So Much Pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
So Much Pain
13
Sat, 03-08-2008 - 8:26pm

I know my posts about my sadness might be getting old but I just don't know what to do.


As many of you know, I lead an active life...volunteer work, dance, friends, etc etc.

Soliel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Sat, 03-08-2008 - 9:00pm
Well, what happened between the two of you so long ago?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2008
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 6:47am
Yeah, to give advice we need to know what happened.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 10:57am

Rose colored glasses. (-: We remember the good times in a warped isolated prism of time unless we work not to . .it is in our DNA.


If it was perfect, it would not have ended. When my ex GF and I

We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 12:39pm

You may consider seeing a therapist. You recognize that you cannot shake the sadness, that no matter what you do with your life that not only emotionally but physically your body is feeling it, and that even though it has been years since you have had a relationship with him your grief is still with you.

I suspect this goes deeper than just missing an old lover if your sadness is that deep, that long lasting. This probably tied to some old "stuff" like your family-of-origin. Regardless, it looks like focusing on your daily activities to live your present day life is not working.

Therapy may help you get to the root of this and deal with it.

Best,
Mark





We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb







iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 12:51pm

I am wary of boring the other folks on the board because I talked about it so much.

Soliel
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 2:16pm

I don't think it's really him you are longing for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 5:15pm

Hi everyone. Thanks for putting up with "one more post about THAT".


Someone not on this board told me what helped her and that is the focus on acceptance and forgiveness.

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 9:17pm

HUGS TO YOU SWEETIE! Like you, there are lots of women out there experiencing such emptiness and sorrow.. we deal painful things almost everyday and can't help but feel numb at the end of the day.. Like you, I tend to wake up each mid-dawn crying out my pain and could not explain why.. Despite my active life as a medical student, I feel really lonely,scared and lost at the end of the day.. But I know that there's no one who will gonna push me up first but my own self.. Bein tough doesn't mean you ignore the pain numbly but rather opt to deal with it courageously...Thinking bout the loss isn't healthy at all.. I've realized that in order for us to move on with the past hurts, we have to heal ourselves first..healing would mean opening up new possibilities in your life like meeting new man and letting someone in your life not as replacement to the one you lost but to heal your self and eventually move on and be happy..

Buy and read this book "smart guide to breakups" by Greg Bherendt..It could help you understand things bout why you should let go rather than holding back.. You'll be only hurting your self even more.. It's a tough decision to let go of the people you love.. But in the end, you'll realize that its meant to be and that what's important is you're doing your self a favor... Come' on! Date new nice guys.. socializing without connecting won't help.. Just remember that you and your ex broke up for reasons you cant just ignore.. This is the real world where there's no more room for fairy tales..You're a grown woman and should enjoy bein a woman..WHenever you feel the need of getting him back, try to go out and have fun.. Bein single allows you to grow as a better individual and explore yourself and know what you want..

Mind over matter girl! Focus on the things that's makin you happy..Don't lose hope and don't miss the chance or deprive yourself to find a new love. We always have choices if we wanted to.. An emotionally matured person should know when and how to control emotions that could be bad to yourself and to others..Live life freely, explore your life with or without a man on your side.. No man can complete you as a person.. work on the "you" part, heal your self and let your mind take over..Be strong! =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 10:22am

Shake my hand!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 11:51am

Hello, I am sorry that you are feeling so much pain. I don’t want to upset you but I really feel that you can’t fully move on and be happy if you don’t see things for what they really are. First, I would like to point out that it’s great you are going to try to forgive yourself for not having committed to him when he proposed, but ask yourself honestly, would your life actually have been better if you accepted his proposal and married him? You said that he broke up with you when he met another girl and only came back to you when things didn’t work out. He takes off to Europe whenever life got difficult and threw him a curveball. That does not sound like a person you can really depend on and share a life with. You would be in much greater pain and anguish when you can’t trust whether your husband will leave you again for another woman or when life gets difficult again. And honestly, even if he doesn’t cheat on you again, would you really be happy knowing the fact that you are his second choice in life partner? That he only asked you to marry him when things didn’t work out with the other girl?

So please, instead of trying to forgive yourself, commend yourself for being smart and strong and walk away from a potentially disastrous painful marriage. At least you are now free to meet your true Mr. Right whenever he decides to walk into your life. I know that it’s frustrating that you haven’t met him yet, but you never know what tomorrow holds. You never know who could walk into your life tomorrow or next week, but it won’t be happen if you continue to hold this guy up and the feeling you had with him on a pedestal.

Second, you said that you two had planned to go skiing and then he canceled without a trace. That only reinforced the fact that he is a selfish person who cares only for himself. He canceled the date because it was no longer convenient for him. He didn’t even care enough to give you an explanation or trying to re-schedule with you. He cannot be relied on to even keep a date, and you think he would have been a great husband to you?

Now if this is the kind of guy you wish you had married and are trying to forgive yourself for letting him go, you need to change the focus to working on your self-esteem and self-worth, instead of forgiveness and acceptance. I am sorry to be blunt, but the reason you feel the way you do is not because he was your one and only, but because you haven’t found someone new to fall in love with, and it won’t happen until you let this chapter of your life close and really see things for what they really are. I hope that you feel better soon.

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