They don't understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
They don't understand
7
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 12:57pm

I have noticed that other do not understand what it is like to be single. They lack an awareness on how hard it can sometimes be for us.

For instance, I have a sister who used the excuse of my being "self-sufficient" (her words, not mine!) as the reason I wasn't invited to a social function. I know this sounds very cold, and it is. She just assumed I was "self-sufficient" enough to not care but she is wrong. Of course she didn't even bother to ask how I felt about it. How caring! (sarc) I am self-sufficient in many ways but I still could use love and invites! Everyone can, especially single people. It just really annoyed me she didn't bother to think that I would appreciate being asked out. She has the love of her husband and two boys...I have NONE of that. What in the world is she thinking? Total lack of awareness for other's situations and needs. Believe me, I let her know how thoughtless I thought it was and that she made assumptions that were not true.

Another item I noticed. I want to travel, specifically take cruises. I lost my mother last year and most of my friends are too poor to do so. So I asked an older couple I know of if they would like to join me (we have been social here and there and they have expressed some affection and friendship for me) and another friend for a cruise. I know this was bold of me but I just thought I'd try and "throw it out there". I made it clear I am an "independent traveler" and I don't need their companionship all day by any means, it would just be nice to know others on the ship and connect here and there. They had traveled with my step dad so I thought maybe I could "tag along"...not to invade their time but just so I can know someone on the ship while I do my own thing. She said that I need to go on single's cruises. Okay, that's not a bad choice, but it's hard, you know? She just said like it was so easy. I'd really rather go knowing someone on the ship! I doubt very much that SHE would easily go on a single's cruise. Honestly, people rarely think. I wrote her too, that I just wanted to fell "less alone" and that is why I asked them. I wanted to give her the message, too, that it's not easy being single. I like this woman a lot...while I am not mad at her, I wanted to let her know in a subtle way how hard it can be to travel on your own. I doubt very much she would be able to!

I just feel that so often, especially those in longterm marriages or partnerships, don't understand that singles need love and companionship, too. In fact we most likely need it more. We maybe independent but it doesn't mean we don't need love.

I swear, I will never be like them! When I am in relationship again, I will never assume anything about single friends... I will invite them when I can and send them love whenever I can. I will not just assume that they would rather be by themselves. It just amazes me the lack of awareness and thoughtfulness.




Edited 8/15/2007 1:32 pm ET by lv2breathe
Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 1:22pm

I know exactly what you mean (big surprise). I work with several woman who have children and I think they forget what its like to be single and childless and have their entire lives surround aroung themselves and their personal pursuits so my life seems like one big vacation to them. And it probably is.

In regards to loneliness, I usualy get the 'call a friend' solution but as I wrote in my other thread, I'm lucky if I see my friends once a week and that still leaves 6 more days in the week to deal with.

People will continue to forget until they find themselves in this position. Til then, they won't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:33pm

You're right, they don't understand...but I do! I am in the same situation. The majority of my friends are involved or married with children now, so of course they prefer to hang out with other couples and not a single woman. They often make thoughtless comments to me like your married sister's "self sufficient" one, as though I enjoy being alone...it just blows me away how clueless people can be. I am newly single for the first time in 5 years, and after my relationship ended several months ago I moved to San Diego. I have yet to meet a fellow single woman who wants to hang out and it is very discouraging...I am 33 and I guess most women my age are either married with a family or in a serious relationship.

So are you going to do the singles cruise thing? I have also had that suggestion made to me and it sounds fun, but like you I don't like the idea of going a trip knowing absolutely no one. So frustrating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:41pm

I completely agree. I went to visit a got married two years ago to someone she met online and it seems like she completely forgotten what it is like to be a single woman and how frustrating it is dating.

Don't waste your time on so called "singles cruises". What they really are is a group of singles on a cruise with everyone else, families, honeymooners, etc. I enjoy cruises as well but they are one vacation spot you will never find a single man on. I even went to a "singles resort" for a long weekend and it was a waste of money. I did not go to meet someone, I just wanted to get away for a 4th of july weekend and it was one of the few places that will accomodate singles with other singles of the same gender to share a room without having to pay the usual "single suppliment". I was miserable because they had no air conditioning in the cabins and the single men that were there.....let's just say I would rather have spent an evening with my remote control.

I love to travel but my group of single girlfriends just keep getting whittled down more and more. The minute the boyfriend hits the picture, they say "sayonara" to "girls only" trips. Some people don't get the fact that you want to travel just because its something enjoy and you won't believe the crap I get from people when I talk about travelling on my own. They react the same way as if I talking about doing something terribly dangerous. Yeah, some places are tough on your own, but at least you get to do what you like and not have to consult with others in a group.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:50pm

Yes...I believe I will do the single's cruise thing. At first I balked because I thought cruises were too "party" for me but then I looked into it further and discovered there are all kinds of thing to do on a cruise ship that would appeal to many personalities. There are theme cruises as well...everything from learning to history to whatever! There is is even a cycling cruise in Europe where at every port you go on bycling excurtions. Single's cruises have a reasonable "single's supplement" plus they are hosted. I guess that means there will be a lot of organized parties/excursions where you can meet others. Vacations to Go has amazing discounts which also turned me onto this mode of travel.

I was going to do it this summer but had major home disaster that prevented that.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:54pm

Thanks for sharing via the single's cruises. Hmmmm I am not sure what to think now. If that isn't a viable option for single's what is? I have traveled by myself but it was scary at times. I cried a few times. I really don't want that to happen again.

Soliel

Soliel
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 4:33pm

Yeah, I guess we could call it "Single Amnesia." I hear ya, and have the same problem.

As to travel alone: I went on a singles trip to Europe about 10 years ago and had a really good time. No, there weren't any decent men on the tour, but it didn't really matter. I really wanted to see Europe and met 3 other people on the tour that I hung out with. I've thought of doing a singles cruise too because I've never been on a cruise, but like you, I have a hard time getting excited going all by myself. But it could be fun, I haven't ruled it out.

I took a trip to Savannah by myself last year (just two nights) and it was nice enough but I felt lonely half the time. So, I don't see me going somewhere alone again. Well, maybe NYC. To me NYC is very energizing, but it does take a lot of energy to pack your bags, fly and take cabs to the hotel all by yourself. And of course it's more fun with someone. The whole travel thing is tough when you're single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 6:20pm

Hi,

I just intended to read a few messages without posting but found that I wanted to reply to so many :)
So... here is my first official post.

I know exactly what all of you are saying. All my friends are married and have babies so when we do get together it's all about married people stuff.
We used to go to clubs, bars, have parties and have so much fun but now it's like their entire existence before the wedding, never happened!

I don't get invited to most things because I'm the odd one out. Am I missing something? Do married people speak a language I have yet to learn?

Then when you DO get invited to the secret sanctuary of coupledom there are the pitying stares because you're single -ugh! I'd rather do a movie or dinner on my own than have to get the customary "Don't worry, you'll find someone," speech. :D