Interesting Dates...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Interesting Dates...
10
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 1:50pm

After being single for what seems like an eternity, I've decided to give dating multiple men a try. I signed up online through a dating website and have experienced several dates thus far, but nothing could have prepared me for what I experienced this past Friday night....

I met this guy at my job about two months ago (I work at an Americanized chain restauraunt) and we had been talking on the phone ever since. After ditching me for plans several times, I decided to give up.Lo and behold, he finally made concrete plans to go to dinner this past Friday night. Before we went out, he called me to find out where we should go to eat. He then proceeds to ask me "Do you still work at your restauraunt?? You get a discount there right?? We should go there for dinner." I was a little frustrated by this comment, but decided to go ahead and give the date a try anyways. Once at the restauraunt, one of the first things out of my date's mouth was "We can get a lot of stuff for $40.00 right?? I wasint able to cash my first paycheck, so my Mom had to give me $40.00" I could have understood this if he was 16, but the fact of the matter is, this man is almost 26 years old. So I sat there and ate soup and salad while el cheapo order a steak. And you wonder why I havent called him back =)

Anyone else have any interesting date stories??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 2:21pm

Mine isn't a dating story, but it involves going out to lunch with a male (gay) coworker. We go to the restaurant, and once at the restaurant, he said "yes, you are buying, right? For my birthday?" So fine, I did mention I would treat him to lunch for his birthday, but at all the times I suggested it, before we actually went, he kept saying "oh, that's ok, you don't have to buy me lunch..." Once there, though, that WAS what he expected. I agreed, then he proceeded to order the most expensive thing on the menu.

So now that it was my birthday just a bit ago, he keeps *claiming* he is taking me out to lunch...and flaking on every date to do so. I just think that it is funny how when he is being treated, he will keep the commitment, but when he is not getting a free lunch, he keeps flaking on the commitment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 3:42pm

>>Anyone else have any interesting date stories??

Yes I do. I met this chick online ( I refer to her as a chick because I lost all respect for her)..have a lot of things in common. We email back and forth several times. I ask her out, take her to a nice restaurant. Wine & dine her, both have a great time talking about everything under the sun. Follow up with more emails and calls. Then we meet for coffee at a bookstore. Again spend hours talking about everything. I invite her to my place for a night of movie and wine and snacks. Great time on the couch -- cuddling and stuff, but no more. A gentleman such as I, resists the temptation to let his hand descend below the upper body (being the first time we met in privacy) Anyway, after the movie she leaves. We follow up again, meet at the same bookstore/ coffee house but this time she was a little less friendly. I mean she wasn't discourteous or anything but the exuberance of the previous meetings weren't there. This was last Wednesday. This Sunday I get a pithy email from her -- and here it is Verbatim :

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I have discovered a pattern among most women on dating sites. Because men outnumber women several fold, most women aren't out looking for a partner at all. They are out there deal hunting. Waiting for a better deal to come along while they are with the present. I know this because even while we were 'going out' she would routinely log onto her account and spend a good hour on it each day.

Here are my new rules :

1) For the first, second and maybe even third dates, we go DUTCH. Once the woman has to shell out some money from her own pocket she will know she has at least some monetary stake in the 'partnership'(pre-relationship).

2) Date the traditional way. That's right. Not just meet people the traditional way, even go as far to avoid those who have online ads. Online deal hunters, and they are all women because it's a woman's market out there, have the "lets see if I can do still better" mentality. Screw that.




Edited 9/5/2007 1:48 am ET by capegirardeau
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 3:54pm

Ok, what was wrong with what she said? It sounds like she was genuine about letting you she didn't think you were a match. Why does that make her a rhymes with witch?

Not everyone you go out with is going to be a match for you. That doesn't make those people wrong or bad. That's what dating is all about, finding someone who's a good match for you! She gave it a shot, she thought you might be, and she ultimately decided you weren't--what's wrong with that? Have you honestly never decided someone wasn't right for you after 3 or more dates?

And if you didn't want to pay for a nice dinner the first time you went out, you should have made the first date for coffee or lunch!

You will send the wrong message if you insist on going dutch (that you want to be friends or that you're cheap). Much better to treat someone to a cup of coffee and a few inexpensive lunches or dinners at first if you don't want to invest a lot of money before you figure out whether you're a match.

