OMG....make it stop!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
OMG....make it stop!!!
23
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 8:20pm

Ok, this is an out and out rant: I have been plugging away for YEARS at this dating thing and I'm at my wit's end! Every time I go on match.com I feel like I'm desperately trolling around for new blood. I don't think anyone who knows me would think I'm desperate, but honestly, in my heart, that's how I feel. I'm nearing 40 and feel like this is getting SO old.

I correspond with a guy online and he keeps saying how "scary" it is that we have so much in common, yet seems to have no interest in meeting with me - he wants to email forever.

I meet another guy in the "real world" who finds out my email address and emails me, then he too seems like he wants an email pal.

i don't think I can do another match search or I'll sob uncontrollably..... any words of enouragement or hope?!?!

Thanks :)

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Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 8:42pm

Some days you just gotta rant. As to online dating: I know, I know. And for us older gals, the dating pool is more like the kiddie wading pool. It's easy to feel desperate.

OK, that wasn't very encouraging.

A therapist used to say to me when I got like this: "Your paths just haven't crossed yet." Sometimes that helped. You're probably a really fabulous woman who just happens to have not met anyone in a while. Is that your fault? (No) Are you just not "trying" hard enough? (No) Are you chanting your mantra incorrectly? (I doubt it). Last summer someone told me I should buy a dog so I could take it for walks and meet men. Crikey! And she was serious too and thought she was really helping. Basically just another way of saying "It's not OK that you're single, and you must not be trying hard enough."

I don't know if this helps. It's OK to get mad, in fact, I think it's really healthy. And I don't know why some men are content with having an online "relationship." I don't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 8:54pm

Thanks FG,

It helps to just be reminded that other people can relate! I usually hit a "wall" every few months and have a melt-down, then pull myself together and remember all of the good that's in my life. I think if I could somehow truly stop trying and stop wanting to meet someone, I'd be more at peace. But I still keep trying...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 11:10pm

I just started reading these forums and wanted to write you because I know many, many women in your shoes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 2:57pm

When in stressful situations like this I try to calm the emotions. I know how the panic can feel....awful.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 9:48pm
You're right - the panic is about time ticking away, not finding anyone, and me ending up alone. It's also about everyone else progressing in this area of their life except for me. I'm successful in other areas of my life, but this makes me feel like a failure sometimes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 10:57pm

I've tried the online dating website thing,....and haven't had much luck with it. I sometimes think I walk around w/an invisible sign on my forehead that reads freak magnet. Some guys just want to do the email thing and never meet up or the last guy I met on an online dating site was just a freak in general, asking about my finances, wanted to move in w/me six months later......too many red flags.

I won't lie, I sometimes miss the companionship and like you....I seem to have everything else good in life. I have a good job, make a good salary, have a nice apt....things like that,...then I say,...ok, where's the bf? lol And then there are times that I'm glad I'm not dating and am glad to be single because I enjoy doing my own thing and being independent. I made a comment to my best friend last weekend when I was helping her move, "i'm the blacksheep amongst you and the rest of my friends." and she had asked what I meant by that and I told her. All of my friends are either married and have started a family, or they have a bf/gf. And it's like she told me,...."your time will come, but don't ever label yourself like that. You've got to weed through a lot of sour apples before you find the right one....and the right one will come along in due time."

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 7:24am

“It's also about everyone else progressing in this area of their life except for me. I'm successful in other areas of my life, but this makes me feel like a failure sometimes”


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 8:49pm

Thanks for your reply.

I know, I hear from guys how crazy women are too when it comes to dating, so I think everyone is just nuts and unfit for dating. I have to say, once I stopped "trying" this week, as in thinking constantly that I have to meet someone and scheming about how to do it, I felt much more at peace. It's a new concept for me, but I think it might be the answer. You're alone - don't add insult to injury by badgering yourself about it all the time. That's what your mother is for :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 9:48pm

What can I say?

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 6:56pm

I agree that we need to find inner peace/happiness. What's funny is that I made the decision to stop trying: stop looking on match everyday, stop worrying about my future, etc. And I felt a lot better. Then, a guy I had met who I thought was out of my life (I haven't dated him, he was just a potential), resurfaced and asked me out (via email). After I responded, I didn't hear back from him and I got all kinds of upset about it. It was like the end of the world. When I decided to write him off again, I felt much better. It makes me wonder if I'm fine when I have no expectations of anyone, but when I do, that's when I get really disappointed and upset.

Can you tell me more about what kind of meditation you do?

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