Is there hope for me finding someone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Is there hope for me finding someone?
10
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 12:18am

Greetings everyone,

This is my first post here, thought that this would be the perfect place to look for some help.

I am 28 years old, and for some reason, have had virtually no luck finding a mate.

Part of the problem is, I have no social skills. I have not once ever been in a relationship before, and don't even really know the proper way to get to know a girl or get a conversation going with a girl to even be able to get to a point where we exchange phone numbers.

Aside from a 1-month long relationship about 7 years ago, I have been on 3 other dates in my life.

All of my life, since I was a tiny thing, I have wanted to meet a nice girl, get married, buy a house, and have kids. But for some reason, I just can not find a girl who wants to give me a chance.

It is especially depressing when I talk to friends that I grew up with, went to school with, and even my former college roomates, and hear how they have all gotten married and started their families long ago. Even my cousin, who is 7 years younger than me, is now married, and is expecting a child any day now.

It gets even more depressing for me during the holiday season. A perfect example was this past Christmas. The Friday before Christmas, which is supposed to be a very exiting time. I was home by myself, because there was just nothing for me to do. All of my friends were spending time with their families. And what is there to do when you go out by yourself?

I finally just decided to go to Chili's for dinner. After that, I drove 35 miles to a bar where I used to DJ at. Spent an hour or so there talking to the guy I know that is now their current DJ. Got bored, and came home.

Then there was new year's eve. All of my friends were either sick, had plans, or just wanted to stay home with their families, so again, I was alone. Well, as no one would, I did not want to spend new year's eve at home by myself. So after calling all of my friends and finding out that everyone had other plans, I decided to go to the casino and walk around.

I swear, the 2-3 hours I spent in that casino, I was the only one there by myself. Every single person there was there with a significant other and/or friends. A few times I saw girls standing there by themselves, so I attempted to stop and talk to them - at which point I found out they were either waiting for the person they were with, or text messaging on their cell phones. By the time the new year hit, I was so depressed and disgusted, that I just went home.

I am so glad that the holidays are over. They really just do a number on me every single year.

Everyone keeps telling me that if I want to meet someone, I need to get out more. But I have tried everything I can think of. I joined several church singles groups a few years back, and all of the other members were in their 40's and 50's. I decided long ago that the kind of girl I am looking for is not in a bar. I even spent over $900 on a dating service that I as a member of for over a year, which I had no luck with at all.

And even when I do go out, as I mentioned earlier, if you find a girl and want to talk to her, what are the proper things to say to get the ball rolling? In all honesty though, seeing girls out by themselves is rare. And how do you get to talking to girls if they are all in a group? Most of the time, at least in my past experiances, if a guy that is out by himself goes and just starts talking to a group of women, they are going to think you are strange, and just look the other way.

What is it that I am doing wrong?

Is there even hope for me finding a relationship at this point, or should I just give it up? The fact that I am going to be 30 in 2 years and I have never even been in a relationship just really bothers me.

And what bothers me even more, is the fact that I am a nice person, who wouldn't be caught dead treating someone I loved the way I see other guys treating their spouses, but yet they always somehow manage to find someone. I want to find the RIGHT one. Meaning, I want us both to be happy for the rest of our lives, and be married for the duration of life.

Am I just not worth it? I will never understand why I am in this situation.

Sorry for the long post, but thought this would be a good place to vent. Hope someone on here can give me some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2003
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 1:59am

Hi there,
Why don't you try to go to places where women go? I was asking myself sometimes the same question in reverse (where are all the single men?) since many events I go to, it seems like there are more women than men. For example, at a public dance class, there were more women than men, most men who were there were the partners/husbands, but there was an overflow of single women with no partners who had to dance with each other for the class. Later in the evening, when the dance floor opened up, more men appeared out of nowhere. So I think that the issue is that men and women frequent different places and in different ways. So try going to the places that women are likely to frequent, not places you are interested in going to as they will probably be different. For example, I think we as women like to take dance classes, take sailing classes, go on easy to intermediate hikes (not streneous!), or take cooking classes.

So it is no surprise that you didn't meet single women at the bar at XMas and in the casino at New Years' because women usually don't go by themselves to these places, usually it is a man's choice, so they likely went with their partner.

About approaching the age of 30 and not being married, it sounds like age 30 is a milestone to both men and women. I wasn't feeling very well myself when I approached 30 as a single woman :-) but I then got over it. But you are still young at the age of 28, there is still ample time to meet Miss Right and have a family, isn't that right?

I hope you can find ways to enjoy singlehood. I'm sure you will meet someone someday!

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:02am

Yes, there is hope for you. You sound like a very nice person and whoever ends up being your partner will be a lucky person.

I am a woman and I am going to be 31 in April. I started dating when I was 29. So you see, being a man and single at 28 is ok.

Why don't you try online dating? I know you mentioned a dating agency.

I am telling that you are not alone. I have a coworker with a very good job at management level yet he is still single at the age of 53. He was just like you, feeling very depressed around the holidays. I told him that at his age, it is not too late to try online dating. The problem with him, is that he doesn't try. He is afraid of rejection.

As long as keep trying, there is hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:07am
Decided to delete it as it would not be helpful at all..


