I had been married most of my adult life and find myself regretting the fact that I've never experienced the single life (I am 43). I want to try online dating. Not to meet my "soul mate" or even get involved in another relationship, but just to experience dating, meeting new people, and having a good time being single and independent.

I've been trying to end the relationship with my boyfriend for quite some time so I could have some freedom to do this. I really feel like this is something I need to do before I even think about settling down and potentially marrying again. He thinks I'm crazy for wanting to be single and date. He points out that all the single girls are trying to find marriage minded men who love them like he loves me.

He doesn’t give up easily and he’s causing me to doubt myself. What do you singles think? Am I crazy for being so obsessed with online dating and dating in general? Is there something wrong with me for giving up a “good” man to be independent and free? We do have a lot of issues, but I think they could be worked out if only my heart was totally in it. Is there a way to convince myself that there’s nothing better out there without actually experiencing it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 11:38am

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to date after having been in a long-term relationship or a marriage. In fact, I think it's healthy. It gives you time to grieve, process and recover from the past relationship. It also allows you to meet new people and get an idea of what you're really looking for in a potential parter.

(One caveat -- you said you are "obsessed" with dating and online dating. I can see wanting to enjoy meeting new men, but dating and online dating CAN be challenging and not always fun. I think going in with some realistic expectations is a good idea, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it along the way).

If you are feeling this way while dating someone, to me that might be a sign that you know he's not the right one anyway. Personally, I wouldn't stay in a relationship just because he happens to be into you. You said he loves you. Do you love him?

In the end, I say go with your gut.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 12:04pm
I think that if this is something that you want to experience and you do not, you will always wonder "what if". I would explain to this boyfriend that this is more about you and does not reflect on him. Sit him down and explain to him why it is so important to you. I do not see anything wrong with how you are feeling at all. I think it's quite healthy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 12:10pm

If you were happy in this relationship, you wouldn't feel the need to be free and date others.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:24pm

I was watching What Not To Wear once, and the woman said she needed new clothes because she'd just signed up for online dating and she'd soon be getting lots of dates.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 12:15pm

Good point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 7:10pm

I'm enjoying the single life right now! I don't think that there is anything wrong with wanting to try the dating thing. It gives you time to reflect about your own wants and needs. You should not feel guilty about that. You should be able to enjoy it! The other posters gave really good advice though so keep their concerns and advice in mind. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 10:52am
Well, I actually got out there and tried the online thing. I posted a profile last Thursday and got close to 40 responses within a couple of days. I got a lot of compliments on the quality of my profile, so I guess that's why I got such a good response. I would say about half were worth replying to, but I only wrote to four of the most promising prospects. It was great fun while it lasted, however, it was very short-lived because by Sunday the boyfriend had convinced me 'again' to get back together. I've since hidden my profile, but I'm not feeling very good about it. I should have stayed strong and remembered the good advice from you guys. It's probably just a matter of time before I break up with him again.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 6:10pm

I think you