Benefit of the doubt

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Benefit of the doubt
29
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:27pm

I was talking with some girlfriends last night about dating. The conversation revolved around when to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I am ready to write off someone who has been flaky, never has time on the weekend, does have time during the week but only in two-hour blocks, is short on the phone, and seems to be only able to communicate by text message. He claims to really want to see me, but his actions say otherwise to me.

My girlfriends were trying to tell me I'm too harsh and should give him the benefit of the doubt (their rationale: he's got a busy job, he's got his own baggage that affects how he dates, but he *said* he wanted to see you, maybe he thinks *you're* not interested). I have spent most of my dating life giving people the benefit of the doubt, and I'm sick of being the doormat.

So, I'm not really looking for advice on this particular situation because I'm following my own gut on this one - - but this goes back to Shy's point from last week and the thread about mixed advice from friends.

For YOU, where is the line when you stop giving someone the benefit of the doubt? I'm just interested to see how this varies by person.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:40pm
'Where there is a will, there is a way'. Always. No way = no will, or not enough.


Edited 8/21/2007 12:41 pm ET by capegirardeau
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:45pm
I'm not sure what you mean - can you expand on that?

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:52pm
If he really wanted to be with you and spend more time with you, he would find time out of his 'busy schedule' to do that. Maybe he just likes you, but not enough to go out of his way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:02pm

Okay, this goes beyond the answer you're looking for, but I have to tell you about an experience with a guy I had almost two years ago.

Met him from Match. He had one picture. After our second date, all within a week, he took his profile down. His main source of communication with me was text messages, occasional phone calls while driving hime from work and emails. He never invited me to his place, ever. After all this, my gut started to scream something was off.... I was telling my mom and she said, "sounds like he is either married or living with somebody". I was so furious. He was out of town, so I looked up his address and went to his condo. When I looked at the address names, there were two and one was a girl. He was not single. Go with your gut!!! Your intincts are giving you vibes for a reason.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:23pm

>>Go with your gut!!! Your intincts are giving you vibes for a reason.<<

I think I'm dating the same guy you did. Yes, my gut is usually right -- only I usually realize that in hindsight. I'm trying something new this time and going with my gut sooner than later. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:23pm

"I am ready to write off someone who has been flaky, never has time on the weekend, does have time during the week but only in two-hour blocks, is short on the phone, and seems to be only able to communicate by text message. He claims to really want to see me, but his actions say otherwise to me."

I will give the benefit of the doubt the first few weeks. If non of these situations improve over the course of one month, I'm out. Plain and simple. I staunchly believe if a man is really interested, he'll make the time, the effort, the calls and get to you!

Why waste time on a guy that isn't breaking his neck to make time for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:25pm

EXACTLY! And so agree.

And let's be real here, who nowadays isn't busy, busy, busy? Everybody I know has a packed schedule. BUT when there is someone in their life that they really want to be with, they can always find the time. Just as you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:25pm
Yes!! I totally made up excuses because I did not want to believe them until the excuses becaming ridiculous and I could not ignore them anymore. Please don't let it get to that point. You deserve more. AND he will try to pull you back in more then once. Don't let that happen, either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:28pm

"I think I'm dating the same guy you did. Yes, my gut is usually right -- only I usually realize that in hindsight. I'm trying something new this time and going with my gut sooner than later. :)"

Sorry for all the multiple replies but I swear everyone in this thread is hitting things on the nose for me. Like you, I usually don't see the red flags until its over but this year, I made a promise to myself to walk away when I noticed them instead of waiting around. I went with my guy and even though I miss the dude, I know I did the right thing and I'm sure there was more going on than his stories. And every woman I have spoken to has said the same: if you feel something is off, IT IS!!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:29pm

I tend to give WAY too much benefit of the doubt, but I'd be ready to write off a guy who did that also. I kept going for about 4 months with a guy like that recently--he always talked a really good game, but the follow through was very lacking. And ironically, he called me last week (about a month after I broke things off) and told me how much he missed me, wanted me to give him another shot, blah, blah, blah. I said, well, it's too late, I'm seeing someone else and we've decided to be exclusive (although I am having 2nd thoughts about having agreed to that so soon). But he gets me thinking so a couple days later I called him and said, ok, let's say I take a step back with the exclusivity thing and agree to see you again--how will things be different? We start to talk about it (he's in his car) and he says, oh, I'm going into a parking garage so I know I'll lose you, I'll call you back when I get inside. Well, that was Saturday about 12:15 PM and no call back--I guess he's still in the garage, LOL! Needless to say, I won't be seeing him again even if he does call me at some point. So, as I said--way too much benefit of the doubt!

But I'm having issues with the new guy as well because while he does call me every day (often several times a day) and we see each other 2-3 times a week, there have been far too many times in the short time we've been dating where he has not called when he says he was going to or has committed to getting together then cancelled at the last minute. I'm just not good with that type of thing--it makes me feel I can't trust anything he says when he doesn't do what he says he's going to plus I feel let down and disappointed. But OTOH, he is calling frequently and we are seeing each other quite a bit. I can't quite decide what to do--but I'm definitely leaning towards taking a step back and revisiting the exclusive thing with him.

Sheri

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