The unraveling of ego...,
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 12-21-2007 - 10:49am |
Psychologists have begun to describe loneliness in our society as an epidemic. Think about that…, an epidemic! And you know what? The statistics back it up. A third of American citizens admit to suffering from extreme loneliness. With all our money, and our titles, and our technology we are more cut off than ever. And the impact on our physical health is a serious one: study after study reported that isolated men were 25% more likely to die early than those in a relationship, and women were more than 33% more likely to die prematurely.
Why has the pain of loneliness become so prevalent? There are many reasons I’m sure, but there is one that has been documented: when we are alone we lose our identity. While isolated, all your self knowledge, your ego, your personality begins to unravel. The farther into your aloneness you travel, the more you see all your self-knowledge as false. And it can be scary when what you have known your entire life falls apart before your eyes.
When you are alone, everything that you have moved past, everything that you refuse to accept or acknowledge begins to rise. When you are without sexual love, there is no one to compare yourself to, no way to weigh your love, and that is the true pain of loneliness: the inability to know how much love we have, or how much love we are capable of giving. There is no standard to measure love by, and it is at this point that your identity, and even your personality, begins to disappear.
And all our lives, we have learned to see ourselves as compared to those we love. But family love is not enough to support our identities: only sexual love, only unconditional love is of enough substance to uphold ego. Our identity cards: driver’s licenses, passports, credit cards, all these are part of how we see ourselves. Our past, our descriptions, our reputations, and our accomplishments all help to build our self identity, yet without sexual love we are nothing. And when love falls away, some people feel it as a form of death. And in a deeper sense it is, because how we view ourselves and our ability to love has died.
In this virtual world of dating I simply reach out from a sense of loneliness: I reach out from my unraveling to find a woman who can help me to measure my love: a woman who can mirror who I am and what I am capable of, but more importantly, a woman who will balance the scales of my life.
Without

Pages
Z
I have to say your post was kind of depressing.
I can totally agree with your post.
Being that
I also have mixed feelings about being alone.
I guess an effort has to made all around to connect with others.
I think this article placed to much emphasis on "sexual love" as opposed to other forms of love.
Hi!
Hi iv2breathe,
You have the “sexual love” definition all wrong. When I spoke of sexual love I was referring to the deep and fulfilling love a sexual relationship can bring. In fact that deep connection only happens later when you have spent a significant amount of time getting to know the person you’re interested in: their likes and dislikes, their dreams of the future, their fears and expectations, etc. Only then can the sexual connection be so deep and so meaningful as to be a spiritual experience.
I am truly lucky in that I have had a deep and meaningful loving relationship three times in my life. All three women were wives and all three relationships lasted about 6 years except for the first one where we were together for fourteen. In each one we were both utterly and totally in love; willing to give all we had for the happiness of the other; bonded together as one flesh; and living our lives as one. Sex was but one component that made those bonds so intense, but sex alone cannot account for the complete immersion in another persons mind and soul.
I remember holding hands with “D” and not knowing where my hand ended and hers began. I remember that my life was not “me” in any way, but was “us” in every decision and action I made. And I had that deep love three times in my life, so being alone now kind of makes me feel like I had my chances at love and who could ask for more than that. There are many people who only experience love once, or never at all.
Sexual love is a combination of chemical connection, mental parity, spiritual interconnectedness, and physical love. These types of relationships are few and far in between and where the term “soul mate” comes from. In fact having the sexual component in a relationship before that connection on a deeper level just detracts from your ability to open up…, ironic, isn’t it? Sex too soon just becomes an event; a movie for Friday night; or a trip through a new store.
What really impacts me is the unraveling of my love; the inability to give the love that I know I have to give. In this state of singleness I have no way to gauge my love; either how much I have to give or how much is left to give. I had love before so I know what I am missing and I am missing a major component to life as a loving being. Being alone for so long has changed me. It has made me cautious, isolated, and unwilling to risk too much.
Maybe the right woman would erase all this. Maybe just the touch of her gentle hand would be enough to relight the flame that is now guttering. Maybe I have had my ration of love from the cosmic scales and all that is left for me is memory.
Oh, I know what sexual love is...and I've had very deep relationships. I remember one bf said "that was the most powerful sex I have ever had".
That response really does seem defensive. I think I may have struck a nerve between what sexual love is and what sex is..., I don't believe you know what the difference is. A guy saying he's had a sexual experience is far short of two people sharing their souls.
Pages