Confused.......mixed messages?
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| Wed, 08-15-2007 - 7:18pm |
Hi, My name is cathy. I have never posted here before. I have a dilemma; I am confused. I haven't dated in a long time. I have never had much luck with men. Men just never seem to like me, I guess I am not pretty enough. I haven't dated in a very long time. Recently, just to test the waters, I joined an online service. I have felt like a yo-yo, sometimes someone likes me, then he vanishes. I have been chatting with one person for a few weeks. He seems quite soulful, at times. He seems sincere. We have fun chatting, sometimes for hours, and at the end of the night, we become soulful, we kind of "connect." It's beautiful. He has said things like.....you are a fine woman, any man would be lucky to have you, I think we could be great together, chatting with you is so easy and comfortable, I think I could love you. He encouraged me to call him and I did, we chatted awhile on the phone. I am shy, he did most of the talking. He told me to call again and he wasn't home. On weekends, he is good to me, supportive, encouraging. Then, during the week, he is distant, I hear very little from him and it is usually meaningless small talk, as if we didn't bond the weekend before. He lives in a neighboring state and has talked about meeting this weekend. But, when I called, at his suggestion at the time he told me to, he wasn't home. He said he was still at work. I don't understand and I feel like a yo-yo. He likes me, he doesn't. I know that I do require a little extra attention, sometimes, encouragement that I am wanted because my past. Maybe I am being too demanding. But, if you like someone, you make effort and you keep your word, right? When I confided in him, he wrote back and said it was the most beautiful thing he had ever read, then he confided in me. I told him about flaws, he said he didn't judge me and that he understood. Just what I needed to hear, I felt ok and accepted by a guy for the first time in years! What do you make of this man? Does he like me? Is he playing games and just saying the right things? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.

Anyone who brings out the L word before you've even met is feeding you a line of crap.
Unfortunately, there are men online who just really want to have an online experience, with no intention of ever meeting. Like the other poster said, he could be married or in another relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if he were also carrying on email "relationships" with other women. It makes no sense to me, but there you have it.
Plus, why does he always ask you to call him?
In my opinion, I think it's best to meet someone sooner rather than later. If you seem to be clicking after a few emails, go ahead and meet. Meeting in person is always different than when you talk on the phone for some reason (this has happened to me numerous times). What seemed like a great connection fizzles when you meet. There's a good book about online dating "The Rules for Online Dating." Even if you don't follow any of the rules, I think it's a great overview and will give you tremendous insight into the whole thing.
Now, all this to say, keep giving online dating a chance, but I'd also step up your efforts in the "real" world. There are men online who are sincere and really there to meet someone, but I wouldn't rely on it exclusively. Personally, I hated online dating. I found it very frustrating and kind of humiliating.
Hey, and don't be down on yourself.
~Heather~
Online dating is a different animal. You need to make sure your "BS detector" is in good working order, and never ever ignore your gut instinct.
Here are some general guidelines I follow for online dating:
-- Don't e-mail, IM or play phone tag forever. Meeting face-to-face is the only way to really get a good feel for someone. If a man goes on e-mailing for several weeks, let him go - and fast.
-- Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Go out with a few different people and get a feel for what you like in a man. Especially since you haven't dated in awhile, this is a good practice -- helps you build your confidence and also practice paying attention to who is good for *you*
-- Never worry that you are not pretty/smart/funny/whatever enough. When you meet a new person, it's your job to determine if *he* is kind/smart/cute/whatever enough for *you.*
Just be you, the way you are.
-- Remember to have a thick skin. This one is the hardest to learn - but you have to remember that it is all too easy to reject someone you have never met. These people don't know you and how wonderful you are, so don't take any online rejections even remotely personally. It's just part of the nature of the beast.
Good luck. I do agree with the PPs that you should probably pass on this guy. If he hasn't met you in person yet, he's likely to string you along indefinitely. Get out there, have fun with some people who actually have the time and inclination to go on some real, in-person dates. :)
AJ, enjoying life with C.