But calling someone the B word because they nicely let you know that the two of you are not a match--that's not good.

Sheri

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 4:22pm

I totally agree with previous poster.

And your statement: "...most women aren't out looking for a partner at all. They are out there deal hunting. Waiting for a better deal to come along while they are with the present." Man, I just don't agree with you. Just as many women could accuse men of being players, only wanting sex. I think, in general, women are much more sincere on online dating sites, and I think very few of them are just "deal hunting." I can assure you it is not a woman's market. There would be dozens of women on these boards that would agree with me on this point.

Sure, your ego gets bruised when someone you'd like to see again blows you off. Especially when you thought it was going so well. I can assure you that many women experience the same phenomenon.

And, yes, yes, please just meet them for coffee. Frankly, I feel uncomfortable meeting a man from an online site for an expensive dinner for the first time. Plus, I think a man who insists on going dutch comes across as cheap and unromantic. Sorry, but that's just how it is. OF COURSE after you're more or less in a relationship, then a woman should definitely pay.

And finally, I would be a little uncomfortable going to a man's place on the third date. But maybe that's just me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 11:20pm

There was nothing wrong in what she said, just that it was so abrupt and it came without warning. For all I know she may have been planning this all along. My first clue should have been the fact that she was extremely active on the dating site the whole month we were going out.

I don't know if anyone can tell, probably not, but I have an enormous ego. I suppose its part of being a man. And when it gets bruised, it really gets bruised :( and I am left licking my wounds.




Edited 9/5/2007 1:50 am ET by capegirardeau
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 8:50am

I can definately understand your frustration on some levels. The fact that you both went on several dates, spent hours talking on the phone about everything, and got to know each other pretty well from what it seems like, I would be kind of upset too. In my opinon, when you meet someone and talk for hours on the phone, it signals some sort of connection. I judge one of my main connection factors with someone if I'm able to talk to them for long periods of time. I've met several men; some of which I can talk to for hours, others which I can barely hold a conversation with, and the ones I can hold a decent conversation with are one's that I always end up pursuing.

On the retrospect, as far as the whole paying dutch thing goes, I dont think it's a smart move. Maybe once you get to know the person and are in a relationship it's okay, but on the first date, I don't think it's a great idea. I always feel bad about having my date pay for the meal, but, If I'm out with a guy who expects me to pay, I pretty much expect that he only wants to be friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 12:00pm

>>Sure, your ego gets bruised when someone you'd like to see again blows you off. Especially when you thought it was going so well. I can assure you that many women experience the same phenomenon.

YES. Pretty much EVERY women I know has experienced this with flaky guys who often don't even tell us! At least she had the decency to tell you (I read this after you'd deleted the e-mail text, but I'm getting the gist from other posters). Most dating experiences end after a couple/few dates. If they didn't, we'd all be in relationships all the time.

So be angry for a while (regardless whether or not she did something wrong, it is natural...I've definitely has some irrational anger before :) ), but don't let that one experience affect others. And sure, take a woman to coffee or something inexpensive on the first couple dates, but DON'T make her pay. You wouldn't get beyond a first date with me. It's not about money, because I really couldn't give a damn if a man has money and can support me (and buying coffee doesn't really say that anyway); I'm fine supporting myself, thanks very much. It's about courtesy and the last little sliver of chivalry left.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 12:03pm

>>In my opinon, when you meet someone and talk for hours on the phone, it signals some sort of connection. I judge one of my main connection factors with someone if I'm able to talk to them for long periods of time.

Yeah, but this early, it could have been a friendly connection. I've been on dates with guys that I can talk to (truth be told, I can get along/talk for hours with most people) for hours, but there's just no spark there. Perhaps she was giving you the benefit of the doubt BECAUSE she liked you a lot, but just never felt that indescribable spark. It happens, unfortunately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 12:08pm
I read on another forum that reviews online dating sites (think it's edatereview.com or something like that) where a guy got so mad after being rejected after the first date that he sent the woman an "invoice" for $25 ! LOL. And a couple of weeks later he actually received a check in the mail for that amount. I couldn't stop laughing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 1:14pm
Geez, haha. :) Men and women can both be pieces of work, honestly.