Edited 3/1/2007 11:58 am ET by happychick1004
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:30am

Katie had some good suggestions. Frequent establishments which women frequent; coffee shops, book stores, the mall, LOL. Do you have any interests or perhaps a hobby that you have been thinking about picking up on the side but have been putting off? If you look, there are probably several groups (photography, book club, hiking, wine, etc.) you could join if you were interested in such. Where I live, they even have a movie club. A group of folks get together once a month and take in a movie together. They even get a special discount. Do you have a dog? I do and have met a lot of folks at several dog parks. Do you go to a hair salon with predominantly female clientel? If not perhaps you should get a new stylist ; ) You guys have to get trimmed what, once per month? It would seem that odds would be in your favor to either meet a nice girl there or meeting someone who knows someone . . . be friendly and be open to meeting people at the grocery store, the dentists office, in line at the DMV, etc.

Don't feel so bad about being alone. No, it's not the best feeling in the world but you aren't the only one dealing with it. That may not be much comfort to you but . . . I spent NYE alone and have several times. It's not the end of the world. At least you "push" yourself to get out of the house, that's more than I can say for myself sometimes.

I'm sorry that you can't seem to find that girl. I've had a couple of serious relationships but I'm 34. So, I'm six years older than you and only ahead by two relationships ; ) I didn't fall in love until I was almost your age. If you want to find love, I think it can and will happen. Take care of yourself, take pride in everything you do and continue to be the nice guy that you appear to be. Someone is eventually going to take notice. Have faith : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:52am

Well, you're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 03-01-2007 - 11:19pm

Thank you all for your replies.

As for coffee shops, there are plenty around here, just never really thought of them as a place to meet people.

Another person mentioned a cooking class. I like to cook and grill, I think I just might look into that.

I have a (very outdated) profile on match.com that I am soon going to update and buy a membership and try it out again. I met someone on there about 4 years ago, but unfortunatly, I was not too impressed with her after I met her, and we eventually stopped talking. Now that there are some new members, I am going to sign back up.

I appreciate the advice that you all are giving me. You seem like a nice group of people, and I'm sure that I'll be comming around a lot more to ask for your opinions and advice. (as you already know, I have never been in a relationship, and if and when I ever end up with someone, I will probably be on here pestering you all with a thousand questions LOL.)

Again I appriceiate the help and support, and look forward totalking to you again in the future. I plan to stick around here for a bit, and I look forward to getting aquainted with your group.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 10:24am

I totally agree with this.

I am getting a 2nd job at Home Depot. Many men frequent that place so who knows maybe my social calendar will fill up as well.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 3:46pm
You seem like a very sweet/nice man and there is a shortage of guys out there like you who are still single and wanting marriage and family, so I'm sure you'll get snatched up soon enough :-) It's all about patience and persistence and doing all sorts of different things like you are doing. All the suggestions given are good ones, Online dating, classes, trying to strike up conversations with people at events. Giving yourself a goal of talking to 3 different people at events etc etc. You sound like you are doing great so far and it's easy to lose the hope or faith sometimes. My boyfriend seemed to be similar to you. He wasn't too social but really wanted to find someone and meet the right one and just wasn't having much luck. He would try and he would get out some, but didn't go to too many events because he's pretty shy and had problems striking up conversations with people. He's super generous and sometimes women took advantage of that. He was 37 years old before he met me so you are still young and have plenty of time and you seem like a great catch which is a good combination :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 4:17pm

Everyone else seemed to hit most of the points I wanted to bring up, so I won't rehash them - other than to say that I agree, you sound like a nice guy and definitely should not give up.

I also want to add that most women are not scary. Try not to get intimidated when you are considering walking up to a woman to talk to her. You don't have to say the perfect thing or dazzle her - keep it simple and just make small talk. That is even easier to do in the places people suggested you go to meet women - classes, bookstores, interest groups - because you can talk about the topic at hand: the books, the food you're cooking, whatever.

I also agree with setting a goal for meeting three new people a week. Even simpler, try to just make small talk with as many people as possible -- potential dates or just the person in line in front of you at the store. Talking to a non-intimidating person like the cashier, an older woman at the store, etc. is just good practice for feeling comfortable talking to anyone - including that cute woman you want to meet. :)

Good luck, and keep us posted.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 10:10pm

Just chiming in to say that I understand your pain. I too have never had a girlfriend, only a few dates and I've never even had sex before, but the thing is, I'm only 20. I can't imagine what it's like to be in the same position at 28. 8 years is a terrifyingly long time.

The only thing I can really suggest is, don't aim so high. I know you want a serious relationship and marriage, but it's not all that cracked up to be. Relationships are a lot of hard work and drama, and half of all marriages end in divorce (and I think most of the remaining marriages are sour but won't end because they're either afraid of losing the kids or financial ruin)

I'm no longer looking to find Ms. Right to spend the rest of my life with. I've stripped my requirements for a girl down to the bare minimum (I'll take any girl who's got a cute face and who isn't a gold digger) and I'm just looking for casual dating and hooking up. I'll be happy if I can meet a girl at a party or a dance club, kiss her for just 1 minute and never see her again afterwards.

Some people may say that's immature, but honestly, I think that the man who admits he's not ready for a relationship and actively pursues something casual is more mature than the man who insists he's in love and falls on their knees and proposes to the first and only woman he meets.

Try lowering your sights, and if you get a chance just to hookup with a girl who may not be material you're looking for as the mother of your children, but she's cute enough and mildly decent, don't deny yourself. If you enjoy it, keep doing it.