Insensitive (but well meaning) friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Insensitive (but well meaning) friends
16
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 11:16am

Last night I was invited by my married friends (a couple) to come to a Holiday party at their club, which is also known to have some singles. They told me that there should be a lot of single men there. When I got there, the party had about 500 people- but it was ALL couples- about half my parents age and the other half 20-30s.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 11:51am

At parties where I don't know people there, I talk to them about things I am interested in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 12:24pm

I know you are saying move the next person- but imagine if you were in a seniors' center and trying to start conversation with people who are clearly in a different place than you- I was in the same situation- EVERYONE there was married and talking about their kids (or grandkids)- they were not interested in talking about jobs (many were stay at home moms or pregnant)- I know as a man, there are certain things that men don't always have to worry about- and this is one of them. Most men work - not all women in their 30's do, which makes the separation between these types of women difficult.


The harder thing is when you are with someone that clearly is not happy in her situation- even though she has help, PLENTY of money to be comfortable, etc. and instead they are thinking that somehow the grass is greener... again, it not easy when you are married either, BUT it is tough being single when all of your friends are married or coupled up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 3:09pm

Yeah it can be rough.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 3:59pm

You are right, it sucks not to be invited places too- and this happens to me also. In this case, I think it was rude to again comment that "Its SO easy to be single because being married is hard."


Imagine someone who constantly complained at their job that you knew they made A LOT of money at- you wouldn't want to listen to their bitching when you know that you work almost as long but do not make nearly the same amount

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 5:24pm

Yeah I understand what you are saying.


In some ways it is easier being single but in others it's hard and can be quite lonely....which is a pain I am sure they don't want to return to!


Sometimes I think the choices are this...miserable and married or miserable and single!!!

Soliel
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 11:39pm

It may just be that I'm feeling antagonistic today, but if I had someone tell me that being single is easier; that we have no responsibilities, I'd probably ask them very sincerely, "Oh, really?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 12-21-2007 - 6:05am

Oh, I feel your pain. Been there, done it.

It is hard. I totally relate to the "alien" feeling. And I personally think it's harder to meet available friends (not to mention men) the older you get (I'm 53). I feel shoe-horned in to married (or coupled up) people's lives. It's like "Well, we're going to go do this activity, and it doesn't matter whether you live or die or what your preference is, but you can come along." Gee, thanks. And when they have children, they pretty much disappear from your life.

As to what to do and say: when you're at these all-married parties, you simply have to grin and bear it. It's always good to have your own transportation so you can leave, too. Mhash is right: often times you can have an interesting conversation with someone, even if you don't seem to have anything in common. But let's face it: some people are just really boring, no matter what.

As to your friend making these "you're so lucky" comments, I don't see why you couldn't let her know your feelings about this. You don't have to get real emotional about it, just a heartfelt, "I know it probably looks like I live with no responsibilities and like I'm having so much fun being single, but the truth is I want to be in a committed relationship. I'm tired of being single and pretty lonely." When married people can't remember what being single is like I call it "Single Amnesia." Or maybe they were one of the lucky ones who had some fabulous single life.

Two books you may really enjoy: "With or Without a Man" by Karen Gail Lewis. She also has a website (just google her name). You will particularly enjoy the "Nine Myths About Being Single." (She addresses the whole "you're smart to have stayed single" thing). Another book is called "Singled Out" but I will warn you: the author comes across angry and strident, but she makes some very good points.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Fri, 12-21-2007 - 10:27am

To be honest I've been both single and married and I'd have to say the responsibilities are pretty heavy on both ends. I couldn't say it's easier married or single. It's pretty much a wash. There is a whole set of responsibilities that come with marriage that werent' there when you were single and they don't necessarily come with another person helping. You'd like to think they do but they don't always do.


So comparing the two lives is really a futile effort and for anyone to even say that anyone is "luckier" is just silly. It's tacky for someone to call you lucky for being single when they don't know how you feel about it, and it's equally tacky for me to call someone lucky for them being married because they could have a horrible marriage.


I think people should mind their damn business and keep their two cents to their self about out people's social status'.


I'm feel antagonistic today too shyone...HAHA!


By the way I'm putting my disclaimer in now that this is just a general statement in about the subject at hand and any YOU in the post is a general you so that I don't get any nasty emails to my inbox again.


Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 12-21-2007 - 12:22pm

Even as a married person you can feel like the lonliest person in the room with 10 other married couples.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 12-21-2007 - 1:54pm
>> "I know it probably looks like I live with no responsibilities and like I'm having so much fun being single, but the truth is I want to be in a committed relationship. I'm tired of being single and pretty lonely." <<

Has anyone else ever noticed how uncomfortable people get when you come right out and say you're lonely? Even my best friends and family hem and haw when I say something like that. They are the same ones trying to encourage me to talk about my feelings more -- but when you do talk about your feelings, people flee. I've even see that happen on this board. God forbid you admit loneliness to anyone.

Some people in your life mean well by trying to tell you how lucky you must be to be single. Maybe they know you're lonley and just don't know how to deal with that and don't know what to say, so they try to put a positive spin on it for you.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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