It amazes me, the lack of compassion
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 08-23-2007 - 4:59pm |
Hi there single friends!
I know on this board we often talk about friendships because they are so important especially when you are single.
I am just amazed at the lack of compassion for those who are alone or might be lonely.
Yesterday I was on the phone with a new girlfriend of mine. We were talking about another older gal we both know of who is in dance with us. "J" (my friend on the phone) said "Oh, and "C" seems so needy! She always seems like she needs companionship or someone to talk to". She said it as if it was a terrible faux pas or sin.
I was shocked to say the least and was inwardly bothered by her comments. Inside I was wondering if I ever committed the "terrible" sin of wanting someone to talk to or be with. I know I have, many times in my life. *GASP!* The way she said it was like it was this terrible, terrible attribute in a person. Almost like having a terrible communicable disease.
After she said that, I actually felt more for "C" the gal "J" was talking about. "C" is a very attractive woman in her 40's who is single and kind of poor. She also does not have family. She did seem to like to talk when you got her on the phone or in person but it didn't seem *needy* to me. She just wanted to talk! I am like "so what"? What is wrong with needing/wanting to talk and wanting company? Isn't that how we get our needs met?
The whole thing made me mildly angry. My friend "J", although a very fun person, is not very compassionate. I wonder if she'll ever be needy in her life and be wanting to talk and be rejected because of it. I wonder what made her ever think that was a horrible quality? I wondered when she would get a "compassion chip" implanted in her brain so that when she comes across someone like that, she is nice, and listens to them without judging. I really wish I had spoken up when I was on the phone with her. I wish I said something like "Oh, I don't think it's bad if someone wants someone to talk to, I don't think it's bad at all, it's very natural". I wish I said something just to get her to think. Another wrinkle..."J" has an active family life. "C" does not. I often wonder if "J" would be more compassionate if she understood how hard it is to not have family. I wonder if this even crossed her mind.
This whole experience made me realize that there are definitely two groups of people out there. There are the people who you can admit and express your needs, sadness and loneliness to them and who won't run away and hate you for it. And then there are those who you cannot. You have to make sure all the time you are not coming across as needy and to pretend that you are never sad or lonely. I never saw it so clearly as I do now.
I am very glad I am one of the people in the prior group.

Pages
I was told not to be too needy by my older brother who read my blog because I will scare away the relationship I desire.
For me I am being honest about what is going on inside of me at the moment. There is neediness as a characteristic of a person versus feeling needy at the moment.
Whether the people judge you/me on being needy or tall or sad or dumb or .. whatever, it's what people do. They judge you on qualities that they are afraid of themselves. I learned that all judgment is self judgment for it bothered you then that aspect is a part of you as well.
By definition I have friends are ones that do not judge me (or at least they don't show or say it). If they judge others then I know that that judgment will eventually turn on me as well.
Mark
"Whether the people judge you/me on being needy or tall or sad or dumb or .. whatever, it's what people do. They judge you on qualities that they are afraid of themselves. I learned that all judgment is self judgment for it bothered you then that aspect is a part of you as well."
I agree that how people judge others they judge themselves. "J" is probably very afraid of her own neediness.
However, what part is "mine"? Yes, I was slightly offended by "J" and decided I will not share with her much and keep our relationship only on a fun level. But what judgement, are you judging, that I hold? I really am very understanding to those who are lonely. I don't feel judgmental towards "C" at all...and I don't feel there is anything wrong with needing to talk. In fact, when it comes to online dating and I hear others being hard on other online daters...I want to remind them to be kind because they want others to be kind to them as well, no?
Logic: Judging the judger makes me a judger as well.
My practice is not so much judging others (including the judger) but focusing on acceptance, compassion, and understanding.
I see that different from honoring my preferences. I can choose not to associate with people that are not congruent with my values. That can be labelled as "judging."
Mark
Well, I was sharing a situation that has been discussed before.
