what is your best tip for a newbie?
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what is your best tip for a newbie?
| Sun, 01-30-2005 - 1:46am |
to those of us who have been thru the divorce, and survived. lots of newbies around here lately, all of us sounding the way WE used to sound a few weeks/months/years ago. so lets help them out a little: what is the one thing (or more) that really made a difference to you during that difficult time? was it talking to friends? was it exercise? was it making a voodoo doll of your ex and sticking pins into it?
for me: I think it was a combination of factors, but mainly that

I think my greatest tip would be distance.
Although you want to grab him and hold him tight.... keep your distance. It will make YOU feel better and sk1960 is right.... you have to take care of YOU first along with your children.... leave him alone and be strong.
Great Question SK!
I have to tell you a number of best tips came to mind... in no particular order, they are...
... take care of yourself... this is even more important if you have children, because the better you survive this, the better your children will, especially if they are young. My son was 1 1/2 years old when my xh and I separated and if I cry he cries (still) so if I could be strong around him, he was his normal happy self, which makes it easier...
... find out what your rights are... and the earlier you do this the better... I didn't want to call an attorney and all, because I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce, but the sooner you know your rights, the sooner you'll be able to tell the difference between realities and threats...
... use the support system around you, again like SK said, you would help your friends in that position and they want to do the same for you...
... copies, copies, copies... make copies of all important documents--taxes from years past, pay stubs, investments, anything you can think of, because sometimes the other party is not so willing to provide such things...
... give yourself time to cry... this is not an easy thing and no one should tell you that you should "just get over it" because it's harder than that most of the time... give yourself the time to cry, even if it's only in the shower...
... give yourself time to heal... this takes longer for some of us than others...
... try to do something for yourself as often if you can... doesn't matter if it is taking a bubble bath or buying yourself a CD you want, do something for you...
... don't forget... the children are the innocent ones here... don't bring them into the middle... during and after, you need to help your children foster a good relationship with the ncp (with some exceptions...)... your children love both mommy and daddy equally and don't understand (and shouldn't) all of the issues that got you here today... they still need their roots and your x or stbx is one of those roots...
Good Luck!
Julie
Everything I was going to post, Julie already did (some of those sound familiar!)...
Document everything too. Keep a "divorce journal". And know that you aren't alone. Stay strong and take the high road-you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of yourself when you do!
What about when cheating Husband....starts to become angry at you - for not forgiving...
steeley eyes, snapping, sharpe harsh comments...I am begging him to be civil - I am the one who was devestated...and now he's inflicting more - now that he knows I want a divorce....
DO I just ignore?
Well..... I guess just limit your contact.
In my case.... the visits were far and few between, especially after my daughter was born ( I was 4 months pregnant after he left, and we have a 5 year old together ) After my daughter was born he went a long time, a month or so without seeing us for more than 5 minutes.
Yes you do have that common ground of the kids, but don't force the issue. I made the mistake of forcing him to see them.... I would throw every fit I could think of to get him to the house to see the kids. That did me more harm then them. I got pretty depressed..... then one day I decided that it was time.... I cleaned out all of his things, called him and demanded that he come and get his clothes, pictures, childhood things.... computer crap and that was that. He asked to see the kids and we limited our contact based on his schedule. He wanted them every other weekend, so we only talked every other weekend. I said "why don't you call our oldest a few days a week" he said, "well I just dont know if I will have time"... I asked, he declined, not my problem.
There is no doubt that the kids go through the hardest time. I guess depending on the age if they are younger, they really don't know as much as we think they do... if they are older, say 8 and older then they really know what is happening, have them make the calls. Have them leave the messages.
My ex floats in and out of the kids' lives. I used to care about him being involved in school functions and doctors visits.. but then I realized that he is just too busy with the life he chose over us. Someday he will be more involved, but right now he is being selfish, thus the reason that HE chose to leave.
I guess what I am saying is that in the beginning, he was all about seeing our son everyday and every minute.. then it changed. After my daughter was born it's like it hit him what he actually did to us. He has missed over half of her life ( she is only 1 now ) all because he chose to be that way. If your ex is not like that now, he will be. Unfortunately statistics show every guy goes through guilt and with guilt comes anger. This pushes them away. You have no choice but to distance yourself from him. Care deeply about what is inside your home and care less about what is outside..... your kids will love you for taking care of them when "daddy" left. The respect and love you will get is the most important thing....
I hope that helps.....
Stay strong and put on a front if you have to. With the "exchange" of the kids when he wants visits.... smile and say you love your child. Don't even look at him. Tell your child to have a good time and to call you if they need anything.
Hugs,
Angelena
I agree with angelena-DO limit your contact and DO NOT force the issue...some men never grow up no matter how old they get. But please, let your children know that daddy does indeed love them, and that he is "just" very busy.
I also used to care whether or not he was involved in school, dr's. appt., every day interaction, but to no avail....he was always too busy for anyone including dd.
Only you can show your children who the emotionally stable parent is...IMO, emotions are endless...children are very astute. If they learn to hate, they will. If they learn to cry, they will. If they learn to be angry, they will. If they learn to abuse, they will. BUT the BEST of the BEST is, if they learn to love, be compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic, and care about themselves and you...that is your guidance!!! That is what we as MOM's are here for...It is our responsibility to teach and share and let them know that they are O.K. and that we will always be there for them...but, most of all, that we love them unconditionally! PERIOD!!!
I learned that if I tell my dd 100x a day that I love her, I get 200 "I love you's" from her...she knows in her heart that I love her (and her brother and sister) all the way to the sky and back and back to the milky way (she thinks its the candybar). But she gets my meaning. That means more to me than anything ever could!!! I enjoy every second, every minute, every hour, every day that my children are with me...cuz, I loved them from the day they were concieved and will always love them no matter what!!!!!!!!
You know the feeling...Bless you!
Very well said and oh so true :)
Hugs,
Angelena
Divorce final 1/18/05
well, angela, this is when YOU take control over YOUR LIFE.
trust me when i tell you that NOBODY can *make* you feel guilty, or sad, or bad. they can TRY. but it is OUR choice - and yes, it is a choice - to feel guilty.
remember that every time you LET HIM *get to you* in this way - you are FREELY GIVING HIM control over YOU.
yes - ignore him.
yes - when he starts to talk about ANYTHING - ignore him.
yes - count to ten. breathe in, breathe out. do yoga exercises. whatever it take -just don't get into ANYTHING with him.