Asking her out

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Asking her out
9
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 6:36pm
I'm a guy. Let's get that out of the way. I've been known to post here seeking female advice on various subjects, and this post is no different. I'm 23 and single. I go to graduate school at nights and have developed a crush on a fellow student. We've chatted some after classes and I am beginning to really like her. She's beautiful, smart, and very nice. I'm just not sure how to tackle this whole thing. I've heard many different people's advice: Just ask her out, wait a while till you get to know her better etc. But I just don't know what to do. Usually after class gets out we walk out together. It's not like we just walk out the door either. It's a long walk to get out of the building and we've had a chance to chat. She works at a church, and lives with her parents out in the suburbs of my city (for the sake of privacy I'll just say it's a big city). I'm hesitant to ask her out. I know that it's probably the best way to do it, but I'm still hesitant. I don't know if she's single, and that really doesn't bother me. I guess if I ask, I'll find out. But what's the best way to ask? We've talked about what we do after class and I mentioned that I know a bartender and usually end up going to his bar (these are night classes). So I guess I could just ask her if she'd like to get a drink with me, but she has to drive home to the 'burbs after class while I take public transportation and the bar I go to isn't close to school. There are plenty of bars/restaurants near the school that would be fine. But do I ask her for a drink or do I say let's go out this weekend? Do I give her my card and say call me sometime (I know that works in Sex in the City but in real life...?). Let's say I do ask her out, then what? Do we meet somewhere? Do I go to the 'burbs to get her? Does she meet me at my place in the city? I've heard that getting drinks is a much easier way to break the ice than a straight up date, but you onlu live once! I'm open to suggestions. Thanks.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: swingaway
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 6:41pm

It's been a long time since I was asked out by a guy cold-turkey (not from an online thing), but that time was also when I was in college with someone I knew casually.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: swingaway
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 9:15pm

I think something low-key is called for here since you seem unsure of her feelings. As you're walking out, you could say, "I'm headed over to the coffee shop---would you care to join me?" That way, if she's not interested, it will be a gentle "no," and it's not like she's turning down a dinner invitation. I would avoid asking her to a bar unless you know she drinks, especially if it's a bar far away from campus. And it doesn't have to be a coffee shop per se. Could be a casual cafe.

Once you get to the coffee shop and are talking, you may find an opening to ask her out. Perhaps you're both talking about a cool foreign film you both want to see...you get the idea.

Usually if a woman is interested and a guy asks her to do something, and she really can't because of a prior commitment, she will find a way to let him know she'd like him to ask her again. If a guy invites me out for a drink and I can't go that night, I might say something like, "I'd really like to tonight, but I can't. Would another night work for you?" And I would say this in a very fun way, really letting him know in the tone of my voice that I really would like to go. I'm just telling you this in case she turns down your coffee shop invitation. She may really want to go but can't.

I think it's precious that you're really thinking through this...I wish I had a guy thinking this hard about asking me out!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
In reply to: swingaway
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:25pm
Well that's refreshing! I'm not really going to ask her out "Cold Turkey." I think I'll just be casual "So I'm heading out for a drink after this, want to join me?" That's appealing isn't it?! I just like this girl, so I don't want to TOTALLY screw things up straight from the get-go. I think I have a sporting chance...
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: swingaway
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 10:27pm

I think that sounds perfect.


Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: swingaway
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 11:37pm

Just go for it. The next time you guys are walking together seize your opportunity. Be quick about it, keep it simple: "When might you be free for drinks?" Good luck.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: swingaway
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 10:02am

Hey Swing...

We want to know how it turns out, OK?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
In reply to: swingaway
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 12:22am
You all wanted an update, here you go. I had class tonight and she showed up about a half an hour late. So my heart skipped a little when she walked in. Maybe that's over stating it, I was happy she was there. Class ended and we walked out together. Kind of chatted a little and got on the subject of what we were doing after class. She said she had to go back to finish leftover work, that that's why she was late. Ok, that's cool. But she did kind of open a window that I missed. She said that she wanted to get some food before she went back to work. She said it in passing, so I don't think it was like a reverse invitation. But I have been known to be wrong from time to time. But I think that was the opportune moment. Tomorrow is another day. I said I'd see her next week so I've got that. I'm sure my sporting chance isn't gone, and for that I'm very glad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
In reply to: swingaway
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:14am
So here's another update for y'all. If you remember I had kind of botched the last effort to ask this girl out. Well I didn't do that this time. I asked her out and she more or less said no. But there's more to the story. We were walking the halls leaving class, as normal, and when we got outside to part ways I made my move. I said "So what are you doing now? Do you want to go grab a beer?" She said "No, I have to go home." "How about a cup of coffee?" "No, I have to go home." I said "Ok, well how about another time?" "Ok, another time." So things could have gone worse and they could have gone better. I believe her when she says she had to go home. Her home isn't very close to school, probably 45 minute drive. So I honestly think she just wanted to go home and relax. So that's that. I guess I'll have to play it cool until "Another time" rolls around.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: swingaway
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 11:38am

Hi Swing,

Hey, we're all pulling for you! Glad you made your move.

I'm trying to read her response like tea leaves here. If she said "OK, another time." with enthusiasm, I'd say go ahead and ask her out on a date, not just when you run into her after class. Again, I'd make it kind of low-key, maybe just dinner in a nice restuarant, but not super expensive or fancy, or a movie. Then she wouldn't have to get home after class, you could work out a time.

If she turns this down, then I'm thinking she might have a boyfriend.

Good luck!