As for judging...yes, I judge "J" for not being kinder. I do. I fully admit to it. I think it is indicative of her maturity and kindness level. No doubt. In fact, as much as I have fun with her, and value her for the things we share, I don't respect her as much. While feeling this I can also step back and think "J" is like this because she has fears herself.
But this wasn't what this thread was about. I was writing to express my disappointment in others. It just makes me sad that those who are needing some kindness often suffer the double whammy of being looked down upon as being "too needy". It's just sad, that's all.
K
Smile,
Deirdre
I totally agree with everything you stated in your post and I appreciate you posting it. I would be one of those people that many would consider needy and dependent. I feel much happier when I have good, close friendships and people to share my life with than live it all alone all the time. And it is a double whammy. In real life, I have to present myself as confident, self-assured and totally independent for fear of scaring away potential relationships and friendships with percieved "neediness". On the other hand, it is those relationships I seek and crave so much that it plain sucks to have to cover my true feelings and put on an act.
People like your friend J obviously do not know what it is like to have no family or close friends and how completely alienating it can feel and how it can weigh on one's self esteem as it has mine. Besides the tight relationship I had with my late father, I've never had a close family bond with any other member of my family and my friends right now are all I have. Holidays, birthdays, graduations, celebrations, it falls on them to do things with me and when they can't make it, I'm left completely alone. nd it sucks.
I honestly think the next time she brings it up (or perhaps you), you should say something. I'm sure if you do and she sees that you really mean it, she'll either backpedal denying her words or give in and agree,
Either way, she should be enlightened.
2 cents from a needy, family-less, friend-dependent little spinster.
It sounds like your friend J is spoiled.
I too am a person who wants deep friendships in which I can fully disclose my feelings (good and bad) and they do the same. I used to think everyone felt that way, but they don't.
I too try to hide my "neediness" so that I don't turn people off. I really don't think I'm needy, but I sure don't want to come off that way. For instance, if I invite a girlfriend to do something, I really need her to invite me the next time. I don't mind inviting twice in a row, and I think in really close friendships that should be OK, but again, I don't want to appear needy. I've also learned that there are friends you really can't be too revealing with: it makes them very uncomfortable.
Also, extraverts (as described by the Myers-Briggs profile) in general have a broader definition of a friend. They tend to want breadth of experience whereas the introvert wants depth. I have a relatively new friend who is an extravert (guess which I am). I was at lunch with her not too long after I met her, and she got a call on her cell phone. It was her sister and she said, "I'm sitting here with a dear, dear friend." That's nice, but I thought "We hardly know each other."
But it's also OK to have friendships that aren't super deep, maybe it's an "activity" friend more than a confidante. I don't want to ALWAYS spill my guts, not even with my close friends. BUT, it's hard to have no one to confide in, and more shallow friendships really can't take the place of that.
I think loneliness is more wide-spread in our society than people realize, and I think it's a real problem.
By definition, human beings ARE needy. We have needs. Those include food, water, sex, shelter -- and people. Companionship, friendship, love -- those all make for happier, healthier individuals. Why do you think they have done so many studies on it?
Yes, there will be a time in J's life when she feels lonely. She may be married with kids and feel very full right now, but there are always seasons in life when you're not connecting with your spouse or whatever and just plain need a friend. I hope she learns the lesson one day.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I will definitely say something next time. I can't believe I didn't speak up.
What in the world is wrong with wanting someone to talk to? There are tons of people, many of them older women, who just want someone to listen to them. I look at it like an opportunity to give a gift. That gift is one of listening to another, and just giving them a little bit of time.
I used to take these senior bus trips with my mother. I actually enjoyed them a lot. My mom often sat with a lonely senior. One time that senior just talked and talked my mom's ear off. But my mom was very understanding and sweet. She knows they just need someone to chat with. She listens and just is sweet about it. I love her so much for that.
I appreciate all of your thoughtful posts. You ladies are so great.
Soliel
Edited 8/24/2007 1:07 pm ET by lv2breathe
Pages