Trying to learn to live again

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Trying to learn to live again
1
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 6:04pm

Hi,

I've been lurking here for quite some time now, listening, reading, learning and understanding.

I moved out of my home in early October. It was my last desperate attempt at getting my husband to LISTEN to me and learn to get some of his issues under control. I didn't know what else to do to stop the insanity that was happening in our lives. Nothing I tried worked, so I thought that maybe this would. Well turns out I was wrong. Now he has shut me out, won't talk to me, look at me, nothing....unless HE has something to scream at me about or say himself. Funny, thats the way it always was. Never ever what I needed, when I needed it only when he felt like doing/giving it.

After 4 months I have come to accept that he will never change. He simply can't or won't....I dunno which one it is. The day I knew I had to accept it was a painful day and I'm trying desperately to get over and through it. I know, in my heart, that I don't want to continue living life with him the way it was.....I know this, but yet it continues to sting every part of my being and is burning a hole in my soul. It flat out sucks.

To make matters worse, I suffer from manic depression/bipolar disorder. This of course has wreaked havoc on our marriage and it's an easy scapegoat for him. Blame the crazy lady. The only thing is that I'm NOT crazy. I'm actually very level headed and rational. No, I wasn't always this way.....I've been through alot of therapy etc. and have completely 360'ed myself in the last 5 years. *I* knew I had to if I wanted to keep my family together.....so I did. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but atleast I did everything I could to save what we had. I wish I could say the same for him.

Some days I think I'm going to be just fine...."You can do this, Teri!!!" but alot of days I feel like I'm stuck in a room with no windows or doors....how can I figure out which direction to go when I feel like that? I'm partially suicidal and the only thing that is keeping me afloat on those days is our children. Besides, when I feel that way, somewhere deep inside of me I can hear that voice saying "he's SOOOOO not worth it." But it hurts so badly that I want the pain to go away and sometimes "ending it" seems the only way to do that. Irrational maybe....but who said love was a rational thing?

I have an appointment with my lawyer on Tuesday. He of course doesn't want me to do that and wants me to "give it time". The story of my life with him....wait until HE decides. I have always only been able to make a "move" when he says "go". But this time I know I need to let go and let live. I can't just sit and be treated the way he is treating me until he decides whether or not he wants me anymore and whether or not our family is worth him getting his crap together. My kids deserve more than that and most of all....so do I.

I'm pretty devastated. I was a stupid, stupid woman for thinking that he loved me enough to want to stop doing the nasty and horrible things he was doing for me and our children. My mother and father think I should have done this years and years ago.....but I have never in my life loved someone as much as I loved him. But as time passed things got worse and worse. No matter how hard I tried, how much *I* changed myself to adapt to who he was....the ditch got wider and deeper. Now, here we are at the end.

Amongst my circle of friends and family....I have always been the strong one. Everyone always calls me in their darkest hours. Now that I need to lean on them....I have no one. The only thing they'll say to me is "you'll be fine". No hugs, no shoulders to cry on, not even someone to just listen to me. So I came here, where hopefully I can find some sort of understanding and support.

Sorry this got so long and apologies if it seems all over the place. I'm exhausted as I don't sleep much these days. I used to love the night for all it's silence and peacefulness....now I hate it for those very same reasons....uggggghhh!!!! Someone please tell me that this madness will stop. I NEED something to cling to, to get through this. But I can't seem to find anything.

Love and Light,

~Teri~

The Worlds A Roller Coaster

And I Am Not Strapped In

Maybe I Should Hold With Care

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 1:36am

hi and welcome. i wanted to send you some cyber hugs.... you sound like a very strong woman - and I know that you will get thru this. it is hard for EVERYONE. even people who wanted the divorce, even people who don't suffer from bi polar and depression. its difficult to go thru a divorce. but you are already halfway down the road - you are already at a point where you can recognize and accept situations - it takes alot of us many years to get to that point. I remember that *lightbulb* moment when i realized that my then-husband is what he is - and he ain't never going to change ("cause he doesn't have any problems...")


Teri, if you are suicidal - at any level - PLEASE get help for yourself. for the sake of your children - but also for YOUR sake. you are a special and important person in this world. PLEASE pick up the phone right now and call a hotline. you are not the only person in the world suffering, and there are people out there who CAN HELP YOU. here is one number to call: Suicide Hotline - 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)


teri, you are not a stupid woman. far from it. you were a trusting and loving and believing woman - and that is not STUPID. you may have made a mistake - but you did it honestly. so don't beat yourself over the head because of that mistake. the trick is to fix things NOW. as for your friends - i found that while it was hard at times to be really open and honest with my friends about my situation (after years of covering up) - it was very rewarding. trust me - your friends picked up on a lot of issues and they may have never brought it up because YOU haven't. talk to them.


so teri - time to pick yourself up by your shoe laces. get help for yourself. you will get thru this and live a wonderful life.