Why follow up dates don't happen
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| Sun, 09-09-2007 - 2:05pm |
Anytime we engage in a selection process, we reject a lot more than we select. We may even select nothing, but we do reject.
When we are out shopping for clothes we may go through an entire rack trying them out one after the other before picking one we like. We may not even pick ANY. Women are especially notorious in this regard. They are fickle, unable to make up their minds and keep vacillating between alternatives. And even in the rare occasion when they do make up their minds (somewhat), they immediately start looking for flaws and the next day it's promptly returned to the store for an exchange. Curiously, if the same piece of clothing were to be received as a gift with no possibility of comparing, selecting or exchanging, most would be happy with it. I know this from observing my mother (whom I love dearly btw)
Online dating is first and foremost a catalog scan for the prettiest faces (men AND women alike). Because every person is now reduced to a 1"x1" icon with all pictures at one place, the rejection happens swiftly. The bulk of the below average (or 'scary') faces are quickly passed by as people move on to the 'decent' lookers. Even the "ugly" are now looking only at the "beautiful". But this is not the point.
When people actually DO go out on a date, especially those who met online, it's not really a traditional date where people are out only to enjoy each other's company. The brains are passively, and even actively, engaged in a selection process, studying facial features, bodily attributes, manners, sensor of humor and looking for that much hallowed "spark". Goes without saying that any spark whatsoever fails to ignite.
Let me say this again: This is NOT a date. It may look like one, feel like one, but ISN'T. You were picked out of a catalog and asked to appear based on a short resume; well, mostly because of a photograph. The person you are with is not trying to see if he or she will be happy with you, but whether you are the best of the lot. Sounds cynical but it's true for the most part. You are just a shirt being tried on in a fitting room. It's a self defeating prophecy. As long as we are holding a shirt in our hands even if it's one that we like, why would we head straight to the checkout without trying out the rest in the rack ? Why not try a different section, a different store, a different mall, or, (ha ha) online ?? When we are paying for it why settle for anything but the best we can afford ? It's not about being happy with what we are holding, it's about wondering whether we are getting the best return on our investment. The investment being us, or what -we- think we are worth.
Thus, the 'date' ends, and at least one of the two heads back to his or her computer to check for new messages and conduct a new search.
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Most couples/friends I know who are married happily are those who bumped into each other somewhere, started hanging around, grew to like each other, I suppose like turned to love at some point and eventually went on to the next step. They weren't out 'spark hunting', looking for the brightest spark. I think catalog dating dehumanizes people and is actually counter productive.
Edited 9/9/2007 6:32 pm ET by capegirardeau

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I agree with you that the first meet isn't a date--it's a meet, to see if there's any connection in person. But I don't agree that there's never any spark--I've had plenty of sparks happen with guys I've met online, and even some relationships that lasted anywhere from 2-18 months (but ultimately one of the issues that I enumerated in my post to you last week came up, or we just ended up finding out we were incompatible).
And I personally hate shopping ;-), so if I find a shirt that fits what I'm looking for (and I've decided in advance what that is), I'll take it rather than continuing to look. The same is true for me in dating--if I find someone who has the qualities I'm looking for (and we've dated for long enough for me to feel reasonably confident that he really has those qualities, it's not just me projecting them onto him), then I will happily agree to date him exclusively and see where things go.
But by the same token, if the person doesn't have what I'm looking for, then I'll keep looking. It's not that I'm fickle and can't make up my mind--quite the opposite. I know what I'm looking for, I've given lots of consideration to whether those things are reasonable and have decided that they are, and I'd rather be single than be with someone who doesn't have the qualities I am looking for and/or who isn't looking for the same type of relationship I want.
Sheri
How long does it take for you to judge whether a person has those qualities ? One date, two dates.. three ? And how much time do you put in ?
