Is There No Justice in Love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Is There No Justice in Love?
16
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 8:15am

Forgive me for sounding a bit negative but I was having dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in awhile and we were going over our recent dating experiences again and it always amazes me that we've had the same experiences and despite all our efforts, we find ourselves seemingliy in the same state: still single, no progress, nothing substantial on the horizon.


So I've been thinking about this and it really bugs me but I feel like there is no justive when it comes to love. I used to believe in karma and you get what you deserve but I'm finding that that really isn't true.


Examples. Both she and I were both in long-term relationships to guys we were totaly devoted to. Both cheated and disrepected us and we ended the relationships. 3 years later, you'd think if there was a justice, those a**holes would be sitting around miserable and alone but no, they both got into serious relationships right after us and hers moved in with the girl he cheated with and mine got married. We've both remained single and can't find ONE guy that has wanted a relationship with us.


Same issue with a co-worker. She was in a long-term relationship with her son's father for 10 years. He used and abused her, physicall beating her and throwing her out, even when she was pregnant. He's turned out to be an awful father and manipulator. One would believe that he'd get his "just desserts" eventualy but instead,

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 3:33pm

After a bad breakup I find myself wanting the other person to be miserable as part of karma/justice in the world. Another part of me knows that it won't make my life any more happy if that happens or not. The best revenge is a happy life yes?

I also question that just because you are married that you are automatically happy. The couple of friends I have are now 4 years in their relationship and are struggling. Both say being in (close) relationship is a LOT of work. I do know that I want to do the work with a partner that is willing to do that with me.

I doubt that the cheating men who are married (or their wives for that matter) are really in good relationships but that's irrelevant to your life isn't it?

Yes the justice is for ourselves to be happily in a close, committed, intimate relationship. I totally agree. And until that special person shows up, I will continue to work on my relationship with myself.

BTW I'm 54, divorced for 8 years and I recognize that I may not be in such a relationship as I continue to age.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 7:23pm
You have put the perfect words out there to describe exactly what I feel, and I thank you for giving me new insight into how I feel personally. There is definitely injustice in love, no doubt. Those people who are deserving get shafted. It makes absolutely no sense. It makes me feel like there is no logic in the world. I have survived so far by thinking the same thing- that the good people will eventually get some good in return. But it just hasn't happened yet for me and from what I've read so far from females on this board, it hasn't happened to a lot of deserving women out there. After I read your post, it made me think- maybe that old adage 'you reap what you sow' isn't always true. Maybe 'give and you shall receive' is just a wish that keeps us alive and functioning in the world. I wonder if it's just a huge lie that we tell ourselves to keep going. Maybe the reality is that the good people really do get the short of the stick. Maybe there is no requirement for life to give you the full value of your own gifts. I just don't know anymore. Thanks for your post, it was thought-provoking.


Edited 9/29/2007 7:24 pm ET by brittiemonster
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 7:30pm

I think that if people always behaved rationally, everyone would get what they deserve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 1:57am

I'm glad it gave your something to think about and really, I'mnot trying to be negative. It's jsu that from observation, I couldn't help but notice that there really isn't any rthyme or reason to some things and sometimes thebad guys do end doing fine in the end.


I had a friend years ago that repeatedly cheated on her boyfriend, so much in fact, she even contracted an incurable STD and gave it to him. Though they had troubles, he never stopped loving her and last I heard they were engaged. In fact, she was a pretty nasty person in general. She stole, fought, started rumors and was always fighting with someone but always had great career success, made lots of money and always, had a great boyfriend.


And its not so much that I think good people get the short end of the stick but I sometimes believe there isn't any hard rule of thumb to these things and yeah, no real karmic justice in love. Maybe life.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 7:13am

Well I'd say getting an incurable STD for running around on your boyfriend was pretty much karmic.

By the way karma doesn't work on your timetable either. It's not like you get to sit around with popcorn waiting for the show to start.

Just because you don't "see" it happening doesn't mean it isn't. Just like Mark says just because everything seems honky dory in the old happy couple camp isn't always so. Instead of waiting for other people to get their karmic justice I would just focus on yourself. It wastes too much of your own life and focus to worry about what the universe is doing to other people.

Look my ex-husband cheated on me in 98, he left me for his mistress, at the time, my car broke down, I was making 9 bucks an hour, he was making 12, he moves in with her (she was living in section 8 housing paying about 225 a month) here I am paying with cc to put food on the table and shampoo in my hair to get to work so I can continue to get my paycheck oh and bang now I have to have surgery. WTF?? What happens to him, he goes and buys a house he goes and gets married???

I'm feeling how is it that I'm getting a load of crap on me and he's living this happy life...WTF???? Karma isn't on my timetable I had to let it go, move on just be good with my own self. Went to counseling. Forgave the situation that happened with him in my own head not to him and just moved on with my life.

Today I'm still single but much happier, and guess what, he's divorced again (only took him 3 years from her), his family doesn't talk to him, living in an apartment, lost the restaurant his parents bought for him, and he even attempted to call me again and he asks about me to our mutual friends whenever he sees them.

I wasn't really around to see it because I was gone and moved from town and didn't ask about him anymore because I didn't care to know. Unfortunately I know because people always feel the need to fill me in on him when I see them. (habit I guess once you've been married to someone people feel the need to inform you of their lives).

My point is just because you can't SEE what "bad" things are happening, doesn't mean they don't happen.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 10:09am

I understand what you're saying, I truly do and I'm not trying to argue this. It's just thoughts. I just know that just as we can't always see the bad things, we can't always assume that there are bad things and that karma is actually in place and coming back to them. If so, we should also assume that there is a good chance that the situations for these people are good, better than what we'd expect and that they may actually be happy also.


I guess in the end, I don't have faith in karma or that people will truly, generally get what they really deserve.


But I also don't "waste time" worrying about it either. It was just something I'd been thinking about. I actually enjoy having philosophical discussions on things that occur to me, so its never a "waste" to me. It's just a discussion. I only added this last part because I find oftentimes on this board when I post things, people seem to think its something I'm stressed over or truly worried about when its actually just something I'd like to discuss. No losing sleep or wasting time over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 6:59pm
I used to feel exactly the way you do. It used to make me crazy that a few psychotic, manipulative, bitchy, snotty girls I knew ALWAYS had boyfriends, and guys would CONSTANTLY give me the "you're a great girl, but..." speech. Or, better yet, I was the one the guys felt too bad about hurting, so they'd just blow me off instead of giving me the "you're a great girl, but..." line. I'm sorry I don't have any answers; but I just wanted to let you know I've felt the same way in the past, and it's very maddening.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 8:01am

It's just because of the times we're living in. Look at the men you described. Not one

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 1:00pm
I do believe in karma. These men may have so-called happy relationships now, but who knows what the future will bring. They may get their come-uppance in some totally unrelated area of life.

Also, I think many cheaters are always cheaters. They will likely repeat the pattern with these new women - so you and your friends are better off.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Thu, 10-04-2007 - 11:46am

Hi All,


To speak to Karma - Karma is actually best described as a 'debt to oneself'.

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