Help - want to call the ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Help - want to call the ex
21
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 5:21pm

For some unknown reason, I have this overwhelming urge today to call my ex-bf. We haven't spoken a word in three years.

I have no idea where this feeling came from, and I hate that I still wonder about him and his life.

Please, talk me out of it!

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 5:36pm

Hmmm....maybe it's not so bad that you do call. I guess it depends. If he really broke your heart and was a real horse's a*s, nah, don't call him. If it were a more amicable break up, maybe it's OK to call. I know I'm not helping.

Personally, I have way too much pride. I've never called an ex BF, but maybe I'm too much of a hard a*s. If you think calling him will stir up too many feelings, or if you feel you will be tempted to re-enter a bad relationship with him, don't call.

Maybe an email instead?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 5:48pm
Don't. Your urge has nothing to do with your ex. You are just feeling low today and you are looking for a familiar fix. Let is pass. Your mood will come back up.


Edited 9/26/2007 5:49 pm ET by capegirardeau
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 5:53pm
A little back story -- long-term relationship. We dated 2.5 years, broke up for 8 months. Got back together, dated another 2.5 years. Eight months later, he sort of stalked me and tried to get me back again. I wanted nothing to do with him at the time and never agreed to see him or speak with him. (He initiated the breakups both times).

It's not really that there's bad blood, but definitely a whole lot of emotions.

So, to want to talk to him after three years is a little odd. He's moved out of state, and I don't have his e-mail address (probably a good thing).

I think I'm just curious about what his life is like now - is he dating anyone? Married? I have no idea -- but it would probably crush me to know that anyway. That's why I need some sense knocked into me. :) Thankfully, I am not a drunk-dialer, or I would have called ages ago.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 5:54pm

I agree that an e-mail is better. It has been 3 years, so it won't seem like you're contacting him in an effort to restore the relationship. You were close at one time, so there's no reason you can't have an occasional email to just say hello and catch up.....as long as that's all you want it to be.

Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 5:57pm
OK, now reading this post, I'll take back my last one. If it would crush you to know he is seeing someone else, don't contact him. You can't hold on to the hope that he hasn't moved on and it seems like you haven't if his dating someone else would bother you that much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 6:02pm
>>...it seems like you haven't if his dating someone else would bother you that much. <<

Yeah, see, I think that's why I'm upset at my wanting to call him. I like to think that I HAVE moved on, but then I have moments like this one and I think maybe I haven't 100 percent.

That's annoying, and troubling. If I haven't been able to move on completely in three years, will I? Can I really let myself connect with and fall for someone else (which I want) if I haven't completely moved on?

SIGH. :(

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 6:22pm
>>Can I really let myself connect with and fall for someone else (which I want) if I haven't completely moved on?



You have it backwards. The only tried and tested way of moving on is to completely focus on and be involved with a new person. If you sit idly, watching TV and eating cereal for dinner while your mind drifts through old times, you will never move on. The more you think of your ex, the fresher the memory will remain and the harder it will be for you. Memory is like scars. Leave it alone and forget about it, it will heal. Keep prodding it, it won't. A new person keeps your mind engaged letting old memories fade.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 6:35pm
Same argument countless ex smokers start with before relapsing completely.


Edited 9/26/2007 6:36 pm ET by capegirardeau
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 6:45pm

Okay, let's talk about this and think for a minute.... Hmmm....

First of all, there is nothing wrong with wondering what is going on with somebody who had a very deep affect on you. In my 32 years of age, only three men have had that affect on me. One which includes my recent ex. I know it will take a long time to get over him. But maybe contact is what you need to move on? The other two guys, I contacted after two to three years after dating. And you know what, talking to them only REMINDED me why we were not right for each other. Since then, I have no longing desire to really get back together with them and trust me, they both wanted to give it another try. I also longingly thought about them, but the nice thing about it, I found out that it helped resolve some lingering feelings. I can't guarentee this, but it is just a thought. I disagree with the previous post about pushing those feelings away and move on. You can still have a very active social and dating life (which it sounds like you do from your posts) and still have lingering feelings. Sometimes, pushing them farther away only makes it worse. It does not resolve anything.

Now, I don't want to ask why you guys broke up - not my business. But really think about why it was your relationship did not work. Maybe he has done some growing up? If he has, great! Maybe getting some closure out of it would help you. If not, then you will know when talking to him that he just will never get it and you are better off.

So I say, do not close yourself off to contacting him. It might just be the thing you need. But I guess only you can really answer that.

Kcole

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2001
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 7:01pm
See on occasion we give ourselves the best advice...

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