why do looks matter so much to guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
why do looks matter so much to guys?
29
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 2:49pm

I have posted on this board once before for advice on what to do when guys just don't go for you. Basically, Im almost 30 and although I think I have a lot to offer and have a lot of friends both guy and girl, I know I am not the "prettiest girl at the dance" to use that expression. Even when I asked my best friend who is always honest with me, she would not give me a straight answer. I dont blame her, im sure she felt bad. By the way its not a weight issue - I am actually pretty slim - I guess its just looks.

The last year or so has been very very hard for me because I see lots of friends settling down etc. or at the very least meeting people, while I pretty much am invisible to the oppposite sex. I try things like hair/makeup to improve my appearance but it hasnt gotten me any results. Its so hurtful when Im out and I see a cute scanning the room and Im passed over in a split second even when I think "wow maybe I look good tonight". I tried online dating a few times, but, you guessed it, as soon as I send a pic I never hear from the guy again.

Of course I know looks matter, but I dont know how to cope with it since its such a problem in my life.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 2:58pm

Hmm...I'm not the prettiest woman either--I'm reasonably attractive but I wouldn't say more than a 6 or 7 on a 10 point scale ;-). Plus I *do* have weight issues so that comes into play also.

That said, I get dates pretty regularly with men who (apparently) find me attractive. And some of them are really good-looking themselves (I think) which always suprises me, but I figure what the heck, attraction is attraction and there's no figuring it out!

Your pool of men who are potentially attracted to you may be smaller than someone who is an 8 or 9, but it still exists. Look at how many somewhat attractive and not very attractive people are married or in relationships, for one thing!

One thing I'm wondering about--are you so focused on the proverbial "cute guy" not noticing you, that you don't notice the less cute but still reasonably attractive guy who IS noticing you?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 3:13pm
To me, it sounds like a confidence issue. If you think you're unattractive, men are probably going to sense the vulnerability and either use it to their advantage, or not approach you at all. I really haven't changed ALL that much appearance-wise over the past few years, but four years ago, I thought my ex was pretty much the best I could do (horrible I know) and that I was average at best. Over the past two or so years, my confidence has skyrocketed (though I'm not full of myself or anything), and I notice a whole lot more men looking my way and seem to get more dates than I did before. Still, though, I have my ruts, no matter how cute I think I am. :) I haven't had a date in...nine months? It happens!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 3:15pm

Wrong question. The right question is "why do looks matter ?". Looks matter as much to women as it does to men, just that women don't think its 'proper' to emphasize looks. After all, women go for substance, right ? Bunk. Look closely and their eyes wander as much as men's.

Read your own post again -- "Its so hurtful when I'm out and I see a cute scanning the room .."

You noticed the fact that he is cute and was hoping you would get noticed by this 'cute'. You didn't, so you felt hurt. Do you feel just as hurt when a non-cute passes you over ?

So go ahead. Ask the right question. Then I will give you my take.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 3:49pm

Looks do matter .... as well as a lot of other things. However to get noticed it is one's looks I believe. I do find that it takes more than just looks.

I have a friend who is the hottest looking woman I have ever met personally and I am not attracted to her. I find there is so much to a woman, her confidence, her sensuality, her personality (duh), etc. in order for her to be attractive.

And yes, I would not have met her if she was not first physically attractive.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 3:54pm

1) I think looks matter a lot to everybody.

2) I consider myself and all of my friends very attractive, some of them gorgeous and all single and can't even get one man. So please don't feel bad. Dating seems to be tough for all types of people these days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 4:00pm

>>Wrong question. The right question is "why do looks matter ?". Looks matter as much to women as it does to men, just that women don't think its 'proper' to emphasize looks. After all, women go for substance, right ? Bunk. Look closely and their eyes wander as much as men's.

I actually do agree, but that attraction matters to everyone, not looks. It's semantics, but looks implies that stereotypical good looks matter, which I don't think they do. Whomever you find attractive, you find attractive, no changing that (though some people try to). Women have just been taught that it's shallow to take looks into consideration...of course emotional and mental attraction only add to physical attraction and, in the long run, matter more (to people with any depth whatsoever).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 9:42pm
You are right guys are visual people and sadly popular culture has caused many men even plain ones believe they have to be with a "model chick" as a status. I remember a college professor saying once that even though every culture has a beauty standard or ideal, it has not meant that people who do not meet the ideal are left behind, that would lead to the end of civilation. Basically there is someone for everyone, I choose to believe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:54am

I just sort of have a feeling that you're not completely right about your looks. Relationships are not uncommon, and they are certainly not something reserved for those in the top 10, 15, or even 75 percentile of hotness! "Pretty" people may get noticed more, but I don't think it means they have higher-quality or even more relationships.

I feel quite confident that there are at least a few men who would find you lovely. I understand the feeling of being passed over or invisible, but I think everyone feels that way sometimes. Don't sell yourself short.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 3:08am
I think alot of times those "hottie" girls get noticed because they put themselves out there more. Also, if you feel confident others can somehow feed off that. I know i get more attention on days i feel good about myself then when i feel like crap. It's not you. Everyone is beautiful to others because we all have our own tastes. Look closer when youre out. You'll see alot of miss matched couples!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 11:10am
LOL I get noticed more when I am wearing no makeup with my hair up in a clip and in shorts and a teeshirt walking around in the grocery store. I don't get the phenomenon. Maybe it's the competition thing when I want to be noticed, I hardly am, maybe because there are 50 other women competing for the male attention and the men are on censory overload but when I am at the grocery store walking around...jeez the ego boost I get.

Smile,

Deirdre

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