I really want a boyfriend but.........
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| Sun, 08-26-2007 - 11:48am |
I have no confidence when it comes to dating.
I'm 27 and have only had one relationship which ended badly. I've been single for 3 years now and would really like to meet someone. Or at least I think I would. I had a heart to heart with my mom yesterday and she feels that the reason I'm single is cos I'm scared of commitment and letting men get close to me.
Some things that have happened recently which may give you an idea of what I'm like.
1) I developed a very strong crush on a male friend of mine. The thing is he isn't my type physically and to be honest we don't even get on that well. He just gets under my skin when I see him and I'm frustrated that he dates other women. But he is SO wrong for me and I don't understand where these feelings have come from. It's like I get crushes on unobtainable men (I also seem to be attracted to gay men) and then profess that all men only want to be friend or just have no strings sex with me.
2) I've been speed dating and several guys tick the 'date' box. But when they want to meet up, I get cold feet and cancel. I also would like to try internet dating but the thought of meeting up with a stranger scares me.
Have you any idea how I can deal with these issues?

I know exactly what you mean. I was in a three year relationship that ended with my ex and I agreeing to be friends but it never worked out that way and although we still occasionally see each other we're not officially dating which makes the situation even more complicated than it should be. Although we differ on the big relationship issues like marriage and kids I still find myself drawn to him because we have good chemistry.
I have friends who are always trying to fix me up and I agree to go on the dates but nothing ever really works out. I'm supposed to have another blind date over the next few weeks maybe but I find myself just not caring and feeling like I have to force myself to do this for my own good, like taking an awful tasting medicine that may be unpleasant but will help me in the long run. I'm thinking about just cancelling this date because I don't know how into it I really am-- and I get the feeling the guy may not really be my type anyway.
In my case I don't think I really have a commitment issue-- it's that I'm just afraid of opening up to and eventually commiting to the wrong guy. It doesn't sound like you have a real commitment problem either. I think when someone doesn't find a husband ASAP after college friends and family like to label it a commitment issue because they don't know what else to make of it. Maybe I'm just too inflexible with certain requirements for the man I want to date and eventually marry. I don't know.
How can you try to deal with your issue here? The way I've been doing it is just by taking babysteps into the dating pool. If you go speed dating and there are a few guys interested in dating you, pick maybe one or two you think you'd really like to get to know better (instead of going out with all say five or six). If you're really not up to dating a lot you're only going to end up feeling like dating is just one big terrible chore and that's not good so limit the number of dates you go on for a while. I have friends always telling me that it's a numbers game but I hate that term because then it really starts to sound and feel like a chore.
In the end, if you just aren't into dating for a while-- which can be a hard thing to admit to friends and family because of the social pressures to date and get married-- maybe it's best just to focus on other things, like booking a few good vacations, spending more time with single friends and agreeing not to discuss dating too much, maybe even picking up and moving somewhere new if it's possible. It might be helpful to temporarily avoid people who pressure you into dating, ie, married friends who always want to fix you up. You may just need to clear your head for a while before really dedicating yourself to dating again.
I agree with citygal - get over the cold feet and just go out on some dates. Anything new is always a little scary, but just think of it as meeting a friend for a casual coffee or a drink. You only need to commit to one hour - then, if you like the guy and feel comfortable with him, maybe you can stay longer.
The guys you think are "all wrong for you" might just surprise you. You never really know until you spend some time with people.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
It has better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. That quote is famous for a reason. The reason it's true is because it prevents you from having to spend the rest of your life wondering "what if ?". My friend is in her first relationship and I think you 2 have a lot in common. She will spend some time with a man but then stop returning his phone calls. And the only men she seems to be interested in are the ones who will clearly lead her to nothing but a dead end. The only advice I can give you (which I've had to use on her several times) is...LET GO LET GO LET GO !!! Let's say you meet a man, you spend a couple of years together, and then he leaves you or you're forced to leave him because you realise he is definitely not someone you'd like to spend the rest of your life with. So what ? Are you not still in 1 piece ? Do you not still have your friends and family ? Men are only a part of your life and the rest of your life will always be there no matter what happens between the 2 of you. Not only that but the relationship will have helped you grow as a person, learn more as to what you are and are not looking for in a man, given you better skills in being a girlfriend, allowed you to meet new people, and tons of memories and GOOD times. It will also put you that much closer to meeting the right man. And how do you necessarily know things are going to go sour anyway ? What if you miss out on a wonderful person simply because you were afraid ? You have to put yourself out on a limb to get things back in life. Don't sell yourself short just because you're afraid. There is someone out there for you but you'll never meet them if you don't push yourself a little.
ps. About your crush...if you already feel it's a bad idea then it is. Go with your gut and leave it be. If he's your friend he'll be around anyway.