My issue is with the passive interrogation setting under which you have to get to know a person, and then after one or two such "sessions" to arrive at a decision whether to continue seeing the person or move on to another. When there is a big supply of potential daters out there, such as an album full of eager young men or women, the temptation is always to see more flaws or flaws where none exist, to justify moving on quickly. For example, the last girl I went out with wrote to me in an email (again today) that she had a great time with me (of course she did, she better have) , great conversations (again I totally agree), but just couldn't see us getting involved romantically because a certain attraction wasn't there. I know this is utter B.S. She was having an absolutely fabulous time unless I was totally imagining it. A girl like this would normally never get the time of day from me, but in her case I am (still) feeling a loss because she happens to be exceptionally talented. Lookswise she is not a stand out, but her talent just sings. Literally.
But I did learn an important lesson though. I am never again going to use the setting of an elaborate date as a first meeting or a getting-to-know session. I think only people who know and trust each other should go on proper dates so they can savor their moment together. In fact, I would even say blind dates are not a good idea in general. No, let me take that back. It depends on how we define date. Going for a walk in the park could be considered a date and could actually be more productive in terms of getting to know, than say having dinner together. I am not saying traditional blind dates are altogether a bad idea. After all George Stephanopoulos did meet his hot blond to-be wife at one and proposed soon after. But his was likely an exception.
Edited 9/10/2007 3:16 am ET by capegirardeau
More like 4-6 months, actually--I think the first 3 months of dating or so are the "best foot forward" period even for the most open, sincere people out there so you don't really start to get to know the real person until you've been dating for at least that long. Someone can appear to be honest, for example, but until we've been dating for a good long time, I can't really know whether he is or not.
But of course dealbreakers can and do surface much earlier. And you can have a fabulous time with someone and still not feel you're a good match romantically. Spark is a funny thing, but in my experience, it's either there, or it's not. I know I've given guys more than 1 date in the hopes it would surface, because they seemed like good guys and I *wanted* to feel it, but it rarely does surface if it's not there in the first place (for me anyway--I know other women have had different experiences).
I think the kid in a candy store mentality is much more common if you're new to OLD. If you've been doing it for a while, you know that the chances of finding someone you really hit it off with are not all that great, so you don't tend to move on if you meet someone who seems to have potential. I think that's especially true among women in my age group--if we find someone who doesn't appear to have one of the issues I listed previously (and of course other women may have other dealbreakers but the ones I listed are fairly universal among my group of friends), and we feel a spark for him--he's golden ;-).
Coffee and a walk is one of my preferred first meets, so yes, I think that's a great idea.
Sheri
Can you (or someone) define 'sparks' for me please? I hear this word along with 'chemistry' all the time, and I have sort of a vague idea but I am looking for their exact meanings.
I know two people can have a jolly good time talking about all kinds of things, especially similar or shared experiences, mutual likes or dislikes, exchanging witty retorts( which by the way I think is important. Humor lost on the other person signals a disconnect ), but at what point do we say the 'spark' begins to emerge? It's always women I find using these words in their ads, there has to be the spark, there has to be chemistry'. And since these are so "binary", meaning they are either there or aren't but never in varying amounts, I am even more curious to know what they mean.
Edited 9/10/2007 11:06 am ET by capegirardeau
For me, it's two-fold--there's the strong physical attraction component and a "wow, this person is so much fun to be with, I can't wait to see them again" component. Both have to be there for me to feel there is a "spark". I've often found one or the other (and have become platonic friends with several guys in the latter category over the years I've been dating) but to find both is relatively rare.
But honestly, I bet you could ask 50 different people what "spark" is to them, and get 50 different answers.
Sheri
you crack me up! I liked your description of online selection .. I agree. My BF who is mid forties never even tried on line dating all these years and remained single mostly just because he says he cant imagine trying to impress a woman on a first date also he says "nothing good can come online"..and he is not the kind to go and "try" to meet a woman or go to bars and clubs..a typical geek.
anyways he is so shy and kinda reserved but very intelligent and smart.
Guess what after all these years of being "truly single" I came in to work n the office..literally dragged him out and dated and I think he has got the best gal :-). I think we have a great relationship and there was no scanning or selection..
Yes, that list.
What is "spark"???
You are either going to love or hate my answer...but it's too cute and funny to share.
I really don't feel as cynical as you about dating and online dating.
Interesting. That's the exact same question in the minds of both the guy and the girl.
The girl's wondering if she would go to bed with him. And the guy's wondering if she would go to bed with him.
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