A Big Mistake

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
A Big Mistake
8
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 9:10am
Well, I made a classic mistake and I don’t know what to do. I met a guy about two months ago. I’ve posted about this before, but this is a new development. Anyway, me and the guy really didn’t see much of each other because he was so “busy” (there goes that word). We had two dates…on the second date, we had sex. He was my first in almost two years. I guess I was craving intimacy…bad choice, I guess. What a waste, right?
The day was so nice…we had lunch, saw a movie, had great conversation. I trusted that this guy wouldn’t be one of those who is a “hit and quit” type, you know? He’s like 20 years older than me (I’m 28), and although I know that older guys are players too, I guess I just thought that he was different.
So, it’s been a week since we were intimate. We were barely talking before it happened. He did call me the day after and the day after that. Now, he’s back to not really trying to communicate with me. He made tentative plans to take me out…I didn’t hear from him. When I asked him about it, he just said, “sorry…I was so tired and slept all day…” Bull!!! I don’t know whether or not to attribute it to us having sex (me having sex with a man I had only been out with twice) or if I should just consider it his regular behavior. Now, I feel discarded, cast aside. Like a notch on someone’s bed post. What do I do? Confront him about it or just let him go…not that he’s really mine anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
In reply to: mali2579
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 10:03am

I think he sounds like a flake who'd be a flake no matter what happened between you, whether you slept together or not. I would have liked to have thought this stupid behavior was limited to younger guys that I've dated in years past, but that's clearly not the case.

I don't think you should blame yourself...you said yourself that he was acting distant even before you slept together. I don't think it's you, it sounds to me like he's just not looking to be serious with anyone, he's just looking to have fun. If that's ok with you, then perhaps you should stick it out longer, but if not, I wouldn't think it's worth the potential pain it could cause you in the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: mali2579
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 10:56am
I would say it could be a combination of both. If he is single and 48, that should be a real big clue. Secondly, I really feel guys do loose intrest in women when they have sex too early with them. I have seen it happen way too many times with my friends and my ex-boyfriend's firends. Every time my ex's friends would go out with a new girl and sleep with them right away, I would tell my guy they're going to loose interest real soon. At the max, they only lasted maybe a week or two. And strung them on, while dating other girls. They did not respect these girls and lost interest. Next time, make them wait and definitely do not have sex with them if they're already being flakey with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
In reply to: mali2579
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 11:25am

Hi.
You're definitely right. I've seen it happen, too, with friends of mine. I guess I just thought that this guy may be different, especially since he is a little older and seemed like a sincere person. Well, hopefully I'll be able to move on from this feeling of shame and embarrassment. It really hurts a lot to be done that way.

Thanks for replying.

Mali

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mali2579
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 11:39am

Let it go!!!

This guy is NOT a good match for you and you knew that BEFORE you slept with him, so why are you even thinking about trying to pursue it further? Did you really think that having sex with him was magically going to change his busy schedule and lack of time to see you???

Let it go!!!

As a footnote, and as someone who usually dates men in their 40s, I have to laugh about your notion that older guys don't behave badly, that's pretty funny ;-). But that's not really what happened here--he's behaving exactly the same way he did BEFORE you slept together.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
In reply to: mali2579
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 12:17pm

Yeah, I guess I was foolish enough to think that he liked me, but was genuinely busy. I was also foolish enough to think that he would be more willing to spend time with me, since we had been intimate. What bothers me most is that he knew that he was my first in a long time. I had also told him that I had avoided being in a relationship in nearly two years because I had been disappointed so many times. I thought that he'd remember that and not be another diappointment. Of course, I do know that men, regardless of age, will have sex with a woman, knowing that he has no intention of it being more than sex. It just stings that he would go there with me, knowing all those things. It's like he set out to be hurtful...
Anyway, I only have myself to blame. He didn't force me to be intimate with him.

Thanks for replying...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mali2579
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 12:49pm

Well, he may well *like* you, but that doesn't mean he is on the same page with you so far as the amount of time you would prefer he spend with you. But yes, it wasn't wise to think that having sex would change the amount of time he was willing to spend with you.

And I guess I'm not sure why telling him that you hadn't slept with anyone in a long time should have changed anything. He knew that you knew about his schedule and lack of time for you, and that you were apparently ok with it since you made the decision to sleep with him anyway. Of course, if you also told him that you expected that he would make more time for you once you'd slept together, and he agreed but didn't follow through, then that's deceitful. But if you didn't have that discussion, I don't think it's unreasonable of him to have thought you were ok with it.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: mali2579
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 7:17pm

What I want to know is...Why can't HE be a notch on your bedpost?

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mali2579
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 7:22pm

I agree on sex too soon (whatever that means) makes a guy lose interest. In some cases waiting too long for sex would make me lose interest.

My most intimate (emotional, spiritual, physical, AND sexual) relationship in my entire life was with this woman I met online and the second "date" was spent all weekend in bed with her. I was with her for a year before she dumped me via email.

Mark