Single with Fair Weather Friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Single with Fair Weather Friends
9
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:18am

So this time last year and the year before, I was single, but having lots of fun. What's the difference now, well, all my fun-loving, single girlfriends are falling off the scene one by one and leaving me high and dry most weekends (and weeknights) as they pursue new relationships and other pursuits. And that's cool, I understand but I find it funny how when you are single, people suggest to turn to your friends for companionship in the meantime. But what if your friends begin hanging out less and less, start getting seriously involved in relationships and begin the disapearing act or are simply here today, gone tomorrow. What then, is a single girl to do?

Yes, I've been diligently trying to make new friends. I've joined several social groups and event many social events but there is a big difference between making new associates that you do things with and having really close, friends that you can confide in.

Does anyone else feel that being single has made you more dependent on your friends? And that without them, your social life pretty much falls apart? Does anyone else rely on companionship from friends?

Just seems like if its not one thing, its the other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:31am

This might not apply but I've found making new friends at this age is almost as hard as finding a man at this age. We are more picky, know what we like and don't like, have an idea of the kind of friends we want, etc. etc. and so finding and making friends is so hard! Plus I'm guilty of not really wanting to invest the time and energy! So much so that Friday nights my boyfriend works and I PREFER to spend the evening in - I make a big salad, get comfy and watch my weeks worth of soaps!!! :) I'm putting myself out this Friday and actually going to happy hour and I'm afraid when 5 o'clock hits I'll be like "oh I just wanna go home" but I won't! :p Anyway... another tangent but personally I can't complain about not having girlfriends to hang out with because I don't think I'd be that great of a girlfriend - I like alot of alone time and boyfriend and family seems to take up the rest. I guess that's why my girlfriends must work for me... they have families of their own to not need me so much!

So chickadee - I'm not any help other than to sympathize!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:44am
Hi cl214....I can totally relate...trust me. I've had "friends" drop me like a bad habit as soon as a man came into the picture. What made it worse, and almost insulting, is that the men they choose over hanging out with me were complete losers. Unemployed, huge drinkers, guys that spend the whole weekend sitting in front of the tv, never leaving the house. Meanwhile, I love life, love doing fun things, am an overall fun, friendly person...yet these girls thought just any man was better than a really good female friend. Oh well, that's their issue, not mine. I'm lucky to live in NY city, a place where single women in their 30's are a huge popoulation, so I've met some new friends while here, but I know it takes a lot of effort, and sometimes even I would rather go home with a good book or movie. If anything, at this age, I've become less dependant on my friends, only because I know a lot of females are only biding their time with other women friends until a man comes into their life. I'd like to think I won't do this when I meet the one for me....but I can't predict....maybe I'll end up doing the same thing...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:52am

Yep, my friends are my family. And even when they're in a relationship, they're still my friends, I just may not get to see them as much (but they are there for me when I really need them). I've become pretty self-reliant--I'll go do things by myself if I can't find someone to go with me (including traveling on my own).

So I wouldn't say I'm "dependent" on my friends, exactly, although they are great and I'm glad to have them. But I rely on myself first and foremost.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 12:19pm

Honestly, I just don't think these women are our good friends in the first place. I have friends that have kicked me out of their life so fast my head spun, but I also have friends who have boyfriends who I still see relatively often, who TRY, who make an effort. I spent Saturday overnight hanging out with one of my best friends at her place, cooking, watching TV, talking about everything and nothing, and it was great. She has a boyfriend, but I know she values my friendship enough to still make time for me. I have a friend who's married with two kids (and kids are just a totally different story, ten times more time consuming and I understand that) and we still talk and we make plans as often as we can (which isn't that often, but I'm ok with that). THOSE are true friends, not those who use their single friends as time-killers until they meet a man. I'm sorry, I don't need JUST one person, JUST a man to have a complete/good social life. We're the ones they cry to when they have a fight or break up, if we're good enough to be emotional crutches, why aren't we good enough to keep around when things are going well??

I just stop trying, and they'll be hard-pressed to make plans with me when they break up with their respective boyfriends...to me, it's just insulting. I can understand having less time, but not NO time...one of my friends blew me off to go to dinner with her boyfriend THAT SHE LIVES WITH...seriously?? We'd had tentative plans before, even!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 12:26pm

Hi...in answer to your question is "yes" and "yes".

We all need people. If we don't have a mate or family of our own, we need to get it somewhere else. My advice to you is to try to be more fluid. I know it's hard when people leave. Like Leila said..."keep the door open" meanwhile, expand more and try to make new friends. You are doing good with the social groups. Real friends are not easy to come by. Those social contacts could be friends in time.

I also think it's OK to seek connections online. I just joined an online "connection" website, one with a similar interest, and I am meeting all kinds of quality people with similar interests that could be potential friends or companions.

Soliel

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 12:42pm

In regards to this comment:

*****************

I'm sorry, I don't need JUST one person, JUST a man to have a complete/good social life. We're the ones they cry to when they have a fight or break up, if we're good enough to be emotional crutches, why aren't we good enough to keep around when things are going well??

***********

I totally agree with you! All different kinds of relationships make life more interesting and fun. There are things I get from friends I could not get from a boyfriend or husband. Plus, it's just more fun to share and talk with others of all kinds. I am with you here, I value all relationships.

Soliel
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:41pm

Social life???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:01am
I'm a believer that if your friend is a true friend to you, you should try your best to make time for that person. Sometimes people just serve a purpose in our lives for a time to help us through something or are acquaintances and just disappear. I think that's just the nature of life. True friends though will always make time regardless. I'm in a relationship, so I definately have noticed that I have less time for my friends than I did when I was single, and it's a very tough juggling act sometimes to take your boyfriend's and friend's feelings into consideration, but I really do try my best with the friends that I have had for the past few years and have valued. I'm sure sometimes that they get upset with me if I'm not available and they really want to hang out and I know I don't have control over that. I can't make everyone happy but I know I really do try my best and I haven't disappeared. In fact, I talk to one of my good friends almost everyday on the phone. We hang out almost every week and if I don't talk to her on the phone, I will email her. Other friends I don't have as much time for, but I always return phone calls and a lot of the time if I haven't talked to or seen someone in awhile, I will initiate a phone call to see how they are. As you get older, friendships are more fluid but the ones that are meant to last and are true will continue. These friendships do take a lot more effort, especially when you are in a relationship. The truth of the matter is your significant other is a very important person in your life and it does get more difficult to spend a lot of time with friends, but the true ones will be around for the long haul even if they can't spend AS much time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 8:44am
I couldn't agree more sherri!

Smile,

Deirdre