Facing Divorce Due to Substance Abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Facing Divorce Due to Substance Abuse
4
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 11:49pm
Where, oh where do I begin? My husband and I have been married for 14 years and we have 4 beautiful daughters (11, 4, and 2 yr. old twins). We've always had problems within our marriage, but seem to somehow overcome them. As I sit here now, I think we never really overcame them, just put a band-aid over them. I filed for divorce this past Monday and on Tuesday, my husband said he wasn't going to sign them. He has always had issues with drugs: mainly just pot which only endangered his state job. He never did it around the kids, but within the past year, as I would get home from work in the morning (I work at night), I have found his stuff lying around. Sometimes it would just be rolling papers in the recliner, a baggie stuffed in the couch, and most recently a tin sitting by the computer. I flipped out and told him it was enough...I didn't want my children finding that stuff. We live behind his mother and step-father's house and they, as well as my 11 yr. old, keep me informed of the many visitors which frequent my house at all hours of the night. My girls go to bed at 8:30, so thankfully, they don't see these people. My husband would occasionally use speed/crystal meth over the years that we were together, but I had noticed, despite his denial, that he had been using it more and more frequently. He is now smoking ice (rock form of speed), as well as doing everything else. He looks so bad that when I saw him on the sidewalk in town the other day, I wouldn't have recognized him if I didn't see his face.
He's been out of the house now for exactly one week and today is the first day that he actually had a conversation with me. He has been staying with a woman who runs with the same drug crowd and he informed me he's been having sex with her since last Friday. When asked why he began this relationship, I was told it was because he couldn't get it at home and that the reason he has been using so much stuff was to hide his pain that I have caused in not loving him. I readily admit that I have not been able to show much true affection for him in probably 2 years because he would spend all night out and then expect everything to be ok. Regardless of this, I would give in and have sex with him, usually at least once a week. The longest he ever had to go without was not even 2 weeks, mainly because he was impossible to live with if he didn't do it.
Now that you have some of the history, I ask my questions. Since he's already said he won't sign the paperwork for a noncontested divorce granting me sole physical custody of the girls (he doesn't want to pay child support), should I go ahead and file contested? More importantly, should I file for emergency temporary custody due to his drug/alcohol problem? I've never seen him this irresponsible. He does have a history of taking my girls with him to visit his "friends". I feel quite certain that with his addictions, I would have no problem obtaining custody. I'm honestly just so hurt that our marriage has finally wound up in this condition and part of me feels guilty that I didn't do more to save it. The other part of me is so mad that he would actually blame me for his problems. My skin crawls at the mere thought of my husband and that woman playing house together. Is it normal to be this confused? Sorry for the long post; any comments/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:38am
My first comment to you would be, run..don't walk..to your phone book, newspaper, wherever you can find a phone # to your nearest and soonest Narc-anon meeting. I believe that is what they are called? These are meetings for spouses of drug abusers. You need support from people who have been thru this right now...believe me. I know. My ex husband is an alcoholic, drug abuser. I was a member of Al-anon for 10 yrs, and the help you will find there is invaluable. They will listen, and help guide you.
And, this is imperitive.. I would "NOT* allow him to have those children in any way shape or form. That would be putting them in harms way. He is not himself right now..so you have to make that decision regardless of what he says. You are all they have .. and if it takes getting a restraining order, court order for temporary sole custody...whatever it takes. Don't let him take them. If he looked that bad....he shouldn't have children, no matter their age with him alone. Period.
Please find a meeting, preferably a beginners meeting, or even a speaker meeting (that's an open meeting-where you listen to a recovering addict tell their story)...but please go...and find someone to talk to after the meeting. They will be more than willing to listen and help. That is why they are there. Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 1:23am

i agree with broknwngz: please get some help for yourself. you need emotional and REAL support - that is what these groups are for. and you also need legal advice as to custody, CS, visitation issues. your husband can't just "decide" what he will or won't do - but you know that even with a court order, he can try and do things to mess up the kids. I would ask a lawyer if, since he probably won't pay CS and would rather NOT work than pay CS - is there any way that you could get a bigger part of the marital assets?


at the same time, i would definately have your 11 YO see someone, or go to one of the ala-teen groups, because she has been given/or taken upon herself responsibilities that no 11 YO should have. it is not her "job" to spy on and tell on her parent. she is obviously old enuf and sensitive enuf to "see" things, and that is not healthy. and if you do get divorced, she may feel guilty about tattling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 3:29am
Thank you all for your advice. I've never been so confused in my life. I have been asking myself if I want to give it another shot or not. I have considered asking him to come home if he'll agree to go to rehab, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get over the woman thing and I don't know that I'll ever trust him again. I seriously doubt he would agree to rehab since we went to a marriage counselor 2 yrs. ago who then referred him to a drug counselor who wanted him to go into a 6 week treatment program. Naturally, he refused and then any time I mentioned going to talk with someone about our problems, he said it wouldn't do any good because they would only blame his use of drugs/alcohol.
I hate feeling this way!!!!! One minute I want to start all over again, try to forgive and forget and the next minute I want to take all of his stuff over to this woman's place and throw it in the yard! I feel physically sick when I think of them together. I've never been heartbroken, so I guess this is what it feels like. Will I always question myself?
Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 4:27am

well. you have two choices here:


you can continue to stick your head in the sand, continue to "enable" your husband, continue to let your children get dragged into this mess and let them grow up to be either addicts or enablers. you can "forgive and forget" it all - the drugs, the woman/women, the whole thing. just continue to be married - ON PAPER.


or


you can face the music, face the facts ---- and make some grown up choices.


and honey - i know how difficult it is. honestly i do. i was married twice - to more or less the same man, only the second marriage was 100000 times worse and my ex was/is addicted to painkillers and tranquilizers, so i have totally been in your shoes, i have been thru the sticking my head in the sand, i have been thru the enabling, and i almost lost my son as a result of the unhealthy situation.


i understand that you don't know what to do. this is why we suggested that you go (WITHOUT HIM!!!!!) to al-anon because you will get the tools that you need. at the same time - you might want to try personal counseling - i have found it to be very helpful for me - helped me to focus on what i needed to do.


good luck