platonic friends- when does it bug you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
platonic friends- when does it bug you?
6
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 9:41am

Years ago I dated a guy who had a lot of female friends. I didn't mind at first but sometimes it got annoying when I would be visiting him and he would be on the phone with one of them for too long, or he would have to do a favor for one and it would interfere with our plans.

I recently went out on a few dates with someone who whenever he talks about his friends he says "she." I'm starting to think, oh, no, here we go again, another one of these... but then again, I don't want to be difficult about it because I'm 99% sure my ex never cheated on me with any of them and he also introduced me to them as well and some of them had boyfriends.

Where do you draw the line with friends of the opposite sex? When it is appropriate to say, "Hey Jack, I realize she's a friend but could you please step aside and let another man solve her problems."

The situation also sometimes leads me to wonder, if a guy has so many female friends then why is he single, why isn't he dating them? Is there a reason none of them are dating him? What do they know about him that I don't know?

And to the guys out there, how do you handle your female friends when you have a girlfriend? And does it ever bug you when a girlfriend's friends are all male?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 10:14am

When it is appropriate to say, "Hey Jack, I realize she's a friend but could you please step aside and let another man solve her problems."


It appears to me that you are only looking at his friend as a woman, and not as a friend. Would you feel this way if he was doing the same thing and it was a man or male friends? A friend is a friend, to me it sounds like he is a good friend. Why would it have to be a man to "solve her problems", can't a friend help solve problems?


I have several male friends, I work in a male environment and honestly I just usually get along better with men. Doesn't mean I want to date them, it means I enjoy their company, and hanging out with them. It's also nice to have friends of the opposite sex to talk to about things. They help me out on "manly" things and I help them out with "womanly" things. Like I helped a friend when he got an apartment, we went shopping and decorated it together. He helped me when my lawn mower was broken. We also enjoy getting together and drinking beer to watch football. None of my girlfriends are into that, and I enjoy it.


Unless things have crossed the line, I don't think there is anything wrong with it.


Amie

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 11:43am

Unless it's clear from their behavior that one or both of them have feelings for the other person, or unless he hides his interaction with his friends from me, I don't have a problem with a guy having female friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 1:49pm

You both have great points. Thanks!

I also ask about this subject because I've had platonic male friends fall off the face of the earth on me after they got married and I assume it's because they just don't see it as appropriate to call me much anymore or have a deep friendship with me when there's a wife in the picture. Neither of them I was attracted to really but still, they stopped talking to me. At this point in my life I find that I have very few straight male friends with girlfriends or wives. Two of them I met through work and we see each other once in a blue moon for lunch, maybe 3 times a year tops. Although I consider them friends for some reason I'd still see it as imposing on them and their marriage if I called them too much or demanded a lot of the friendship, especially since they met me after they got married. I just feel like it would be a little disrespectful to the wife if I kept on taking her husband away from her for my own social needs, but maybe that's just me.

Still, yes, you're totally right that it definitely demonstrates that they see women as more than sex objects which is certainly a breath of fresh air that should be appreciated.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 1:56pm

That sounds like apples and oranges to me--what's appropriate in friendships with guys who have been married since you've known them, vs friendships with single guys where one or both of you get into a relationship after your friendship is established.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 5:21pm

I have to agree with both Sheri and I pleadthefifth would you be saying the same thing if he was going off to help a male friend??

I think it might be you that is getting hung up on the gender of the "friend" and not really seeing the friend aspect of it.

I too will help a friend in need whether female or male and I have some male friends that are married that their wives don't care if they call me, heck my female friends husbands kiss me hello half the time. If someone has a good relationship they shouldn't feel threatened by a friendship.

My friend Mike's wife invites all his female friends to get together's and most of us are single she is not threatened at all, she's fantastic. She is so secure in their relationship as well as she should be he loves her to pieces and he has had female friends for years, one of which fixed the two of them up so if it weren't for his female friends they would have never met.

If a friendship is platonic than you shouldn't have anything to worry about.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2007
Sat, 09-22-2007 - 1:14am

I agree with you, iv_nancy1000.