friendship hurts..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
friendship hurts..
11
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 10:03am

I'm hurt by my two *closest* friends. My b-day is coming up and I messaged them with my plan for us and a few other friends to go to the bars for a fun night out. They both messaged back that they had already discussed my birthday and wanted to keep it more low-key, and just have dinner. They gave excuses such as having things to do the next day and the bars aren't fun when you're sober. I never said it had to be a wild night! For one's birthday a few months back, we went to a bar because that's what she wanted to do, and I stayed sober so to be designated driver, and I got up the next morning to pack and go on a trip, but I didn't let any of that stop me from going with them and having a good time.

I'm just feeling like, this is my one special day a year and they can't even do what I want to do. I've thrown two bridal showers for my one friend and am throwing a bachelorette party next. I feel like I'm not getting back what I'm putting in.

I guess this was more of a vent, but does that seem unfair? I'm not the confrontational type so I'm hesitant to say all of this to the two of them. Suggestions?

Pages

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 11:32am

I view that bringing up one's needs and sharing what is going on with you is not confrontational.

I like Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication process where you state your feelings, the need that underlies those feelings, and a specific behavioral request so you can get that need met.

Ex. I am feeling hurt because I have a need for my preferences to be honored and me being supported for this is really important to me and therefore I request that for my birthday that we go to X bar between Y and Z hours so we can have fun and be able to work the next day.

The caution is that by definition a request is a request not a demand so it is not being attached to the outcome.

Good luck and happy birthday,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:09pm

Oh, I hear you. I had the same problem (well, similar) this year for my birthday. BUT no one tried to tell me where to go (I just had trouble actually GETTING people to go)...it's YOUR birthday! THEY discussed it?? That's rude! I'd tell them (nicely) that you want to do what you want to do for your birthday and that you'd do the same for them.

I'm glad I'm not alone though....I also took issue with the fact that NO ONE bought me a drink on my birthday. Meanwhile, my friend and I whose birthdays (we were born a day apart) it was bought our other friend who was there that night drinks CONSTANTLY on her birthday. In my opinion, she set a new precedent and I don't really plan on buying her drinks this year. It gets expensive and if it's not going to be reciprocated, then forget it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:22pm
Talk to them. In a calm manner, but tell them where you are coming from. You cannot expect them to know what you are feeling. Don't mope around, just talk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:39pm

My mom does this thing where whenever a special day is coming up... her birthday or mother's day, etc. - she'll TELL US what she wants done. Take me here for brunch, for x day I want you both to answer the following questions..., etc. It always frustrates me because if I wasn't being told what to do I might come up with something really thoughtful and well... what *I* wanted to do for her.

My first impression (although I don't know your friends or you) is that a) your friends have discussed your birthday so maybe they really do value you and it!? b) what if they had thought of something THEY wanted to do for you for your birthday and were trying to plan something nice with dinner and such - why is that bad?

Albeit, maybe they truly are taking the easy way out - I'd sure give them the benefit of the doubt before getting so upset over it!?

Nonetheless, happy birthday!

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 6:19pm

I had a cr*ppy birthday this year so I can relate.

My so-called best friend asked me several weeks in advance what I wanted to do for my birthday. Traditionally, we go out to dinner, sometimes just the two of us sometimes with her husband and another couple. So, I said, "Let's go to the same restaurant we went to last year and invite the couple." This couple happens to be very busy and if you don't schedule them, they very likely can't make it.

My friend kept putting off inviting the couple...I have no idea why. She asks me which night I want to go on, I say Saturday. So, I think it's settled, but it's not. Saturday around noon she calls and says she has a bladder infection and can we do it Sunday night instead? So I say yeah, sure. I actually don't believe her. I think she already had something planned that she fogot about and just lied to me to get out of it (she does this with other people so I figured she would do it to me.) Sunday we're driving to the restaurant which is actually a 45 minute drive and of course she has to stop to get gas and she tells me that she called the couple on Friday but they never called back. Oh, and she says she didn't even tell them it was my birthday. WTF? OK, whatever.

Then, there are 3 other women I used to work with that get together for each other's birthdays. So, the following Sunday (you know, it could never be a Saturday night I guess), I get to the restaurant and only ONE of them shows up. We called one to see if she were coming and she said she couldn't because of a business trip she had to take the next day. OK, that's fine, but couldn't she have called? How hard is that? The other one is a complete scatterbrain to begin with and she was at the airport picking up her daughter and the flight was delayed. OK, great.

The only people who came through on my birthday were my PARENTS. How sad is that? I'm 53 years old and I'm out to dinner at a nice restaurant with my parents. Geez.

I have another so called friend who didn't even remember my birthday.

I hate to sound so whiney, but this was a bad year. I used to look forward to my birthday because of these get togethers.

So in answer to your question, yes, it's unfair. If it's your birthday, I think it's up to your friends to make it special for you. It's not like you're asking for the moon and the stars. HOW HARD IS THIS???? It's not. In terms of what you should do: I don't know what you can do. I didn't feel like I could confront any of these people in my life without seeming really petty. It's really just very sad and it breaks my heart, how can you say that to people? I consider myself a rather up-front person, but this is really sad and painful and I don't know what to do about it.

Sorry to vent so much, but your post just set all of this off.

Happy birthday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 6:47pm

Thanks to all for your responses. The consensus seems to be that I should tell them how I feel...

cml7721 - I'm sorry no one bought you a drink! I always buy my friend a birthday drink or shot, it's sad no one reciprocates!

luvmansbestfriend - I'd love to think they wanted it to be special but unfortunately I know they're trying to take the easy way out. They both gave me things they had to do the next day and said they wanted to keep it "low-key". I wasn't expecting us to go crazy but something a little more exciting than eating dinner.

floridagirl52 - I'm sorry to hear you had a crummy birthday! It doesn't sound like your friend took it seriously, that would have upset me too.

Also thanks for the birthday wishes!

I'm going to try and carefully phrase my feelings to them, I don't want to start a fight but I do want them to see where I'm coming from. Thanks again everyone

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 9:40pm

" bars aren't fun when you 're sober." do you have some alcoholic friends? Friends who may not want to drink any more? if so, B'day or not, that has to be respected. I am trying to read this right.

I find that people are into their own stuff. I did get some surprises at work on my B'day, One friend sent me a doz roses to work, but since she changes jobs and does nor work withme, I have not heard from her. Got some surprise e-mails, spent time with all my kids at different times, they all remembered me and my grandkids. My G'son sang me the happy B'day song, the first song he sang from start to finish. It made me happy. I think we have trouble with expectations. One night I took myself out for steamers, lobster, a glass of wine etc on the ocean for a b'day treat for myself.

Acceptance, forgiveness will keep us happy and free. Let it all go and have fun. happy B'day, celebrate your time here on earth. Leila

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 11:56pm

My take is that if I cannot express myself honestly with my friends then they are not that close of a friend.

I hope you enjoy your birthday regardless,

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 9:10am
Are you sure they aren't planning a surprise of some sort? Maybe suggest dinner instead of drinks if you are sure they aren't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 5:01pm

>>My first impression (although I don't know your friends or you) is that a) your friends have discussed your birthday so maybe they really do value you and it!? b) what if they had thought of something THEY wanted to do for you for your birthday and were trying to plan something nice with dinner and such - why is that bad?

Hmm, I never thought of that, good point. I guess it's because we usually just ask the person in question what they want to do, so I wasn't thinking of it that way. BUT the fact that they said it was because they had "things to do" put me off a little bit.

Pages